Lost: Par Avion

This episode sat on my DV-R for almost a week, mocking me with its unwatchedness. Mock me no more, foul Lost!

Flashback opening!

Claire wakes up in a smashed car, all gothed-up with long, stringy black hair and too much eyeliner. She crawls out the smashed windshield to find her mom, who's sprawled on the pavement and looking very unhealthy.

And with this, Lost adds another mystery to its long string of unanswered questions. How in pie did blondy-blonde Claire get all that dye out of her hair?

Blonde Claire wakes up to a festive fruit tray and her stalker. Soon-to-be dead Charlie invites her to an breakfast picnic on the beach, and Claire asks him why he's turned his frown upside down.

Charlie says he's decided to seize the day, and there's no one he'd rather seize but her. (Bah dum-dum!)



In the jungle, Sayid consults the map he nicked from The Flame. Locke complains that the map's probably not that accurate, and Sayid replies that it's better than following directions carved on a magic stick.

Locke gets pissy -- you do not mock the magic stick! Sayid gets pissy back because Locke blew up The Flame. Locke says that if Sayid had warned him the basement was chock full of plastic explosives, maybe he wouldn't have pushed the button and made the station go boom.

C'mon Locke -- we know you would have done it anyway! You've got a compulsion to push strange buttons. And to blow shit up. It's who you are.

Kate asks pouty Patchy for directions, which seems pretty stupid. Locke wants to know why they haven't killed Patchy yet, and Sayid asks if that means they should shoot him like a dog.

Nope, Locke says -- he likes dogs. Dang, that's cold.

Rousseau jumps on the Kill Patchy train, but Kate snaps that no one is killing anybody, and since she's the Queen of the Universe, that appears to end the argument.

Charlie leads Claire to her festive beach picnic. As he's expounding on the glories of melon bowls, Desmond appears and asks Charlie to go boar hunting with him. Charlie's all "DUDE! Cock block much?" while Desmond tries to drop him clues that he'll be less soon-to-be-dead if he stops munching fruit with his girl and goes looking for large, dangerous, angry animals with a heavily armed recovering alcoholic.

Claire's misses most of this bizarre conversation, because she's watching a flock of birds fly overhead. She gets all excited and says she knows how to get them off the Island.

Claire runs to tell Sun and Jin her super-cool idea. She needs nets, buckets and fish guts. She wants to catch the birds. Interestingly, Sun has apparently been off the show so long she's forgotten she had an accent, and is speaking the Queen's English.

Sawyer's nearby, reading a book, (Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead," poor guy) and he snarks about how much fun they're going to have with fish guts. He starts to call her "Barbie," stops, looks pissed, and goes back to his book. I miss Sawyer's nicknames already.

Claire explains that the birds are migratory, and they're tagged. So when they get to Australia or New Zealand or where ever, some scientist will catch them. They can tie notes to the birdies and get saved. This is actually a less stupid idea than some of the other things that have happened on this show. (following the magic stick, for example)

Charlie is skeptical, and quizzes Claire on her bird facts. She says she watched a lot of nature shows with her mom. Hey -- you can learn a lot from the Discovery Channel! Suddenly emo Charlie says she shouldn't waste her time. Claire reminds him he's all "seize the day," and he basically tells her to "seize this" and walks off with Desmond.

Flashback!

Claire is getting stitched up in the emergency room, and a cop enters and starts asking her questions about the accident. She says she was driving, and that a truck came out of nowhere and forced the car off the road.

The cop's asking her how fast she was going when she hit the truck, and she snaps that the truck hit her. He wants to know if anyone has notified her father, and Claire says her father died when she was two.

Claire gets cranky with the cop, who has happily pointed out that the truck driver was okey-dokey. Cop says that this is standard procedure when there's a fatality.

Claire freaks and says her mother's not dead -- she's in surgery. Cop's all "yeah, whatever. Good as dead." Claire screams that the crash wasn't her fault and cop says he never said it was.

Queen of the Universe asks Rousseau why she's not super excited to see her daughter again. Rousseau responds by asking Kate about Jack -- what would happen if Kate didn't see him for sixteen years, and knew he wouldn't remember her or that she had ever cared about him. Rousseau says she hasn't asked Kate about Alex because she doesn't want to know the answers.

Kate offers Patchy some water, and asks how he got to the Island. He starts to recite his "I was a poor white sharecropper" bit, and Rousseau interrupts and says not to believe anything he says.

Kate wants to know *how* he got the Island, not when. Patchy says he came on a submarine. (We all live in a yellow submarine!) Kate asks if the sub makes regular trips to Maui, and Patchy says that they can't leave anymore, because after the purple sky, the underwater beacon stopped working. If they leave, they won't find their way back.

Kate wants to know why the Others would even *want* to come back, and Patchy says she wouldn't understand -- it's an Others thang. Kate presses him, and he says she can't understand, because she's not on the list. Kate tells him to stop stealing moves from other shows -- "the list" is a plotline from Heroes.

Patchy says the man who brought the Others to the Island is super cool. Kate interrupts and asks if Ben is so super-duper, how come he needed Jack to fix his spine? Patchy's confused -- Ben is not ... the guy? Super duper?

Patchy says Kate isn't on the list because she's flawed. She's angry and weak and frightened.

Sayid's all "don't talk to me like you know me, son!" and Patchy does the Others' patented "spout random facts about people" bit. When he gets to Locke, though, he says he knew a guy named John Locke, but that guy was ...

In an *extremely* convenient interruption, Rousseau calls Kate over to check out what she's found -- big black posts in a line. Umm, cool?

Patchy and Locke give one another significant looks. Get a room.



Jin, who hasn't learned enough English to tell stupid white people to buzz off, builds a bird trap for Claire.

Claire helps Sun cut up fish guts, and Sun says that this was her mom's worst fear -- Sun would marry the son of a fisherman and end up elbow-deep in chum.

Claire says things don't turn out how their mothers wanted. Sun snarks about how her mom never worked, and Claire says her mom was a librarian. Sun catches on the "was," but Claire cuts her off and carries the chum away.

Flashback!

Goth Claire, who is strangely cute, walks into her mom's hospital room dressed all in black. Mom's not looking too good. A woman bitches at her about where was she, and Claire says she went home to change and grab a shower -- she had glass in her hair from the crash. Oh, and bitch much?

A doctor comes in and tells Claire and Aunty Bitch that mom is stable, but that she's on life support and there is severe head trauma and brain swelling.

Claire wants to know when mom's going to wake up, and Doc says she probably won't. Claire asks if mom can hear them, and Doc says he'd like to think she can.

Aunty McBitchy Bitch wants to know how much Mom's care is gonna cost her. The doctor says not to worry -- the bill's been paid, bitch. Aunty wants to know who's paying, but doc says he's been asked to keep that confidential. By the way -- you're a bitch.



A bird lands in Jin's trap. Right before they pull the rope to catch the birdie, gun-totin' Desmond appears, pops off a couple of shots and scares the birdies away.

Claire's hecka pissed, and Desmond lamely lies that he was chasing a boar. An imaginary boar. Claire wants to know where Charlie is, and Des says he's back at camp, not dying.

Claire wants to know why Desmond and Charlie don't want her to catch the birds, and Des acts dumb.

Rose and Bernard appear from stage left and remind the audience that they went through *the same damn plotline* last season! Oh, and they're hecka pissed too -- what's up with replacing them with boring, pretty white people? (Paulo and Nikki, I'm looking at you. Losers. Get off my show.)



Sayid, Kate, Rousseau, Locke and Patchy contemplate the big black pylons. Kate starts to walk towards them, but Sayid pulls her back like he's a mom at the museum, smacks her hand and tells her "no touch!"

Sayid asks Patchy what they are, but he ain't telling. Sayid says the pylons are a security perimeter -- an alarm system or a trap. Cross the pylons and bad things happen. He thinks they should find a way around.

Patchy laughs and says it was a security perimeter, but it hasn't worked for years. Sayid doesn't buy it, and Patchy tells him to go ahead and waste his time, but there's no going around -- the pylons surround the Others' subdivision.

Sayid checks his map, and says Patchy's right. Locke takes his pack off, and very deliberately grabs Patchy and throws him into the pylons! OMGWTFBBQ?

BBQ is right, as Patchy is stuck in place. He smiles, says "thank you," and gets fried in a "Scanners" like fashion. He has a seizure, foams at the mouth, blood spurts out his orifices, and then he dies. I'm sorry ABC didn't have any pictures so I can show you just how gross it was.

Kate freaks, and Locke is all "my bad" with an evil grin. Do not offend Locke, keeper of the magic stick!

Sayid thinks Patchy had a cerebral hemorrhage. Kate's still bitching -- she wanted to trade Patchy for Super Jack, which, considering Patchy was willing to shoot one of his own people, wasn't gonna happen. She wants group votes before they kill people, and Locke smugly says no one asked him when they decided to bring Patchy along in the first place.

Locke's all "pardon me for not knowing they had a sonic death fence!" OK, he's not a bit sorry that he killed Patchy, and he's amusing the heck outta me. Sayid asks him why he came -- he doesn't want to rescue Super Jack. Locke lies and says of course he wants to rescue Jack. Sayid says they'll talk about this later, as soon as he has his magic torture bag.

Queen of the Universe says they're not going through the sonic death fence, they're going over it. She asks where the ax is, and Sayid says it's in Locke's bag. Locke dives to keep his bag closed, but Sayid snatches it quick like a bunny, opens it up and finds ... a big block of C-4!

Sayid snarks that he thought Locke didn't know about the explosives. Locke shrugs and says you never know when some explosives will come in handy. I am so digging Evil Locke -- push Kate into the sonic death fence next!



Charlie's putting Aaron to sleep when Claire comes up and asks him what his damage is. He says he doesn't know what she's talking about, and that he's been at the camp all day -- ask the baby!

Claire asks him again what happened to "seize the day." We get it already -- there was no seizing! Shut up about it! Charlie says he didn't want to go catch birds because he didn't want to promote false hope.

Claire bitches that she's sorry her stupid idea offended him, oh, and you're a lying liar, and I don't want my baby around liars. Recovering heroin addicts are OK, but lying recovering heroin addicts? Right out.

Charlie suggests she might be overreacting a wee bit, but she screams that she thought she could count on him, and damn him for watching her kid while she went off to chase birds! Dang Claire -- do you have screaming matches around you kid often? He's gonna need therapy, and the psychologist got shot last season.

Flashback!

At the hospital, a nurse tells Claire she likes the new American doctor. Claire's confused, goes into her mom's room, and who's there? Jack's daddy!

They start to talk, but Aunty Bitchy arrives and starts screaming that Christian shouldn't be there, and if Claire's mom knew he was there she'd ... lie there, because she's brain damaged. Aunty Bitchy tells him to get out -- now.

Claire wants to know who Jack's Daddy is, and if he's paying the bills. And in the least-surprising surprise this season, Jack's Daddy says he's Claire's Daddy too.

Sayid, Rousseau, and Kate watch Locke chop down a tree. I guess that's his punishment for frying Patchy. They make an "X" out of branches and prop the tree up on one of the pylons.

Rousseau suggests using the C-4 to blow up a pylon, and Locke snarkily suggests she walk up and stick it to one of them.

Sayid needlessly reminds people not to touch the sensors when they climb over. Kate's first -- she shimmys up the tree and over. Unfortunately, she lives.

Locke climbs over next while Kate checks out dead Patchy.



Claire complains to Sun about Desmond spoiling her bird hunt. Sun points out that whatever is going on, Charlie and Des are still talking about it, and points down the beach, where the two crazy Brits are arguing. Claire says she's going to get some answers, and takes off.

Flashback!

Goth Claire works in a tattoo shop, piercing some chick's ear. Ooh, Claire can do tats? I hope that doesn't mean Jack's got to have rough sex with her and then insist she ink him.

Jack's Daddy shows up and says he's leaving the country, and that he wants to talk to Claire before he goes.

Claire's emo 'cause Jack's Daddy didn't love her. Christian lays it on the line -- he had a fling with her mom and was back in L.A. when she told him she was preggers. He visited when Claire was a wee one, but Aunt Bitchy hated him and Claire's mom didn't like that he had a family in the states, so he made himself scarce.

Christian says a doctor friend told him about the accident. He says he's checked Mom out, and she's not getting better. It's illegal to turn off the life support, but that's never stopped a brilliant alcoholic surgeon like him.

Claire gets all sorts of pissy and tells him to buzz off. As she gets ready to leave, she says that he may be her daddy, but that she doesn't know his name and doesn't want to.

Pie and a half! Now how are Jack and Claire gonna find out they're family? Is Obi-Wan gonna come tell them?

Christian tells Claire not to keep her mother alive for the wrong reasons. There's hope and there's guilt, and he knows the difference.



Claire follows Desmond to the rocks by the shore, where he's stalking a completely tame seabird that's sitting on patch of neon-green Easter grass. He snags the birdie, which is no trick at all when the darn thing's standing completely still!

Claire wants to know how he knew the tame birdie would be here. Uh, neon green Easter grass? Des tries to play dumb, but she presses him to fess up. Finally, he points to a outcropping of rock and tells her that's where Charlie died, trying to catch a bird for Claire.

Very dramatic and all, but if Desmond hadn't messed up the original bird hunt, would Charlie have been hunting birds there at all? Precognition's too much damn trouble.

Claire shows Charlie her completely tame bird, and says that Desmond told her everything. Hey Charlie -- you are so in! Chicks dig guys facing certain doom!

Flashback!

Blondie pregnant Claire goes to see her mother, who's still out of it. She fusses about and turns on the telly, which is showing a nature show about birds.

Claire tells her mother she's pregnant, and that she's going to give the baby up for adoption. "It's for the best. I don't know how you did it, raising me alone. And I was just awful. So hard on you."

Claire leans down. "I'm so sorry, Mum. So sorry for all the awful things I said to you in the car, that I hated you and wished you weren't my mother, and I wished you were dead. It's all my fault. The accident and everything. I'm so sorry, Mum."

A Lost sappy montage starts. Claire and Charlie stand on the beach with the birdie and read the letter she wrote.

I'd like to point out a few things: She wrote friggin' War and Peace. She *did* not write anything useful that could possibly lead someone back to the Island. And that paper doesn't look very water-resistant.

OK -- it was a stupid idea.

Charlie reads the letter, as a series of images flashes by -- Sawyer reads. He stops to look out over the ocean. Desmond sits in his tent. Sun and Jin play with Aaron.

The letter? "We're the survivors of Flight 815. We've been on this Island for 80 days. We're waiting for rescue, but we might not get rescued. That's OK, because we've got babies. And melon bowls. Don't give up on us."

Claire tells Charlie that she's not giving up on him, and that they'll get through his certain doom together. Then they tie the essay to the bird and it flies away.

Across the Island, Kate watches the birdies fly overhead. They're approaching the Others' subdivision.

Kate sees Jack running towards them. She starts to run towards him, but Sayid stops her. Hey -- he isn't fleeing for his life -- he's playing football with Zeke!

Jack catches the football and spikes it, smiling the smile of the brainwashed. Kate looks on in horror. Stupid jocks.