American Idol, suckas!

Well we're one week from the big stage shows and after Thursday we'll have this season's top 12. We've got the final 8 guys tonight and let me tell ya, I haven't been impressed with what I've seen so far. Still it's Idol and even if it isn't entertaining it can still be entertaining if ya know what I mean...

Tonight the contestants are revealing little know things about them. I'm not recapping that bullshit and believe me you aren't missing much. I'm a little rusty so bear with me...

Here we go. Up first is the the Human Beat Box, Blake. Well that if Blake were a member of the Fat Boys, and black, and dead then he'd be the Human Beat Box. MY NUTS!

I hear the slowed down ska riff over hip hop beats and oh my goodness it's "All Mixed Up" by 311. Well I have to give it to the producers, there's definitely been more variety in music this season and it suddenly hits me that this song is about 10 years old. Holy crap! Anyway, Blake's performance is just a bunch of blah, but it isn't really his fault since the song isn't really designed to show off vocals, but he does get to run his annoying gimmick all through the song. I guess he did choose the song, so maybe it is his fault. The judges know he's a ratings grabber and want him to stay so they're complimentary. Randy and Paula weren't familiar with the song...wha? I mean 311 was pretty big if I recall. Stupid judges.

Sanjaya is next and he's appeared to let his hair down to make him even more non-threatening. He breathes through John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change" and even the soft background vocals seem to overpower his voices. He sleepwalks through this already boring song. His highlights were purty though. The verdict is "sucks" across the board. Paula does fumble through candy coating a criticism for about half an hour. If anyone should go home this Thursday it should be him...but we all know how that goes.

The suck continues with Sundance Head. He'll be doing "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam, which is surprising. Still I'm impressed. The show must be shelling out the big bucks for music this season. Meanwhile, Edwin McCain's car just got repossessed. Anyway the song starts and immediately I want to shoot everyone involved in the head. It's my least favorite Pearl Jam song but really. He sings like he inhaled helium while still trying to mimic Eddie Vedder's vocal affectations. Just a shitty shitty mess. Shouldn't he have dressed the part as well? With his buttoned down and jeans all he needed was a faded cap with a bent bill and adidas sandals and he would have been any drunk college soccer player at a karaoke bar 10 years ago. I mean if your going to do Pearl Jam grunge yourself up a little with some ripped jeans or something. Randy and Paula like it of course while Simon tells it like it is commenting that he came off as a bar singer. Song three and I'm already furious. Not a good sign.


Now it's time for my personal favorite among the guys Chris Henderson, who earned the TC and M approval by singing Jason Mraz last week. He does an harmless performance of a harmless Keith Urban song. He has a good voice and is highly likable. He gets the good but safe comments across the board. I agree. He's a lock for the final 12 though.


Jared leads of the last four. This guy is a cross between Shane Battier and Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
He does a paint by numbers performance of "If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder. It's rather soulless and stiff to be honest. Randy thought it was solid. Paula tells Jared that he "needs to color up the way you sing" Yes she said that. I'm doing the Carlton dance right now in her honor. Randy and Paula feel like he's earned a spot in the top 12.

My second favorite male on the show is Brandon and he's doing "I Just Wanna Celebrate" from many many commercials and movies. He's got such an awesome voice as exhibited from his last weeks singing of "Time After Time" Anyway, he's energetic, but misses the opportunity to go over the top and really belt this song out. He's got a great showcase song and he wusses out by playing it safe. The judges pretty much say the same thing. You can tell he's a judges favorite because it really sounds like they're pushing him rather than critiquing for entertainment value. Simon for some reason refers to him as Travis. Heh. Simon says he's nervous for him though.

Now it's time for American Idol Playhouse:

"Hey, dude on the left, what's up?"
"Nothin, just kickin' it"
"Word, yo!"
"Gettin ready to bust out some Leanne Rimes yadidamean?"
"Aight then playa"

Seriously, Phil sings Leanne Rimes wearing that hat. He looks as shocked as the audience.

It's the "I need youuuuuu" and if you missed it, trust me you singing it to yourself in your head was much much better. He's just all over the place and it's quite the mess.

Randy compares his high notes to Steve Perry but says everything else sucks. Paula says it wasn't his best. Simon says with the hat and eyes he didn't get it. It wasn't good enough.

Chris Sligh finishes out the show. This guy is so much the anti-Idol that he doesn't need any endorsement. We all know he's going to go far in this competition. Still he's got vocal chops. He does a song called "We All Want to Be Loved" which when I Google it says it's by DC Talk which I remember as Christian Rappers. Anywhoo... Nothing to make fun of here. Paula thought it wasn't his best though. Again all three judges sound more encouraging than insulting

The judges last word is that only four of them have performed strongly to be considered locks. My guess it's the two Chrises, Blake, and Jared.