Lost: Trisha Tanaka Is Dead

Duuuuudddddeeeee! It's a Hurley episode!

And I've realized that Lost has turned into The X-Files in one aspect: The episodes that don't deal with the big "mystery" are the good ones. It's when the writers try to explain a f'ed-up mythology that even they don't understand that things turn to drek.

Flashback opening!

Skinny Baby Hurley (I can tell from the big ass perm) carries a toolbox to the tune of Three Dog Night's "Shambala." There's a vintage Camaro up on blocks. It's a Bitchin' Camaro.

Dad comes out, in an equally big-ass perm. Hey!!! That's Cheech!!!!! Dude!

Cheech suggests that they try to start the Camaro, but Baby Hurley protests that they still need a new carburetor. Cheech says to try anyway, and predictably, the car doesn't start.

In a big "I've got a message" moment, Cheech tells Baby Hurley that having hope is never stupid -- you've got to believe good things will happen and then they will.

Moment's over quick, though, as Cheech wraps up the father-son bonding and says he's going to Vegas. The Camaro, the planned road trip to the Grand Canyon and Baby Hurley will all have to wait.

Cheech gives Baby Hurley a candy bar and rides out of his life.

Back on the Island, Hurley sits and tells the story of what happened to him when he was caught by the Others, and how wigged out everyone is now that the Superfriends are missing. And that he's scared, too. And that he misses her.

The camera pans out, and Hurley is at Libby's grave. Awwww.

Soon-to-be-dead Charlie is moping. Hurley comes over and tells him to quit it, and Charlie tells him about Desmond's prediction. Charlie thinks that this is where Hurley will say "Dude! He's crazy!" but Hurley actually says "Dude, he might be right! Make a will!"

Hurley thinks Charlie's soon-to-be death might be his fault. He's cursed, ya know -- Death finds him.

Vincent (remember Vincent the dog?) runs out of the jungle with something in his mouth. Ewww -- skeletal hand! Bad dog! Death has found Hurley. Again.

Hurley thinks they should chase the dog with the skeletal arm, but Charlie thinks he's a nutter. So Hurley runs off alone.

Vincent reappears and helpfully drops the arm in front of Hurley, then waits there like "do you know fetch, idiot? Throw the arm!" Instead, Hurley pulls something from the fingers -- a VW key attached to a rabbit's foot. Dude!

Flashback!

Hurley and his buddy Randy are talking to a TV reporter in front of the chicken shack where Hurley used to work. Hurley's won the lottery, bought the chicken shack, and now he's gonna be on TV.

The reporter introduces herself as Trisha Tanaka and starts tossing him softball questions about winning the lottery and buying a chicken shack. But Hurley talks about all the bad luck he's had -- his grandpa died, the house he bought his mom burned down, his girlfriend ran away with another guy, some guy jumped off his accountant's roof ...

Trisha Tanaka is pissed, and asks Hurley if he knows what a puff piece is. Then she asks if she and the camera guy can shoot some B-roll inside Mr. Clucks. Hurley is hesitant, but Randy assures him it'll be OK -- the place is empty, and the friers are turned off, so there won't be a horrific drumstick accident.

Trisha and the camera guy go inside, and then we hear a whistling sound. "Dude, do you hear that?" and then SLAM!!!! A giant meteor crashes into Mr. Clucks, destroying it and Trisha Tanaka.



On the Island, Hurley finds a vine-covered blue VW bus. There's a skeleton sitting in the driver's seat, still dressed in a Dharma uniform.

Sun and Jin are on the beach with a bunch of random extras, sorting through the Dharma food stash. Sun says she's only going to talk to Jin in English, because he'll learn English faster that way. Jin says a bunch of stuff in Korean that probably translates to "Wench!"

Hurley runs in, all excited about his VW find. Nikki and Paulo are terribly excited to be in this scene, but skeptical about the van. Hurley argues that fixing the van will be fun, and they could all use some fun, especially soon-to-be-dead Charlie.

Hurley asks for volunteers to help, but everyone walks away but Jin, who has no clue what this crazy American is babbling about.

Sawyer and Kate trudge through the jungle. They're almost back to Lostaway Beach.

He asks Freckles why she's not happy to be back, but Kate's still pouting about leaving Jack. Sawyer suggests the Lostaways should be explaining why no one came to look for them. Then he steps on something sharp and nasty.

There's a dart with a Dharma logo sticking out of his boot, and Kate yanks it out. Sawyer's gonna need a tetanus shot -- too bad Jack's playing with the Others.

They have an extended banter about Little House on the Prairie and giving one another a clean slate, but nothing changes -- Kate's still pissy that Jack's gone and she doesn't have two guys to fight over her, and Sawyer's still pissy that Freckles tossed him a pity screw.

They arrive at camp, and everyone does the hug and cry, while Kate and Sawyer give each other meaningful looks.

Flashback!

Hurley enters his palatial mansion home, and tells his mom that Mr. Clucks got smushed, and that Trisha Tanaka is dead. He says it's the curse -- the lottery money is cursed because the numbers were cursed, and he's gotta go to Australia, because that's where his friend from the mental institution got the numbers.

Mom slaps Hurley, and says it was another accident. And besides, he can't be cursed. Cheech is back!



Hurley and Jin check out the van, and apologize to Roger the skeleton. Dude, Roger was on a beer run! There's a big stack of cases of Dharma brand beer in the back of the VW. Jin plays charades until Hurley figures out he wants to get Roger out of the driver's seat and right the van. They pull Roger out, and his head pops off. Sorry, dude.

Soon-to-be-dead Charlie asks Desmond when he's gonna die. Des tries to play the whole thing off as a drunken ramble, but Charlie's not buying it. Desmond says he can't tell him.

Sawyer's pissy because his stash is gone. Des tries to apologize for drinking the Scotch, which sets Saywer off again. He wants to know who besides Desmond and the munchkin drank his booze. He so shoulda called Charlie a Hobbit -- I've been waiting for that the entire series.

Jin and Hurley are trying to right the van. Sawyer's still pissed about his booze, but Hurley's all "Dude! You're alive!"



Sawyer hugs him back. "Yeah, yeah, Snuffy, it's good to see you too. I'll be damned, you all found yourself a hippie car." Jin greets Sawyer in English, and Sawyer's impressed that's Jin's hooked on phonics.

Sawyer explains that Kate's back too, but that the Others still have Jack. Hurley says it's OK -- Jack's gonna be fine. Sawyer's return is a sign that things are gonna start looking up. He's gonna help with the van, and everyone is gonna sing songs and dance on rainbows.



Kate is on the beach, talking to Sayid and Locke about Super Jack. She says he sacrificed himself so she could escape -- Kate is the most important person in the Universe, after all.

But Michael and Walt got a boat and sailed away, so in theory, the Others can leave, too. And they've probably got more than one boat. But to do anything, they've got to find the Others' subdivision.

Kate says she's going to get help, and that she's going to get Jack back. The lame romantic triangle must continue!



Flashback!

Cheech, Hurley and Mom enjoy a dinner prepared by the Trans, the Korean family Hurley hired away from Bennigan's. Mom's telling Cheech all about what a good son Hurley is -- he even bought her a solid gold Buddy Christ.

Hurley's all emo because Cheech has been gone for 17 years, and thinks he's back for the money. Mom says Cheech is back because Hurley needs a father's love -- and she could use a little Cheech lovin' too. It's been 17 years, after all.

Hurley is grossed out beyond belief at his mom's eagerness for a toke off Cheech's joint. He says he's getting rid of the money and the house and everything, and fires the Trans, probably saving them from a horrific death in a lasagna accident.

Mom argues that Cheech *is* going to stay, and she *is* going to get some action. She knows Hurley wants him to stay, too, and she can prove it -- he's still got the Bitchin' Camaro, up on blocks in the garage.



Sawyer, Jin and Hurley right the VW, and Sawyer scrounges through the back, finding beer, an old map of a dirt road Dharma was building (I'm sure that will be very significant in about five episodes) and ... Roger's head. He's understandably freaked.

Jin and Hurley check out the engine. Jin talks in Korean, Hurley says "Dude" some more, and neither of them make much sense.

"I have hope," Hurley says. "This will work." He puts the key in the ignition and turns it, but nothing happens.



Sawyer chills out with Roger and drinks skunky Dharma beer. It's flat and it's hot, but hey -- it's beer.

Hurley gives him shit about making fun of poor, dead Roger. While they're bickering, Jin interrupts and says he can't fix the VW.

Hurley says he *has* to fix it, dude! Everyone on the Island could use some hope. An old VW bus and some skunky beer equal hope!

But Sawyer pops his balloon. "If it's hope you're looking for, Ese, you're on the wrong damn island. There sure as hell ain't no hope here!"



Flashback!

Cheech wakes up Hurley, who has taken to wearing headphones to dampen the sound of Cheech lovin' coming from his mom's bedroom.

Cheech says it's time to break the curse, and takes him to a psychic.

Psychic chick lays out the tarot cards and does a pretty specific reading about numbers and darkness and a curse. She says the curse can be lifted, and gets a big pot and tells Hurley to drop trou.

Hurley offers her a thousand bucks to admit Cheech put her up to this scam. She refuses. He offers her ten grand, and she fesses up. Cheech protests he was just trying to help.

On the Island, Hurley prays to the VW gods, while Sawyer and Jin drink beer and practice English. Hurley tells Sawyer that he's praying for help, but Sawyer knows what will help Hurley -- beer.

He tosses a warm one over Hurley's head. The can rolls down a hill, and the lightbulb goes off over Hurley's head.



Hurley finds Charlie, and tells him to quit moping on the beach and come help him fix the love machine.

Charlie's not going for it, so Hurley slaps him and tells him to stop dwelling on his soon-to-be death. Hurley thinks they need to do something stupid and kinda dangerous, and if they don't die, they win. They've broken their curse.

"Look, I don't know about you," Hurley says, "but things have really sucked for me lately and I could really use a victory. So, let's get one, Dude. Let's get this car started. Let's look death in the face and say 'Whatever, man'. Let's make our own luck."



At the van, Sawyer teaches Jin the three most important phrases for a married man: "I'm sorry." "You were right." "Those pants don't make you look fat."

This is part of why I liked this episode -- we've needed some fun. Jack and his Thai tats are too emo for me.

Hurley tells them to quit boozing it up and help him. "What's your problem, JumboTron?" Sawyer asks.

"Shut up," Hurley says, "Red ... neck ... man."

"Touche," Sawyer says. He sees Charlie. "What's Jiminy Cricket doing here?"

Hurley explains that they're gonna push the van to a biiiig slope, and he's gonna get in, ride it down, crash and die. Fun, huh?



Flashback!

Hurley is packing his bags when Cheech comes in. Hurley tells him to buzz off, and that he's not getting any of the lottery money.

Cheech admits he's only there for the cash, but says Hurley doesn't need to go to Australia to break the curse -- all he needs is hope. He suggests that Hurley give away the lottery dough, fix up the Camaro, and he and Cheech take off for the Grand Canyon in a very special episode of "Growing Pains."

Hurley says he'll send him a postcard from Australia.



The gang of four and the VW are at the top of a biiiiig hill. Sawyer points out that Hurley's gonna die, horribly. But Hurley has faith -- they're gonna push-start the love machine, and then the world will be okey-dokey. Oh, and Charlie's gonna ride shotgun.

Jin and Sawyer push the doom and gloom twins to a certain death. They rocket down the big hill toward big rocks. A bit of "omg omg omg we're gonna die," Hurley turns the key and ... the VW starts! An eight-track starts playing Shamabla by Three Dog Night. Cheers all around, and Sawyer, Jin and Vincent get a ride in the Hope Bus.

Everybody sings songs and dances on rainbows. Sawyer, Charlie and Jin bring skunk beer to all the Lostaways. Jin gives Sun a flower. Charlie goes to see Claire. Sawyer looks for Kate but can't find her, so he drinks hot beer and smiles. Hurley drives the love machine around the Island.

Kate walks through the jungle at night. And since capable Kate has temporarily replaced whiny, annoying Kate, she easily avoids a net trap on the ground.

She's being followed by Locke and Sayid, who want to know why they weren't invited on her "Get Jack" quest. She says that they're not motivated enough, and besides, they don't know where to look.

Locke protests he does too know where to look for the Others -- Eko's stick told him. Kate and Sayid both think following a dead guy's stick is pretty stupid.

Someone shoots at them, and Locke prepares to go all commando, but Kate stops them. She tells the shooter they just want to talk.

Hey -- it's Rousseau! How ya doing, Frenchie? Long time no see!

Kate wants Rousseau to help her find the Others' subdivision. I want to see more of Rousseau, both because Mira Furlan rocks and to hear Sayid say "the French Woman" like she's from Mars.

Rousseau says she can't help -- she's got baking to do. Kate says she has to -- the Others had her and would have killed her. And that must be avenged, because Kate Is The Most Important Person In The Universe!!!

Oh, and that there was this girl named Alex with the Others. She might be Rousseau's missing kid.