American Idol - Pop Music ala Gwen Stefani

Aight, suckas! I ain't gonna perpetrate here, I am totally pumped that Gwen Stefani is gonna be our sit in legend for the evening. I've been a fan ever since I first saw the video for "Just a Girl" with her wearing her little "Gwen" tank top. I've seen her in concert three times and have been left satisfied every time. Even though she's going through her "I don't give a rat's ass, I'm Gwen, dammit" phase, draggin' around those Japanese girls, I still think she's the bomb, yo! I don't care if she's a little B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Ryan promises songs from No Doubt, and the bands that inspired them like Donna Summer (?), the Police, and the Cure. Did he say the Cure? Anger rising...not a good sign...all I gotta ask is which toolbox is going to sing "Lovesong"?

My anger stems a bit because Lakisha is leading off tonight's show. Her session with Gwen didn't have much to it other than it left Gwen wondering if she should be asking Lakisha for singing tips.

She's performing Donna Summer's "Last Dance" and like I've said before, it's not any fun when they pick obvious songs and they sing them well. She did step it up a bit from last week. She's in it to win it. Randy likes the tempo change for her. Paula says she did Donna Summer proud. Simon likes the boots and says she's 30 years younger this week and liked her big notes. It was a good way to start out the show.

Chris Sligh is up next and he's in the hot seat for one of those bullshit questions. Is he sarcastic and unfunny? Maybe he is or maybe he IS. Anyway, during his session with Gwen where he's previewing "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" Gwen tells him that he really has to work on the tempo because he's off like a mofo.

He starts out and ...good gawd...he's taken "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" and turned it into a Police song!!! HOW DARE HE??? Oh wait, never mind. Gwen was right on the money about the tempo because at the end of the very first verse he's already fallen behind. Then he gets panicky and nasally, He still keeps extending notes too and falls behind even more before the second chorus. I swear it's like he's never heard the song before. It really is a disaster even though his voice sounds decent. Karen from "The Office" did a better job with this song though.

Randy totally calls him out on the tempo, and calls it a train wreck. Paula makes "staying in the pocket" this season's pitchy. Simon thinks it was mess, gets cut off by the music and has a mini hissy fit. Chris shrugs it off, but admits that he was off with a simple "My bad".

Gina's next and an emotional moment when she meets one of her inspirations in Gwen. She's singing "I'll Stand by You" by Chrissie Hynde. Gwen thinks it's the perfect song for her voice. I'm thinking it's the perfect song choice. If a rocker chick wants to show her vulnerable side why not sing a song by a rocker chick showing off her vulnerable side. "2000 Miles" would have been better but , whatev.

Gina's looking kinda yummy in her tight tight outfit and looks likes she's going to tip over when she starts out. The only problem I have with this is that I hate this song no matter who sings it. Still. she sounds great and gets to show off her rich voice with some big notes.

Randy calls it one of her best performances and it was the perfect song for her. Paula says she's coming into her own. Simon does a fake out with "It wasn't one of you best performances" (insert boos) "It was your best performance" (insert yays) Gina is totally psyched she's in tears. Good for her. She's back on my favorite list.

If you could hear me groan, that could only mean it's time for Sanjaya. Of course he was the subject of the most obvious parody ever on Saturday Night Live...my guess is that they will milk him for all it's worth. I'm not gonna harp on it but obviously I'm not a fan. It's to silly to even pull the righteous card. The only thing is I wish that they'd stop handling him with retarded kid gloves. I mean he deserves to be treated as harshly as all the other fame whores on this show, but for some reason they tiptoe around him like he's dying or something. This week Sanjaya will be singing "Bathwater" by No Doubt. Gwen pretty much says it's a tough song and good luck. Meaning this is going to suck...again.

Dude, really...you must stop with the hair. At first I though he was going for the Joakim Noah look, but it's actually a Mohawk made up of little ponytails. What really hurts about this performance was my FAVORITE No Doubt moment when seeing them live was seeing Gwen shimmy that fly booty to this song. Now that's ruined. Thanks a lot fuckstick. The sad part is that I think he knows he can just show up and suck and still hang around to suck some more next week. Thank goodness he didn't do the pleading "Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?" part. I would have puked all over my coffee table. To quote the great Kool Moe Dee, "Why in the heck won't somebody kill him?"

Still Randy and Paula are encouraging while Simon admits it really doesn't matter what they say at this point.

Hailey half naked is up and we catch her session with the Gwen in the middle of her torturing "True Colors" Gwen pretty much tells her to cut the shit. Will she listen?

Hailey's performance is notable only for two reasons. The first is that she's actually dressed this week and the second is that the performance is so boring that those "I'm trying so hard to reach you while I'm singing on the stage" gestures are prominent and extremely annoying. Anyway she did listen to Gwen and it was the safest song choice performed in the safest manner. Randy says she didn't grab him and was pitchy. Paula said she came off as an adult contemporary performance. Simon called the performance sweet but forgettable. Yay! If she sticks around next week we could see her in pasties and a thong!

Phil surprises Gwen with his singing of "Every Breath You Take" and says he sounds good when he sticks to the melody. That's the second week in a row Phil has gotten really high praise in the session. I wonder if it's just nerves or his poor wardrobe and song choices have been that distracting.


Wow, immediately it all comes together for Phil. The song about stalking, the bug eyes, and the clothes which are perfect for peeping into a window from a tree...perfectamundo. The problem I have is that the bands tempo for this song is blazing fast. It's more like the "I'll be Missing You" Biggie Smalls tribute. Immediately all I can think about is Puff Daddy dancing around in a white suit. I hate you MTV. Phil's voice is on and he nails the song.

Randy thought it was solid and he kinda liked it. Paula thought the chorus (bridge?) sounded great. Simon thought it was very good and it was the first time he felt like Phil was taking this seriously.

We quickly jump into Melinda's session with Gwen and she's just blown away by her take on Donna Summer's "Heaven Knows" and says she doesn't need any luck tonight.

Okay, I actually have this song on my iPod and I'm really happy she'll be singing this tonight. The original version has a parroting male singer through the verses, but they left that out here. I think it could have been interesting if they left it in, but it works fine without. Now one of the things I like the most about Donna Summer in this song is the desperation in her voice. Melinda's take is just the opposite and the song becomes very assertive. As it should, since it's being sung by an OCD ass-kicking machine. She just rocks it and that's all there is to say.

Randy repeats his praise from last week that she's pretty much a pro in the manner she lives the words. Paula loves the way she tells stories. Simon says vocally she was outstanding but he hated the outfit.

Now we have Blake and naturally, he's the toolbox who'll be singing "Lovesong" by the Cure. Gwen says he should leave the beatbox at home, but she doesn't seem too impressed.

Hmm, it's a ripoff of 311's cover of "Lovesong". I wonder if the judges will miss it like they did with Daughtry's Live "Walk the Line" cover? Well, since Randy and Paula hadn't even heard of 311, I bet it will be one of them that gives him praise for "originality". He plays it safe by not beatboxing, no robot either. He's just pretty much Blandy Blanderson sucking out all the emotion of the song.

Randy didn't think it was the perfect song for him but he liked it. Paula thought it was the coolest take on the song (loser!) and thinks he makes this show contemporary. Simon says he's the strongest guy in the competition. he also compares him to Daughtry and warns him against becoming indulgent, because it's getting boring. Word.

Next we have the fast rising Jordin Sparks who shocks Gwen by picking "Hey, Baby". She shocks Gwen even more by showing her the song is more musical than she thought and that all she needs to add is some booty shake.

Jordin reminds me of last year's Paris Bennett, in that she's really talented, but really wants to perform her age and just have fun. This song isn't a disaster like I thought it would be. It doesn't help that she is wearing a jacket stolen from a picnic table. The booty shaking doesn't deliver, either. It was probably one of those situations where in your head your busting off all these moves but physically you aren't moving all that much...I mean I've heard that happens to people.

Randy thought it was risky, but thought it was brilliant. Paula said she's young and adorable. Simon says she's the most improved but thought it was a bit copycat-ish. \

Finally, in the "Let's put the screws to Dancing with the Stars" spot, is Chris Richardson. He's gonna be singing "Don't Speak". Gwen is keenly aware of his "vocal Olympics" thing that annoys everyone. Once again Gwen says to cut the shit and if he focuses on the melody he'll do well.

There's an R and B feel to the arrangement. It doesn't matter because all I can think of is Gwen walking around barefoot in that sun dress and her little black anklet... Sigh. Oh the songs over. I guess it was okay.

Randy liked the r and B flavor and said he should feel free to embrace his R and B side. Paula said is was good, but in a skeevy way. Simon thought it was a good choice, but that he struggled with his vocals in the middle. Ryan tries to stir up some Grease like smack talk by asking him if Blake being announced the front runner fired him up a little. Chris pretty much backs off which is a good move on a show like this.

My favorites this week were Gina, Melinda, and Jordin

Prediction for elimination: Hailey, with Chris Richardson being saved only because of his spot on the lineup.