Survivor: Love Many, Trust Few, Do Harm to None

I feel really sorry for Ravu. The skinny arms and legs, the thousand-yard stares ... watching the jokers on "Survivor" suffer is usually fun.

But watching them slowly die? This is beginning to feel like a documentary on Famineland. I'm waiting for Angelina Jolie to swoop down and adopt the whole tribe.



As the soon-to-be hospitalized Ravu tribe cries themselves to sleep, Yau-Man creeps away to talk to Earl. They're the only two people left in the tribe who have been to Exile Island. Yau-Man knows where the Hidden Immunity Idol is -- he needs help to get it.

Team up for the HII? Great! Why hasn't anyone thought of this before? Earl agrees to help Yau-Man. An alliance of two people who do not suck is born.



The next morning, Earl rouses Ravu to go look for something to eat -- anything will do. Remember that episode of "The Simpsons" where the kids got stranded and went all Lord of the Flies and Lisa licked slime off rocks because she's a vegetarian? Ravu would be all about the rock-licking right now, if only they could find some slime.

Yau-Man stays behind and digs, but hard earth plus dull machete equals no HII. It's very sad. C'mon Yau-Man -- use that big brain of yours! How about dumping some heated water on the spot to loosen the dirt?

Moto casually browses through the Ikea catalog, looking for some more stuff for their overstuffed camp. It's so annoying -- usually there's a lot of excitement about the "Survivor catalog" challenges, but this tribe already has so much shit that more isn't going to make a difference.

Good job, Mark Burnett -- your "rich vs. poor" concept has turned into "annoying overprivledged Republicans trample homeless starving people." If I wanted to watch that, I'd watch C-Span.

Ravu is picking more carefully, but like it's gonna matter. They're gonna lose. They're Ravu.



Oh in the sweet name of pie, not the sumo challenge!! This is brute physical strength with a little bit of balance and brains -- not something for people who haven't eaten in ten days! Winners take everything both tribes picked -- toiletries and coffee for Moto, fishing gear and a pot of potatoes for Ravu -- and get to send someone to EI.

Dreamz opens his big, stupid mouth and laughs about winning a third set of fishing gear. I hate Dreamz. I want him to get sent to EI and get his junk bitten by a nasty poisonous sea snake like that guy in "Snakes on a Plane."

Rocky gets riled by Dreamz being a dick, and they do the bleacher shout until Probst sends them up to sumo. Now, I think Rocky is an annoying, less intelligent version of Boston Rob -- and I don't like Boston Rob. But I so, so wanted him to knock Dreamz on his ass.

Sigh. Rocky's lost so much weight he's a stick with a Brooklyn accent. Dreamz steamrolls him.

Cassandra downs Rita in two hits. Edgardo, Lisi, Boo and Alex also have no trouble winning points for Moto, and Ravu is down 6-0. This is embarassing -- it's like watching your high school football team take on the Mathletes.

Yau-Man squares off against Stacy, and feels kinda silly taking on a girl. Girl's whooping his butt, though, until she slips all the mud on the platform and takes a header. Ravu wins it's first, and only point -- Cassandra easily wins again, mercifully ending the slaughter. Moto sends Earl to EI again.



Dreamz attempts to make coffee with the French Press. I'll admit I probably wouldn't know how to do it either, but I would ask for help. I wouldn't get all loud and annoying and shitty as I wasted coffee making two cups of hot, watery coffee grounds.

The extra cup is for Cassandra, who is Dreamz's newest, bestest friend. Wasn't he pointing fingers at her last week saying she needed to go? Whatever.

Dreamz says he knows no one likes him and he really doesn't care -- he and Cassandra are going to flip to Ravu's side at the first opportunity.

But Stacy and Lisi are almost as annoying, lounging around and snickering as Dreamz messes with the press. They refuse to help him, and wait until he's gone before making themselves perfect cups of coffee and enjoying a Taster's Choice moment on the Couch of Smugness.

Alex and Edgardo win points for being appalled at their bitchiness. Edgardo says that they're part of his alliance, but if they don't cut out the Paris Hilton imitation, they're gone.



Earl reads the clues on EI (DIG HERE! WE TOLD YOU TO DIG HERE! WHY AREN'T YOU DIGGING??) and wonders if Yau-Man can conjure a shovel out of midair and get to the HII. Sorry, Earl.

At Ravu, Rita and Michelle braid one another's hair and gossip about lip gloss. Next they're going to make prank phone calls to boys they like. What is it about Survivor that turns perfectly reasonable, adult women into attendees of a fifth-grade slumber party?

Rocky and Anthony are driven from the cave by the girl talk. I'm surprised Anthony doesn't cry. "The whole lip gloss thing is really not my thing," Rocky bitches. "I'm going to smack them with a fried pineapple."

OK, I'd pay a dollar to see that. Heck, I'll pay a dollar to see *anyone* fry up a pineapple and whallop someone with it.

Alex has done the math -- even with a five person alliance, they need Dreamz's and Cassandra's support until the majority of Ravu is gone. Actively antagonizing them is *not* a good idea. So he makes the rounds.

Lisi's all "Whatever! I'm the Queen of All!" Hey Lisi -- shouldn't you be smart or good at something if you're gonna be this smug? Stacy doesn't get it either -- she's all "Dreamz is icky!" I agree with her, but it's still a numbers game at this point -- don't lose if you don't have to.

Boo's just happy he hasn't injured himself today -- he doesn't care about Cassandra or Dreamz. "Ugh!!! God Kill me! Kill me! Kill me right now!" Alex vents. "How do you not understand what I'm trying to say here?" You know Alex, I feel like that all the time too.

Edgardo is the only one willing to listen, and he and Alex agree to make the two outcasts feel like part of the tribe.



Immunity challenge time, and it's the classic concentration game -- flip the cards, match up the pairs. There are four dummy cards on the board with no pairs, just to make it more interesting.

A mental challenge is better for Ravu, but if I was in their position, I'm not sure I could remember *anything* except how long it had been since my last meal.

Cassandra gets a lucky match to score for Moto, followed by Boo. Yau-Man is so mentally wiped he misses an easy match, which shows just how bad it's gotten for Ravu.

Lisi gets all excited and tries to run to the board, but wipes out and lands on her annoying face. I laugh -- she may be the first person to fall down in a mental challenge. Doesn't matter -- she flips over the wrong board, Moto yells, breaks the rules and she loses her turn.

Earl steals the match for Ravu, and then Anthony scores. Go Ravu! Then we get a flipping montage, because even the producers knew this challenge was boring. We end up with the score tied 6-6.

Rocky can win it for Ravu, but he can't remember where the match is. Cassandra can, though, and she wins the challenge for Moto ... again.



Back at the cave, Rocky admits blowing the challenge, but blames it on everyone talking at once and interrupting each other. Rita keeps interrupting him while he's talking, thereby proving his point. Go back to your lip gloss.

Anthony sees some hope, and does not cry. Last week everyone was hating on him. Now they're hating on Rita.

But Michelle suggests voting out Anthony, and Rita, Mookie and Yau-Man agree. I don't think they really care at this point -- they're so hungry, dehydrated and beaten down that getting voted off would be a reward.

Rocky's insistent that Rita goes, though, and argues his point with Mookie, who says everyone is playing an individual game now, and you've got to watch your back.

Boring Tribal -- everyone's tired, everyone's hungry, and everyone just wants it *over.* See, ya, Rita.



Next time: Drop your buffs.