Survivor: Blackmail and Betrayal

Coming back from the Tribal that revealed the Horse Boys as Jackasses, Mookie and Alex come to the brilliant conclusion that Dreamz screwed them. They also realize that they're Dead Survivors Walking.

Gee, ya think?

Dreamz bitches to Stacy about not being told about the vote switch. Stacy manages to convince him that they had to be sure Alex wasn't feeding him "misinformation," but somehow I think that any information that Dreamz gets into his skull becomes misinformation of one type or another. Stacy gets Dreamz to buy this line of B.S., to the point where he says it was a good idea.

Earl gloats about booting Edgardo, and says the power is on the Syndicate's side now. Don't get too comfortable, Earl, or you'll start getting the Evil Edit.

Stacy's happy that she doesn't have to stress, and states the obvious -- Alex and Mookie's days are numbered. "They'll be lucky if they get fed," she snarks, and oh, there's the French press bitch we all learned to dislike. I knew she was in there somewhere.

The next morning, the Horse Boys are still bitching about Dreamz, and say that he should at least come over and apologize. Yeah, because if he does that, you're not going to jump his shit?

Interestingly enough, in a minute or so, Dreamz does wander over, wondering why he can't hang with the Horse Boys no more. So Mookie and Alex jump his shit, accusing him of screwing them over. Dreamz claims they were *all* outwitted, but then admits to voting for Mookie, which causes the Horse Boys to melt down again.

OK, I tried to listen to Dreamz's explaination. Twice. It didn't make sense. I'm not even sure it was in my native language. He needs more subtitles.

Dreamz says in confessional that he lied to the Horse Boys about being outwitted, because he needs their votes in the end game. Dreamz makes my head hurt. He's either one of the best Survivor players ever or the African-American Rainman.



Reward challenge time!

The Survivors will be split into two teams. One person in each team will be on a platform launching balls from a big rubber band. The rest of the teams will be on a big muddy field, trying to catch the balls in a "catch basket." First team to catch five wins reward, which is a big basket of product-placement bath and body goodies, and a night in a luxury spa to enjoy them.

Our teams: Orange is Yau-Man, Boo, Cassandra and Mookie. Green is Alex, Stacy, Earl and Dreamz.

Yau-Man launches long. Stacy holds her ball a bit and it bounces in and out of Earl's basket. Boo outgrabs Dreamz to score, and Mookie catches Stacy's ball to put Orange up 2-0.

Someone rags on Earl about missing, and he says "I am physical -- it's the placement of the balls." You know, that statement could be taken entirely the wrong way.

It's all about the balls, baby.

Buncha people miss, and Cassandra's got Earl in a choke hold. Dang, girl! Earl complains to Probst, who says it's up to them to decide how physical to get. Game on!

Dreamz scores for Green. Next toss, Alex and Boo are in a push fight when Boo slips and starts screaming in pain. He can't stand up, and he's rolling around in the mud and grunting that it's his ACL -- ouch!



Probst calls for the medic. Boo stands up, moves the knee around a little and you can actually hear a pop. Owie, owie, owie -- I hate watching stuff like this! He bounces around some more and declares himself ready to play. Boo is hecka hardcore!

Alex makes a point of knocking Boo out of the way of the next ball. Asshat. Dreamz scores. Mookie scores. Dreamz scores -- we've finally found something he's good at.

Stacy shoots one toward Alex, who's tripped from behind by Cassandra. All she's doing is kicking ass! Mookie scores.

Mookie's ragging on Yau-Man to fire the balls his way. Yau-Man shoots a ball at him, but Alex catches it to tie the game.

Boo misses. Dreamz catches *another* ball to win for Green. He rocked this challenge.



Poor hurt Boo gets sent to Exile Island because "he's been living the life of luxury," but I think it was so he could get a chance to find the Hidden Immunity Idol.

Boo's clue (giggle) is that the HII is on Bula Bula's beach, near a single tree and easy to find. Boo admits his knee hurts like hell and that he's nearing heat exhaustion.



On the seaplane to the spa, Alex says he's going to try to "wriggle" back into the alliance. When were you *in* the alliance, idiot?

Everyone soaps up, gets foot massages and has a big dinner. Fun, fun, fun.



Stacy says it's awkward having Alex hanging around. Alex starts talking himself up, saying what a gentleman he is and how he isn't showboating -- if he ever had anything to showboat about, that is.

Stacy snarks "sometimes" in response. She really is a bitch!

Alex asks Earl what the voting order is, but Earl ain't talking. Alex says he thinks Mookie wants to go, and Earl says that’s why he might not go first, because he wants to go first. Nice!



They head back to camp the next morning, and Mookie's bitching about how they smell like apples and strawberries and how he doesn't want to hear about their reward. Mookie hates everyone who ain't Mookie.

Mookie theorizes to Dreamz that Yau-Man has an HII, because Yau-Man hangs around camp a lot and has had time to look for one. Good guess!

So when Yau-Man goes fishing, Mookie and Alex rummage through his stuff and find the HII. That ain't nice! How would you like it if someone was pawing your stinky boxers?

Stacy and Cassandra toast a "long and prosperous" game with pineapples. Do we have a hidden secondary alliance?

Mookie and Alex wander right past Stacy and Cassandra, who duck into hiding. And Mookie's got a plan -- they wait until Tribal, and ask Yau-Man if he's got the HII. When he says no, they force him to turn out his pockets. When people see the HII, they'll get all upset and stuff, and the Horse Boys will get to stay.

What?? I've seen underwear gnomes with better plans!!!

Alex talks about how good it's going to be to go out swinging. Key words in that sentence -- go out. You're still gonna lose, and you still suck.

Stacy shifts and snaps a branch -- yep, just like in a cheesy movie. Whoops!

Alex think he's screwed ... again.

But since he's proven himself to be a sexist, stupid asshat on national television, and he's got other problems outside of that, he should appreciate any screwing he gets.

Stacy admits she and Cassandra couldn't hear what the Horse Boys were saying. Ha!

Plan B! The Horse Boys corner Yau-Man and ask if he wants to tell everyone he's got the HII or if he wants them to do it. Yau-Man's a cool customer, though, and he doesn't get rattled. He tells them to do what they think they've gotta do. Mookie tries to intimidate him, which just makes him even *more* sucktastic, but Yau-Man calmly says he doesn't think it's going to change the game anyway.

Yau-Man tells Stacy the Horse Boys are trying to "blackmail" him. Stacy gets hecka pissed that Mookie and Alex went through Yau-Man's stuff and runs to tell the others. Everyone gets cranky at the invasion of privacy.

Earl's laughing because he realizes that no one's focusing on the fact that Yau-Man has an HII, but he would have liked the information to stay a secret for longer. Dreamz bitches that anyone with an HII is dangerous, so he, Cassandra and Stacy will be on a different level. Poor Boo. Why does no one remember Boo?



Immunity challenge time! I could go into a long, complicated explanation of this game, but they're basically playing Battleship.

Dreamz and Boo choose the exact same squares, with Earl sharing two of them. Weird.

Dreamz fires first, hiting *himself,* Boo and Earl. Way to go, Brainiac. Cassandra hits Yau-Man and herself too -- did someone explain how to play this game to them?

Mookie hits Earl, but not himself. Way to go! Earl hits Alex, Cassandra and Mookie.
Yau-Man hits Boo, Dreamz and Earl, knocking Earl out and making it clear where Boo and Dreamz's last square is. Stacy hits it to knock them both out of the game.

Alex fires a miss. Cassandra whiffs. Mookie knocks out Cassandra.

Yau-Man hits Mookie and Stacy. Alex misses again. Stacy picks a square that was already chosen and misses. Mookie hits Alex, and then gets knocked out by Yau-Man.

Alex hits Yau-Man -- his first hit! Stacy knocks both Yau-Man and Alex out, winning Immunity. She then gets confused and tries to wear the Immunity necklace as an oversized belly ring.



Back at camp, Alex and Mookie chow down on fruit and pout. Alex says he's going out swinging (again), and that he's going to be totally honest (that'll be a first) and point out that people like Yau-Man can't be trusted (WTF?)

Dreamz tells Earl that Mookie should go. Earl points out that Mookie's checked out mentally, and Alex is the bigger threat. Dreamz insists Alex can't win immunity, but there's luck involved. See Stacy and her new belly ring.



Sigh. Boo, I want to love ya, but ... did you hurt your head and not your knee? Boo insists to Earl that Mookie or Alex could have found the rehidden HII, even though Boo's got the only clue.

For some unknown reason, Cassandra and Stacy buy the line of bull, and want to split the vote -- giving Alex and Mookie three votes each. Tie, and then vote out Alex if no HII is played.

Earl and Yau-Man agree this plan is *dumb,* but they agree to it to make the Syndicate happy.

At Tribal, Alex says the physical reward challenge showed how hard people are willing to play, and that the snakes and rats have come out.

Sue Hawk wants her twenty bucks, damnit!!

Mookie whines that there were two alliances, but that the Horse Boys were taken out by backstabbing and trickery. He feels like an outsider. Awww, poor baby.

That coulda been the end of it, but then Mookie keeps babbling and says the Horse Boys could have found a way out of their plight when they "found" the HII in Yau-Man's bag.

Probst does his best wide-eyed shocked face. "You *found* it?" Then he snarks that Mookie and Alex are about as "snaky-ratty" as you can get. Ha!

Yau-Man says his privacy was invaded, but it doesn't matter, because he won't have to use the HII for a few rounds, anyway. Probst tries to push him on that, but Yau-Man is smarter than Probst and he knows it.

Time to vote. So much for going down swinging?

OMGWTFBBQ? Is that Alex voting for Mookie? Smell ya later, Mook!



Next week: Molesting chickens for fun and profit.

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Monster Mash Singer Passes Away

Bobby "Boris" Pickett the singer of "Monster Mash" has passed away at 69. Read about it here

I remember really digging the "Monster Mash" before I even heard the whole song. It was totally based on a five second snippet that I heard for a TV record commercial. Come to think about it was the same way I was introduced to "Ramblin' Man"...

Anyway here's Bobby Brown and Mike Tyson "covering" Monster Mash


"Monster Mash" and the whole concept of Monsters clebrating together was also the subject of my favorite Mr. Show skit ever.



I don't care what the masturbating guy says, I think Wolfman and Dracula would throw a hell of a champagne jam!

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Random Paj Notes

My allergies have been kickin' like a mofo this week so I've spent most of my free time this week sleeping, yo. Still I was able to catch most of American Idol: Idol Gives Back, this week and actually had a blog ready to go. Thinking of the charitable nature of the show I decided I was way too snide about something that more or less will do some good. So nobody got eliminated, Jack Black is still awesome, and I'll be twice the jerk next week.

I had a Rant Movie review planned for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force the past two weeks, but there was only one problem. My shitty town wasn't playing it anywhere! Haters. In the words of the Mooninites:

Alright, when I say your name, you say 'here.' And we will assume 'here' is short for 'here I am...rock you like a hurricane.

For all you Mooninite peeps out here's the Mooninite Quote Generator

On my sick day I finally caught up with De La Hoya/Mayweather 24/7 this week and it is tremendous. I think it's going to get the recap treatment. All I have to say is Mayweather is the "Hip Hop" Ric Flair and De La Hoya is the Ricky "Family Man" Steamboat of Boxing, but wussier. Guess who I'm rooting for. Oh yeah, I have another thing to say, "50 Cent rides a Segway like a champ!"

I'm so hyped for the Golden State Warriors right now I pulled out the Retro Cable Car "The City" Jersey and with a matching "The City" Hat for the game last night...and yes I felt pretty dumb when they turned out to be the same ol' Warriors in the second half of Game 2. I was smoking on my balcony when the Warriors were down by teens in the fourth quarter when I got a random "Warriors Suck" from an unseen voice. There is nothing worse than rocking the gear of a team who traditionally sucks, that just got blown out. I'm still rooting but the matching jersey and cap combo will be retired...forever.

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Survivor: It's a Turtle?

There are Tribal Councils, and then there are TRIBAL COUNCILS.

I thought Billy confessing his love affair with Candunce was the best Tribal ever. I may have been wrong.

Half of Bula Bula comes back to camp after the last vote without my beloved Michelle. Buncha haters.

Dreamz justifies his vote by saying that when Michelle said she didn't know him very well, he decided he didn't know her either and voted for her. What happened to his glee at the prospect of showing Stacy the door?

Mookie ... Mookie's hecka pissed. He says the vote's done and he's gotta deal, but you can tell this isn't the end of it.

The next morning, head Horse Boy Alex comes up with a brilliant idea make sure the final four is "sealed in blood." Ewwww! His plan? They gotta rotate holding the Hidden Immunity Idol, like kids sharing a kitten. You just know someone's gonna drop that kitten down a well. He wants Mookie to give it up, and each of them get to hold it for a day.

OK, not only is this childish and stupid, it only matters who's got the HII on days when there's a vote. It tells Mookie that Alex has the power in the alliance and that he doesn't trust Mookie, and that the Horse Boys just aren't that tight.

Mookie rages to Dreamz that his vote for Michelle instead of Stacy has screwed them both over, but I don't think Dreamz cares. Actually, I don't even think Dreamz was listening -- he was looking at a bird or something.

Earl's bummmed at losing Michelle, who was a key part of his alliance, but he's recovered enough to listen to Boo's proposal of an alliance. Boo's trying to save his butt -- Earl needs another vote. It could work. Earl starts plotting to chop off the head Horse Boy's head.




Reward challenge time! Oh, and I love, love, love this challenge -- it's guaranteed to stir up trouble.

The Survivors will answer a questionaire about their tribemates, and then Jeff will ask them who got the most votes in each question. Get it right -- you get to smash a tile belonging to a teammate. Lose three tiles, and you're out. This is a great way to reveal alliances and what people are thinking.

The winner will get a night on a luxury yacht, complete with food, bed and a shower; they also will send someone to Exile Island.

First question: Who would you trust with your life? Earl is the choice, and it's a pretty good one -- I might have gone with Yau-Man for his box-opening skills. Alex votes Dreamz -- wth? You won't trust Dreamz with the HII, but you'll trust him with your life??

Cassandra, Boo and Yau-Man smash Stacy's tiles, and she's out. That sends a clear signal -- you ain't one of us.

Who are you least likely to invite to a family dinner? It's Boo, and he seems hurt. People probably think he's gonna stab Grandma with a fork or something. To add insult to injury, Cassandra, Dreamz and Mookie pulverize Boo's tiles, and he's out.

Who feels the most entitlement? Alex!

Who would you most want to be stranded on a desert island with? Yau-Man! He's twenty-four shades of awesome! Everyone gets this question right but Alex, who probably wanted to vote for himself. Alex and Earl get knocked out of the game.

Who do you not want to see after the game is over? Ouch -- it's Stacy. That's gotta sting. Mookie's out of the game.

Who smells the worst? It's Dreamz, dude -- take a bath! Earl abashedly raises his hand too. Here's a tip -- if you think you stink, keep your arms down!

Who mistakenly thinks they are in control of the game? Alex again! The shit-eating grin slips a bit.

Who has surprised you with their athleticism? Yau-Man, the sumo-wrestling, spear-chucking king of Fiji.

Who has wasted this great opportunity? Stacy again, who got hit with everything but the stink bomb. Cassandra takes out Dreamz and wins the challenge.

Now we know what Cassandra's been doing all this time besides looking for a better bra -- she's been in a palm tree ninja style, taking notes on the rest of the competitors. Girl didn't miss a single question.



Cassandra sends Mookie to EI, and then is told she gets to choose three people to share her reward.

I thought Mookie was mad at Dreamz, but he's hecka pissed at Cassandra for sending him to EI. He throws a temper tantrum worthy of a three-year-old, vowing that she's made the worst mistake ever. "All I want to do is take out Cassandra and her alliance period." the baby Horse Boy rages. "I just have to get in touch with the Four Horsemen and it's done." What, are they the freaking Mafia now?

He also theorizes that Earl has the second HII because he spent so much time on EI, but mostly he just bitches about Cassandra.



Cassandra shows some real political skill in choosing who she's going to take on the yacht, picking two allies she wants to solidify -- Boo and Dreamz -- and a solid ally to help her convince them -- Yau-Man. This also leaves Earl back at camp to keep an eye on Alex and Edgardo. Nice move!

Food, booze, fireworks -- a fun time is had by all.

I crack up when Yau-Man describes their alliance as "The Syndicate." Yau-Man says he's not sure Dreamz is with them 100 percent, so he's taking the opportunity to "brainwash him." It's like he's an itty-bitty supervillain! Go Yau-Man!

When Yau-Man and Cassandra start talking about how Alex should go next, Dreamz gets all shifty-eyed and noncommittal. It's clear to Cassandra he's playing both sides, so she doesn't know how long he's gonna last.

Dreamz is *completely* incapable of bluffing. I wanna play poker with him -- he'll paste his cards to his forehead.

For his part, Dreamz says "It's like so much information going around that it's clogging my mind and I don't know what to do right now. I'm being tugged in every direction except my own."

That's all right Dreamz -- we know you're just gonna change your mind the next time you see something shiny, anyway.



The next day, Dreamz runs quick like a bunny to tell Alex that The Syndicate is gunning for him, although he does win a geek point for comparing Mookie to Gollum.

Earl interrupts their little love fest at the well, claiming he's looking for a pot. "There is a major part of me that wants to let Dreamz go," vents Earl. "His problem is he's trying to do a lot of strategy on his own and yes, it can be effective, but [only] if you don't tell people what you're doing."

Dreamz and Cassandra are talking later when Earl confronts him about fraternizing with the enemy. Dreamz and Earl talk loudly at each other for a few minutes -- Dreamz could have been ranting about fajitas for all I understood. But then he drops a bomb and reveals that Mookie's got an HII.

"It's a turtle?" Earl exclaims, like he's never seen one before. I laugh -- two points for acting!

Yau-Man's nervous that Mookie's got an HII -- and it's even worse that Alex and Edgardo know about it too.



The chaos is cut off by the Immunity Challenge. The survivors will use their arms to brace themselves between two walls, while their feet are positioned on very narrow footholds. Every 30 minutes they will step down to an even smaller foothold. When they reach the third and final foothold they will stay there as long as they can. When someone falls off, they're out. The main rule: no hips, no back, and no butts. Arms and feet only.

Michelle would have rocked this challenge.

Cassandra drops after 10 minutes. Mookie might be asleep. Twenty-two minutes, and Edgardo's trying to look cool and drumming on the walls. Boo cries "Meke!" which gets a chuckle out of me. I'm starting to like Boo. Then Edgardo just jumps down. WTH? Guess he thinks he doesn't need immunity.

Mookie slips and almost falls when they move to the second foothold. Earl does fall. At 41 minutes, Mookie's out, too.

Dreamz is struggling as soon as the move to the smallest foothold. He and Alex drop in quick succession.

Stacy falls at 75 minutes, and she's hobbling around like James Caan in "Misery." Boo slips and catches himself, slips and catches himself ... boom! He's done. Yau-Man wins Immunity!



Back at camp, Mookie can't get over the Cassandra hate, but he encourages the Horse Boys to vote for Earl because he might have an HII and Mookie wants to boot him before he can use it. Mookie's boot order is Earl, Yau-Man, Boo. Wait a minute -- I thought Cassandra was the one he hated?

Dreamz wants to know if Alex is *sure* Stacy is with them. Alex says he is. But Stacy tells Yau-Man no one's telling her anything, and she's not sure who she's voting for.



In a very deft move, Yau-Man gently tells her to vote for anyone but Earl, and if she can bring herself to do it, to vote for Alex. She doesn't get the inference, so Yau-Man explains she won't be the only vote for Alex. She agrees to vote for the head Horse Boy if it will save her butt.

But then Alex pulls the "I saved your butt" card with Stacy, and tells her to vote for Earl. Stacy acts all distracted, and claims she's hot and tired. In confessional, Stacy says she wants to vote with the majority, and that she doesn't owe Alex anything.

Alex tells Edgardo that Stacy is in, but Ed realizes the "hot and tired" bit means she ain't. Edgardo says their only move is to have Mookie give Alex the HII, he’ll play it, and then Earl will leave.

Mookie complains that this game is too complicated, and that it's too early to use the HII. Mookie is an idjit. But in the end he tries to be all "Bourne Identity" slick when he passes the HII to Alex. Coulda just wrapped the turtle in a T-shirt and handed it over.

Dreamz ... f'ing Dreamz, who can't keep his f'ing mouth shut runs to tell Earl that Alex has the HII now.

Earl, Yau-Man, Cassandra, Boo, Dreamz, and Stacy agree to target Mookie instead.

Edgardo tells Alex they should go after Cassandra, 'cause she's a chick, ya know? He, Alex and Mookie, who's still seething with Cassandra hate, agree to target her instead.

After Dreamz leaves The Syndicate gathering, Stacy says that he can't be trusted. Gee, ya think??? She suggests targeting Edgardo, who is not Alex or Mookie. She also suggests NOT telling Dreamz.

Stacy might be smarter than anyone is giving her credit for being.

Dreamz tells Alex that no one thinks that Alex has the HII, and Alex congratulates himself on being the smartest one of all. He's so busy congratulating himself, he doesn't notice that Dreamz's lips are moving, which means he's lying. Alex blows.

At this point, the tides have shifted so many times I'll be surprised if Boo doesn't vote for himself.

At Tribal, Dreamz mugs like an idiot and talks about how chaotic the day was. Edgardo says he doesn't know who has majority anymore.

Yau-Man loves on his Immunity necklace and says it's the first time he's come to Tribal with normal blood pressure, and that's a good thing for an old guy.

Mookie ... Mookie's confused. And he hates Cassandra.

When asked about the HII, Yau-Man foreshadows the ass-kicking to come by saying that if an alliance suspects someone has an HII, they should target his or her allies. Alex uses too many words to say the *same damn thing.*

Dreamz says this vote will separate the snakes from the rats. Sue Hawk charges him twenty bucks for using her catchphrase.

Time to vote! Cassandra votes for Edgardo. Dreamz votes for Mookie.

What in the name of pie? I've been struck blind!!! CBS -- do not, I repeat DO NOT show anymore shots of the jury from the rear. I did not need to know how low Lisi's low-riders went. That's just nasty!

Grinning like a kid that just stole the new Pokemon game from Gamestop, Alex hands over the HII. Earl smiles. Probst says that no votes for Alex will count.

Too bad there aren't any!!! Cassandra. Cassandra. Cassandra. Mookie. Edgardo.

Alex goes from poo-eating grin to "oh shit, we're screwed!" The look on his face is so beautiful I wish I had it on a t-shirt.

Rocky grins from the jury. Earl smiles.

Edgardo. (Alex wonders where it all went wrong.) Edgardo. (Yau-Man beams.) Edgardo. (Edgardo looks at Dreamz for help, but Dreamz doesn't know what's going on either.) Edgardo. (Mookie's gonna cry.)

Edgardo gives Alex a tender goodbye. Thankfully, he does not slip him any tongue. Probst snuffs the Horse Boy's torch and says the HII will be rehidden and new clues will be provided. We get to do it all over again!

Edgardo wishes everyone the best, except for Cassandra, because he doesn't like her. Because she's a chick. Whatever.



Next week: Dreamz? You got some 'splaining to do!! And Mookie and Alex try a little crime.

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Lost: Catch 22

I don't know what to think about this one. It had it's moments, but I hope the story isn't becoming mired in another wayward plot.

But no Others were present except Juliet. And that's cool, because they've gotten way, way too much screentime this season.


Desmond, Charlie, Jin and Hurley walk through the Jungle in the rain, while Charlie and Hurley argue about who's faster, Superman or Flash.

(Seriously -- we don't even need to have this discussion. Everyone knows that a post-Crisis Flash would stomp Supes if both of them had to remain on the ground. End of story.)

Charlie's still raving about his love of Superman when he steps on a wire. One "WTH?" later, and he's perforated through the neck with an arrow. Dang, that looks like it hurt!

Desmond says he's sorry, and Charlie dies.



Desmond sees flashes of Hurley picking up a cable buried in the sand, then something blinking in the sky, then the picture of him and Penny. He sees Jin and Charlie holding a parachute, and someone's feet hanging. He hears Charlie talk about Superman. He sees Penny's face.

The flashes stop. Desmond is on the beach with a fishing pole. Charlie's alive. Des drops the pole like it's hot and goes running to find Hurley and ask him where the wire is.

Hurley asks if Desmond got into the bad mushrooms, or if this has to do with his juju. Yeah, it's juju -- and Desmond says someone's coming.



Flashback!

Desmond is reading the Bible in a small, bare room, when a monk enters with clothing for him.

The monk says that candidates for the monastery are tested with a vow of silence. Some for a week, some for a month, and some even longer. He never thought Desmond would last, but he did. The monk welcomes Desmond as one of his brothers.



Desmond and Hurley go see Jack and make some small talk. Desmond wants to borrow a first aid kit.

Jack offers to look at what's ailin' him, but Desmond says he's taped plenty of ankles and he can take care of it himself. Perplexed, Jack gives him the kit.

Hurley wants to know who's gonna get hurt. Desmond says its just a precaution. Riiight, Juju Boy.

Hurley says that if he's going to take Desmond to the wire, he wants to know why. Desmond fesses up that he saw flashes of a sequence of events. Hurley taking him to the wire was the first one. If he tells Hurley what comes next, it will change it, and the event won't happen.

Hurley thinks that's what they're trying to do -- prevent something bad. "Not this time," Desmond muses, as he sees himself kissing Penny.



Sawyer goes to Kate's tent, looking for a little sugar. In a shot for Lost fanboys everywhere, we get to see Kate's black thong panties as she pulls up her jeans.

Sawyer asks Kate if she told Jack about the two of them, be he's more interested in her tits than the answer. Kate says she didn't, but that he knows anyway -- he saw them in the Others cameras.

Since the cat's out of the bag, Sawyer suggests Kate give him a little afternoon delight. She shoves him out of the tent.

"What?" Sawyer says. "You need me to make you a mix tape?"

BEST LINE EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Desmond tells Hurley that Jin has to go along on their little trip, but he doesn't know how to convince him.

Hurley tells Desmond to "watch the master," and strolls over to Jin. A few seconds later, we hear Jin say "camping?" You know, sleep under the stars, have a campfire -- all the stuff the Lostaways do anyway? But Jin agrees -- the camping trip is a go.

Desmond goes to talk to Charlie, who's suspicious -- is this related to the Visions of Doom? Des says someone's coming, but Charlie doesn't believe that either. Charlie's still pissed about being told he's gonna die, but when Des tells him he won't (with another flash of the hobbit getting an arrow in the neck) and that he can bring his guitar, Charlie agrees to go.

Charlie, Desmond, Jin, and Hurley walk along the beach whistling the theme to "Bridge on the River Kwai." Did anyone get an arrow in the neck in that that movie?

Hurley and Jin uncover the wire that runs into the Jungle, and Hurley points out that the last time he followed it, he almost got kabobbed by one of Rousseau's death traps. Desmond says they'll camp for the night.



Flashback!

Desmond and the monk are putting wine bottles into crates, and the monk jokes that Desmond's allowed to talk now.

Desmond asks about the name the monastery uses for its wine -- Moriah. It's the site where Abraham was asked to kill Isaac. Not the greatest analogy to sell some tasty vino.

The monk says that God spared Isaac, and that it was a test, and that maybe Desmond underestimates the value of sacrifice.

Another monk comes in with a guy, and explains that guy arrived at the monastery and said it was urgent that he speak to Desmond.

Guy punches Desmond in the nose, apologizes to the monks and leaves. Desmond bleeds and apologizes to the monks too.



Kate's munching on some oatmeal in the Lostaway's "kitchen" when Jack arrives and starts making himself some food.

Kate bats her eyes, flips her hair and makes small talk about how strange it is to be back on the beach. And OMG, the Queen of the Universe *knows* Jack saw her and Sawyer having hot zoo sex and is trying to pick him up anyway? With oatmeal?

Jack asks to borrow her spoon, and she *licks it* before she gives it to him. Shameless hussy! He says good night and leaves Kate, and her tongue, in the kitchen.

Kate hears giggling and sees Jack and Juliet getting cozy in Juliet's shelter ... with Kate's spoon, even!

Kate stomps into Sawyer's shelter, knocks him down and starts yanking off his pants. He asks if she's crying. She tells him to shut up and do her, already.



Hurley, Jin and Charlie sit around a campfire. Charlie plays his guitar, and Jin tells ghost stories, in Korean, with a flashlight stuck under his chin. Hurley toasts Dharma-brand marshmallows.

Away from the rest, Desmond mopes over his picture of Penny.

Charlie brings Desmond some dinner and asks about the girl in the picture, and how Desmond could leave a bird like that behind.

"Because I'm a coward," Desmond says. "I tried to run away and she tracked me down. 'With enough money and determination, you can find anyone,' she said. Now I see it through different eyes, thinking that she actually meant it, that she never gave up. That maybe she spent the last three years looking for me."

They head the whup-whup-whup of a helicopter, and everyone stops. "Rescue?" Jin asks.
Then the helicopter starts making strange noises, like its going down, and then they hear a splash.

Hurley says they have to go find the crash. Jin sees a blinking light in the sky -- just like the one in Desmond's flash. It's a beacon, like someone ejected from the crash.

Charlie's having none of this nonsense -- Hurley argues they've got to find whoever ejected, because Desmond said someone was coming. Desmond agrees they've got to find her.

Charlie refuses to go into the Jungle at night because of Rousseau's traps. Really, he's one scared hobbit. Desmond argues some more, but then agrees to leave at first light.



Flashback!

Desmond knocks on a door that is opened by the guy who socked him in the nose. Guy tells him to buzz off.

A woman tells guy to let Desmond be, and Des calls her Ruth and says hello.

Inside, they sip tea and make small talk about Desmond being a monk. What Ruth wants to know is why Desmond dumped her a week before their wedding.

He says he had a calling. She says the closest he ever had to a religious experience in the six years they were a couple was when the Celtics won the cup.

Desmond explains that he was scared about the wedding, so he got drunk. He asked God if he was doing the right thing, and that's the last thing he remembers. When he woke up in the street, a monk was standing over him, and said "Can I help you, brother?"

Desmond says that's when he knew he was supposed to leave everything he cared about behind and sacrifice himself to a greater calling.

"Well it's a good thing a bloody shepherd didn't help you or you'd be out with the sheep," Ruth says. "The next time you want to break up with someone, Des, don't join a monastery. Just tell the girl you're too bloody scared."



Juliet hammers something, and she and talk make small talk about how her daddy taught her how to hammer, and Jack's daddy taught him how to drink.

Sawyer walks over. "Hope I'm not interrupting. You two arguing over who's your favorite Other?" Pie I love Sawyer.

Sawyer challenges Jack to ping-pong, joking that if the Lostaways don't play every 108 minutes, the Island will explode.

Sawyer's winning when he asks Jack if it's weird to be back. Jack says Kate said the same thing last night. Sawyer asks if he had dinner with Kate, but Jack says he was with Juliet.

Sawyer wins the game, and Jack asks for the best two out of three.



Desmond, Charlie, Jin and Hurley trudge through the Jungle. Charlie asks for the next flash, and Desmond says there isn't one -- they find the beacon.

Charlie accuses him of lying, and Desmond says that if saving Charlie's life three times won't earn Charlie's trust, nothing will. And Charlie is being a suspicious little shit, even if he's Doomed to Die.

Hurley sits and says he's gotta rest or he's going to have a coronary.

Charlie finds a hula doll, and realizes that it's not Rousseau's, because there's not a giant rock flying at his head. Desmond looks up, sees a black backpack stuck in a tree, and uses Hurley as a stepladder to reach it.

He dumps it out, and they find a copy of Catch 22 in Portuguese and a satellite phone that doesn't work. Desmond opens the book, and finds a copy of the photo of him and Penny.



Sawyer gives Kate a tape -- the best of Phil Collins -- and tells her its her mix tape.

He asks if Kate jumped him last night because she saw Jack cozing up to Juliet. She denies it, and Sawyer tells her "You ain't got to use me, Freckles. All you got to do is ask."

Charlie asks Desmond if he thinks it's Penny who bailed out of the helicopter. He says he'd hoped so, and now he knows so.

Charlie wants to know why he didn't tell them, and Desmond says he couldn't change anything or it wouldn't happen. Charlie wants to know why they'd want to change anything that could lead to Desmond finding his girl and them getting rescued. Desmond agrees reluctantly and it starts to rain.



Flashback!

Desmond is singing and getting drunk on the monastery's wine when the monk finds him.

The monk is hecka pissed -- each bottle is sells for more than 100 pounds, and the monastery has only bottled 108 cases this year.

Desmond jokes that its a good thing the monks have taken a vow of poverty then, but the monk says they've also taken a vow of charity. Monk says that Desmond's not cut out for the monastery.

Desmond offers to take the penance, but the monk says it's gone beyond that -- he's fired. Desmond argues he has a calling, but the monk says God has bigger plans for him, and that he's spent so much time running away that he doesn't realize what he's running toward.

Desmond asks what he's supposed to do now, and the monk says "whatever comes next."



In the rain, the four continue their trek. "Who's Penny?" Jin asks.

"She's a chick Desmond used to date," Hurley says. "He thinks she fell from the sky. So now we're going to go save her life and she's going to get us rescued."

Jin and Hurley stop. Hurley says, "Dude, even if I spoke Korean it wouldn't make any sense."

Less talking and more rescuing! Desmond tells them. Hurley says he's not the Flash.

Charlie and Hurley start bickering about the Flash and Superman ... just like in Desmond's flash. Duh ... duh ... DUH!!!!

Desmond sees the arrow and follows the wire to where Charlie stepped.

"What the hell?" Charlie says.

"Charlie, duck," Desmond says and tackles Charlie. The arrow misses him.

Later, Jin and Desmond argue about where the beacon fell, and they split up to look for it -- Charlie and Des and Jin with Hurley.

Charlie asks Desmond if he knew about the arrow the whole time, and Desmond admits he did.

Charlie asks why Desmond wanted him to come, and he says because Charlie was in the flashes.

Charlie's hecka pissed that Desmond was going to sacrifice him to get Penny back. Desmond says he was supposed to let Charlie die, and he didn't. And he wants to know what good saving Charlie over and over has done. Maybe it's a test, and Desmond has failed.

Jin yells and they run to see a person in parachute gear dangling from a tree. Hurley yells, but the person doesn't respond. Desmond whispers to Penny that he's sorry.



Flashback!

Desmond gives his robe back to the monk, who has a picture of the woman from the jewelry store in his office. Very curious ...

The monk asks Desmond to stick around for a bit and help Brother Martin take some wine into town.

Later, Desmond loads cases of wine into a van while Martin thanks a woman for her family's generous donation to the monastery. It's Penny. Desmond stares at her.



Desmond remembers his first encounter with Penny as he tries to help the parachuter. He climbs up the tree.

"You better drive safe, Miss, this vineyard only makes a limited number of these cases a year."

Desmond pulls a machete from his waistband.

"Is that so?" Penny says.

"Aye. It's because the monks are lazy."

Penny laughs, and Desmond tells her he's an ex-monk -- he got sacked.

Desmond cuts the parachute down.

Penny thinks it's good that he got sacked, because then he can go with her to Carlisle. It's it sacreligious to hit on an ex-monk?

Charlie, Hurley, and Jin hold the parachute and Desmond cuts the ropes and the woman drops into it.

Penny gives Desmond her hand, and a romance begins.

The woman moans. Desmond jumps down. "Get away from her!" He goes to her. "I'm here. I'm here, Penny."

He takes off her helmet. It's not Penny.

"Desmond?" the woman says.

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Songs You Should Know: All Saints- Never Ever

Okay, so I'm making a work related call and there's no answer and I have to leave a message. The out going message starts and it's a young woman's voice and instead of the usual spiel I get this instead:

A few questions that I need to know which is followed by an obvious casio keyboard chord in the background. Still I had to leave a message so i couldn't hang up. It went on...
how you could ever hurt me so
I need to know what I've done wrong
and how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?

Seriously, the girl was speaking this while playing the chords herself and I'm thinking "Oh man, I know this song!" So know I'm racking my brain trying to figure this one out and its just on the tip of my tongue...

Not only will your answers keep me sane
but I'll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind
all the answers to my questions
I have to find Beep!
All Saints Mofo!!! So I leave my message and I was left with two questions?

1) WTF? Was she trying to get a boyfriend back and decided to apologize through song? Did she not think that people weren't going to hear this? Was she just one of those quirky girls who like to throw up covers of themselves singing British POP hits? Suckas gots ta know!

2) Why the hell did I know this song? Thinking back I guess I thought they were cute and all and they were better than the Spice Girls. I think what triggered it was they way they say "Black Hole" which seems fit for a late Don Imus discourse or something. So yeah, y'all know what came next. I punched myself in the face. Anyway here's the full song All Saints "Never Ever"

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American Idol: Top Seven: Country Week

Mixing it up a little this week with the results show recap first.

Whole lot of filler this week for an hour show. So much filler we even get an unadvertised Fergie performance.

It's weird they would take one of the hottest pop artists and just throw them on without any fanfare. I can expect that treatment with Akon because he sucks, but I think people would actually tune in to see Fergie if only just to see if if she'll piss in her pants on live TV. I had no clue what the song was but she actually sang and showed us those vocal chops she developed on Kid's Incorporated K-I-D-S YEAH!

When we finally get to results time 6 of the 7 are split up into groups of 3. One group is Sanjaya, Lakisha, and Blake. The other group is Jordin, Chris, and Phil. Odd girl out Melinda is safe and she gets to play the George Huff game or as I like to call it "which group of your friends sucked last night?"

In an very smooth move Melinda refuses to pick the suckas and has a sit in as protest. Up yours Seacrest! It turns out the Jordin, Chris, and Phil group is safe!

The judges are pretty much shocked that Blake is in the bottom three while Simon's is grinning like he just had a cup of shit soup. He says he senses something tonight.

Blake is let of the hook early and it's down to Lakisha and Sanjaya. Then something totally unexpected happens. Lakisha is safe Sanjaya is going home!

He starts to cry...seriously the guy who had to have known he was playing with house money cries when he gets the boot. Anyway he changes a lyric in the song from "how about love" to "how about hair" Shoo, seriously, go now. Your tour of car dealership appearances and failing to be hip commercials awaits which is far more than you deserve. Good looking out there SOCIETY. HATE!

Anyway here's his butchered performance from last night


along with last night's recap...

Aight suckas, we start this week's edition of American Idol: Season Sanjaya with a very tasteful acknowledgment of the Virginia Tech tragedy. Hopefully the show will keep the balance between reverence and escapism.

This week's legend is country music singer Martina McBride...someone I know nothing about, except she's probably got a huge tour and album and her record company paid alot of money for her to get this gig. Like some of the other legends she really harps on the Idols connecting with their lyrics and work on their storytelling, which is still the main weakness of most of the performers on this show.

Still it's country and I'm not all too excited. The contestants can't be too psyched about it either since only one of the remaining contestants has gone country by choice this season, which was Phil when he bugged out to a Leanne Rimes song early in the competition. Maybe Tobacco Road could count as having a Country je n'ai sais quoit as well.

What do ya know? Phil's leading off the show this week. he and Martina are both Kansans or something. He's singing Keith Urban's "Where the Blacktop Ends" which reminds Phil of "rolling around in the dirt and living like a country boy". Whatev. Martina says pretty much that he's dull until he lets it go at the end and that he needs more energy. Still it's another legend who loves his voice.

Okay Phil, that fucking black shirt is not country. I mean you don't have to wear shit kickers and a fake cowboy hat because dressed like that you're more likely to be singing about where the Galleria ends. He keeps his non expressive creepy look about him for almost the whole song too. It's a shame really because he really sounds great and his voice really emotes. Perfect radio performance because all the visuals drag it down for me.

Randy is convinced that Phil could have a career in country music. Paula said it sounds good all the way through. Simon agrees and thought everything clicked and we saw some personality.

Jordin Sparks is up next and she's got the chutzpah to sing one of Martina McBride's hits "Broken Wing". Jordin blows her away and gets a "That was awesome" from Martina. She does give some advice though and tells Jordin that she should just plant her feet down and sing. Let's see if she heeds that advice.

Oh man that dress it so low cut I thought the top half was flesh toned or something. Girl you're only 17! Put some clothes on yo! Jordin has reached the "nothing bad to say" status as far as her singing goes. She's pretty great actually. She also listens to her legends, even thought she was fidgety I don't think her feet actually moved an inch when the song started. Good stuff there.

Randy loved her pacing and thought it was the bomb. Paula compliments her looks without following it with criticism. Simon admits that he can actually believe that she could win American Idol. Depending on how Melinda performs tonight, Jordin could be the one to beat.

Sanjaya time! Martina breaks the news that Sanjaya is singing "Let's Give Them Something to Talk About". Sanjaya rationalizes it because he gives people something to talk about. Martina thinks Sanjaya should project more. Sanjaya just want to do Bonnie Rait justice...like the kind they dole out in Singapore I'll bet.

Wow. He's got a bandanna that poofs his hair up and a distressed jacket and jeans. Just wow. At least he's trying to dress the part...of a fluffer in a biker porn movie. This may be the shittiest of all of Sanjaya's American Idol shit storms. He pretty much talks through half the song and just sounds painfully bad. It's beyond "irony laced" bad, it's just bad. There really isn;t any entertainment value out left in this act.

Randy calls it karaoke and that it was bland boring and not very good. Paula says he loves adversity and that he's a lovable guy, but doesn't actually say anything negative. Simon is at at the end of his rope and it's showing this week. He calls it horrendous and compares it to the bad audition clips you see at the beginning of the season. Ryan tries to play protector and Simon smacks him down and it's pretty funny actually calling him "big mouth".

Lakisha "Ignorer of Legends" will be singing "Jesus Takes the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood. Bad move there. The song was taylor made for Carrie Underwood and Lakisha's style can't possible fit. It's like putting a diva peg into a mediocre singing pretty face hole. Lakisha brings up the single mom thing again. He singing makes her get the sniffles.

Lakisha comes out and looks pretty good with the brown dress and gold boots. Normally I could just cruise through her performance and say it was usual Lakisha, but this week she was terrible. She kinda loses it and falls back on her big voice when this song really isn't meant to be sung with a big voice. It just sounds like horrible shouting.

Randy said it had pitch problems. Paula actually says that it sounded like she was shouting. Now not that I disagreed, but Paula will actually criticize one of the the more talented singers in the competition, while Sanjaya can come on stage serve up a turd sandwich and she won't say boo. Stupid Paula. SImon says it's like a hamburger for breakfast and the song wasn't right for her. He also lets her know that she's slipping and needs to be careful with song choice.

Chris is up nezt and he's going to be singing "Mayberry" by Rascal Flats, which is one of those cliched country songs where they romanticize about the simple life of long days gone by even though there are MANY towns whose quality of life matches what they are singing about they choose not to live there.

He pretty much sucks air through out the song and sings the song through his nostrils . When called out about it by Simon, he reminds Simon that "Nasally" is a a style of singing. Seriously dude STFU. then he gives a shout out to Virginia Tech and Simon seeming rolls his eyes. Hrm...

Okay tired time...

Melinda. Awesome. She's the only one who truly commits to the country genre tonight and it works. Best of the night.

Blake is the antithesis of that concept he says screw this and turns a Tim McGraw song into a Robbie Williams song faster than you can say "Hugh Grant needs a theme somg for his next movie"

Chris should go on principle. Nasally is a style of singing...so is "shitty".

Tags: American Idol

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Survivor: Are We Gonna Live on Exile Island?

Sigh. And I'd had such hopes for my favorites ...

With Dreamz out doing some actual work at Ravu, Mookie, Alex and Edgardo have time to have a circle jerk about how cool they are.

They gloat over the Hidden Immunity Idol some more, assuring one another they'll use it together, when really, it's in Mookie's pocket and Mookie's looking out for Mookie.

And, knowing that Dreamz is prone to sudden fits of pure honesty and a tendency to shout out things that should be kept quiet, they agree to keep him out of the HII loop.

When Dreamz gets back with pineapples, Alex spouts off into a long, annoying "pep talk" about how they're the Four Horsemen (Could you have found a more cliched name? I don't think so.) and how they're so tight and how they each had to give up someone to get there -- Alex and Edgardo gave up Lisi, and Mookie gave up Rocky.

I guess Dreamz gave up his dignity. I wonder how he likes playing servant to the cool kids.

Every time Alex opens his mouth he annoys me more. He's a sexist, smarmy bastard, and being pretentious and overbearing isn't helping much.

New rule: Alex is no longer allowed to speak.



Both tribes get Tree Mail directing them to paddle immediately to Exile Island. They are to bring nothing but their personal items and canteens. All rewards and camp gear must stay behind. Something's up.

Moto interprets "immediately" as "cook all the food and stuff our faces." Boo and Stacy are not happy at the prospect of losing Camp Cushy. Suck it, kiddies -- you'd think you weren't on a game called "Survivor."

We get the standard "ooh, what if it's a merge" comments. Chill -- you knew it was that time.

I swear if Alex uses the term "horsemen" one more time, I'm gonna reach into the TV and choke him. Didn't he get the memo about the new rule? No talking!

The Horses' Asses decide that they are going to split up and try to recruit others into the alliance -- Dreamz is supposed to work on Cassandra, Mookie on Michelle and Alex and Ed on Stacy. The Four Horsemen Ladies Auxilary and Book Club?

Everyone meets and greets on Exile Island, and they hug and pretend they like one another. There's speculation that they're going to live on EI, and that would be an awesome twist!

Someone gets the bright idea that there's a steak dinner hidden on EI -- right behind the sea snakes. So they all search, ultimately climbing the little tower and finding a box of purple buffs. It's a merge, people!



The new tribe will be living on Moto's beach. Mookie rejoices at finally getting to see Camp Hilton. Cassandra talks about how scared she was about losing the bed, the couch, and the Ikea catalog.

OK ... if they're really going to keep all that stuff, it's going to suck -- for the viewers. 'Cause that ain't Survivor. Go forth and Survive!

The happy, happy campers paddle back to Moto. Alex gloat that after *seven whole days* of hell, he's gonna get potatoes and a toothbrush, and frozen yogurt, and a hot tub, and a pony and ... He even thinks he's gonna get a turn at the bed tonight, but he'll probably share it with Edgardo, and that's a very special episode of Survivor I don't wanna see.

So the skip into Camp Couch, holding hands and singing ... hey -- where's the couch? Where's the china? Where's the bed? Where's the shower? Where's the freakin' pony???

The producers have stripped Moto *bare.* There's a pot, a couple machetes, and some fishing gear. That's it. Survive, beatches!!! I laugh hysterically.

There is much sadness. Alex is sad. Mookie is sad. Earl ... eh, he's cool. He started out at Camp Crappy, so this ain't that bad!



The sad campers pick a new name for the tribe, Bula Bula, which apparently means "Hello Hello" in Fijian. I wonder what "No Couch" is in Fijian?

Michelle the spy and Stacy get some alone time when they paint the new tribe flag. Michelle's worried that Stacy's too close to some of the ... cough ... Horsemen, but Stacy sidesteps and says that they're girls, so the guys won't see them as a threat. And the misongny just keeps on rollin'!

Earl says there's a "tribe within a tribe," and it's him, Yau-Man, Michelle and Cassandra. Alex says ... ah hell, I don't care what Alex says. Boo says he had a good position in the old Moto and the new Moto, and he's going to hang back until he can assume a "leadership" position again. WTH? When has Boo ever been a leader?

Mookie chats with Dreamz, Cassandra and Yau-Man, and for some unknown reason claims that he and Dreamz were best buds back on Ravu. Wasn't Mookie supposed to be talking to Michelle? Dang, the Horse Boys are confusing.

Cassandra and Yau-Man say that Stacy and Boo are on the block. Mookie has a confession where he talks about how great everything is going, if it all stays according to plan. Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Yau-Man has started the search for the second HII. I hope he starts feeling people up like he did to Sylvia.

Alex and Stacy talk about how tight their bond is. Hey -- she ain't no Horse Boy! He brags in confessional about how with all the smoke and mirrors the Horse Boys are gonna walk away with the game. Sigh. If that happens, I'm gonna shoot my TV like Elvis.

It seems odd to be trying to keep everyone off-balance. Off-balance people are nervous, scared people, and nervous and scared people send your ass to Loser Lodge. But I guess Alex knows best -- he's a guy, after all.



Alex, Mookie and Dreamz discuss getting rid of Boo, then Stacy. And all of a sudden, Mookie taps Dreamz on the shoulder and says "oh, we found the HII on Ravu." OMGWTFBBQ? What happened to NOT TELLING DREAMZ??

Alex freaks, and he's doing the finger-pointing bit as he tells Dreamz he can't tell anyone, especially Cassandra. Dreamz, understandably, is hecka pissed he wasn't told and that Alex is now treating him like a little kid, and says he's not sure he can trust these guys.

So much for the Four Horse Boys.

Alex, Edgardo and Mookie go for a romantic boat ride. Ed, understandably, is cranky that Dreamz was told about the HII, and goes into a long, complicated explaination about how only two or three people are supposed to know about the HII. He may have said some other stuff, but I got bored halfway through. He insists to Mookie and Alex that if Dreamz knows, then Cassandra knows and Earl knows. Why? Because all three of them are black?

How is it that this season has become more offensive than the "race war" ever was?

Alex insists they can make it all better by recruiting Stacy and getting rid of Boo. In confessional, Mookie says he realizes that if Alex dubs Stacy a Horse Boy, then he and Dreamz are on the outs.



Cassandra assures Earl she's with him and Yau-Man, and thinks she can get Dreamz, too.

Dreamz and Mookie discuss the Stacy situation. Dreamz says he's looking forward to voting Stacy out, because she was a bitch to him when he was at Moto. Somehow, it all comes back to the French press.

Challenge time!

Hiya Jeff! I was beginning to think you got the episode off!

Probst passes out stones that split Bula Bula into two groups, green and orange. Please let this be a Thailand "Merge? What merge?" situation.

Not quite. The two groups -- Alex, Mookie, Dreamz, Stacy and Michelle are green; Yau-Man, Earl, Cassandra, Edgardo and Boo are orange -- will compete on a puzzle course. The losing group goes to Tribal. The others get steak, veggies and wine. It's a tribal shake-up without being a tribal shake-up. Kinda like a lemon shake-up without the lemon.

Yum, lemon shake-ups. I am so ready for it to be fair season again.

It also gives the each side the chance to nullify a bunch of votes from the other side, because the green team is dominated by Horse Boys and the orange team is dominated by Earl's crew. Therefore the *losers* who go to Tribal will get a big advantage in the overall game. Someone's getting screwed.



The challenge is a bitch, too. Shown a large Fijian mask, teams are to memorize the symbols and their arrangement on the mask. Teams will then paddle down a river to three stations to retrieve three bundles of puzzle pieces. Once they have retrieved all three bundles, they'll paddle to the finish where two tribe members from each team will then use those pieces to construct six of the symbols from their Fijian mask. The first team to place the symbols in the correct order on their team mask wins Immunity.

Orange jumps to an early lead, because Yau-Man is better at getting the bags of puzzle pieces off the curly wire with a big fork than Stacy is. Dreamz can't do it either, so Alex shoves them out of the way, but Yau-Man has orange's second bag before green gets its first.

Green falls further and further behind, making up a little time when Michelle and Alex start on the puzzle. But ... yeah, this wasn't much of a contest. Orange for the win!



The note Jeff has for the losers says immediate Tribal, no strategizing. Duh-Duh-DUH!!!

The orange team enjoys their feast -- but is it a good idea to let Boo cook? Boo's hecka happy, though, because he knows he dodged a bullet. Earl's worried about Michelle. Edgardo is worried about Alex, but in a creepy way, as he whines about "not getting to say goodbye."

At Tribal ... ouch, Lisi looks rough! Hey Lisi -- 1987 called, and it wants its fashion back!

Jeff asks about the merge at Camp Couchless. Alex still misses the couch. Mookie says that without time to confer and strategize, it's almost like you've got to think for yourself, and heaven forbid anyone do that!

Jeff asks Dreamz for a reason to vote out Stacy. "It ain't me," Dreamz says, which I gotta admit is a good answer! Michelle says she hasn't had a chance to feel out Dreamz's alliances yet. Mookie says Michelle may have switched alliances since he was with her at Ravu. Michelle says Alex is a threat in challenges.

So much for not getting to strategize, because then Jeff asks Alex about every other person there, and Alex pretty much gets to stand up and scream "VOTE FOR MICHELLE!"

I'm not saying Survivor is fair, but this ain't cricket -- either they should get to confer, or they should vote without talking. Alex, that prick, just got an advantage that he shouldn't have gotten.

Jeff asks Dreamz if he thinks people are signaling to one another, and Dreamz is like "duh!" And if Dreamz gets it, it's pretty damn obvious.

I can still have hope, though, because Mookie and Dreamz were all anti-Stacy, right? Nope, I don't get hope. Michelle, my sweet, adorable, smart Michelle, gets the boot through no fault of her own. You suck, Probst!

Paj, find her and console her. She needs you.



Next week: The Mookie-Dreamz lovefest is over.

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