Survivor: So You Think You Can Meke?

There are episodes of Survivor that are practically perfect. Funny, snarky, twisty and wild -- a few moments in this episode may rank right up there with Jonny Fairplay killing off his grandma!

Daylight in Camp Crappy, and Alex and Edgardo are on a super-secret hunt for the Hidden Immunity Idol. Waitaminute -- what's Mookie doing there? Who invited him to this shindig?

The three of them dig like hyperactive beagles mere inches from where Dreamz and Lisi are snoring. I start giggling. Mookie digs and digs and ... he's got a little turtle for his very own! Meh. Let's find a way to give it to Yau-Man.

The Young Dudes shush one another, hurriedly cover the big ass hole in the center of their camp, and sneak away for a private party.

They agree to use the HII together -- oh yeah, of course, together -- but not to tell Lisi or Dreamz that they have it. Dreamz is too connected to Cassandra, and Lisi ... hell, she's Lisi. In confessional, though, Mookie says that the HII is in his pocket, and that means it's not group property.

Lisi, you're an idiot. You had the clues, you had the power, and you just gave it away to Alex and Edgardo. Alex and Edgardo, you're idiots too. Why in the name of pie do you bring a third person into this, and have the HII end up in *his* pocket? Have none of you seen this show before???

Back at camp, Mookie tries to make the big ass hole look a little less like a big ass hole. Lisi *finally* wakes up, sees Mookie, and is too dumb to realize that he's filling a hole, not digging one. She asks him if he's looking for the HII, and he lies and says he is.

In confessional, Lisi rolls her eyes (quit doing that before I slap them out of your head!) and congratulates herself on having outwitted Mookie. "You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool an old cat like me," Lisi crows with that gawd awful cackle of hers. I laugh so hard I almost fall off the couch.

Lisi goes back to the same damn hole and starts digging. Mookie is smart enough to volunteer he already looked there, but he helps her dig. I can't believe I just used "Mookie" and "smart" in the same sentence.

Man I wish the Young Dudes would have made a fake HII for Lisi to find, but only Yau-Man is that awesome.

Tree mail at Moto, and it comes with real live Fijians! The tribes have a couple of hours to learn the Meke, a traditional dance, and then they'll have a dance-off judged by Vince Rydell. Michelle is so danged cute when she beckons the Fijians to follow her back to camp. I think her grandmother was a muppet.

Yau-Man opts to sit this challenge out, because he's got all the rhythm of a middle-aged computer engineer. I'm kinda disappointed -- I bet he would have been all elbows and knees hysterical.

Earl says he's "flexing his Michael Jackson moves," which must mean crotch grabs and being inappropriate with children. Boo ... yeah, Boo dances like a white guy. I think he's doing the Achy Breaky Heart.

At Ravu, Alex points out that strength and agility aren't going to be an advantage, which is good, because they've got strength and agility and they keep losing anyway. He says he's tired of losing to "an old man an a bunch of girls." And Boo. And Earl. And STFU, you annoying, sexist asshat!

Ravu practices, and they suck, and Lisi's "who gives a shit" attitude is getting on Dreamz's nerves. He's apparently the only person who's noticed that Lisi really blows at challenges, and says if Ravu loses again, she should pack her bags.

Speaking of challenges, Lisi proves (again) just how much she sucks by laughing at the entire challenge concept. She says she doesn't take them seriously and doesn't think anyone else should either. The entire game is based around challenges. Win them, keep your numbers, vote other people off. That's the game. Why are you on my TV if you don't want to play the game??

Damn I hate Survivor quitters.



The tribes arrive at an authentic Fijian village, filled with authentic Fijians. They'll dance for a panel of judges who will rate them based on appearance, enthusiasm and authenticity -- as authentic as a bunch of crazy Americans gussied up in face paint and leaves can be. The winners get an authentic Fijian feast with seafood, chicken, etc.

Moto takes the dirt first, with Earl in the lead looking very serious and warrior-like. They do a solid job, even Boo -- they really took this challenge seriously. They even manage to get a "nicely done" out of Probst.

Ravu ... I don't know what Ravu's doing, but it ain't the Meke. Lisi has all the grace of a pregnant buffalo. Alex isn't lifting his feet. Dreamz does a backflip at the end, which I'm betting isn't an authentic Fijian backflip. All of them are off-beat. They're awful.

The only thing that disappoints me is Rocky isn't here for this challenge. His gay meter would have rocketed so high his head would have exploded like that guy in Scanners.

No surprise here -- Moto wins the feast. They choose to send Lisi to Exile Island so she won't have more time to look for the HII. I giggle some more.



Moto gets the traditional Survivor "time with the locals." They chow down on seafood, pork, chicken and fruit, and all of them get their time to say how wonderful it is to bond and really experience Fiji (now with more authenticity!) Stacy gets the sympathetic edit, and is shown dancing with a child. Boo likes the big lobsters. Everyone's happy and has full tummies.



Lisi cries in the rain on EI. Dang, this is almost as much fun as watching Candice cry on EI! Cry some more, you dumb wench! "Ravu just can't seem to win even the simplest challenges," whines Lisi, who seems to have forgotten that she's a member of Ravu too. "It sucks that I'm here."

Awww, poor baby. Cry some more for me. I know you can. Listen to your crappy music -- that would make anyone cry!

Lisi says she wants to quit, but she doesn't want to let Alex and Edgardo down.

The next morning, Michelle and Earl are up first, and have a stroll and talk strategy. These meetings are a regular thing, it seems, and Michelle is Earl's eyes and ears in the camp. They agree to target Stacy first, because she's more likely to flip back to Alex and Edgardo at the merge.

Michelle's got her own reason for wanting Stacy gone -- they fill the same role in the tribe, and Michelle doesn't want the competition. Under all the cuteness lurks a calculating mind. I like her even more.

At Ravu, Dreamz assures Edgardo that Cassandra will vote his way -- he's talking about her like she's a frikkin' pet! Shut up Dreamz! But instead of assuring Edgardo, it makes him worry that Dreamz will backflip at first opportuntity, and says he's going to keep an eye on him.

The clue for the Immunity Challenge is an arrow -- archery. Edgardo brags to Alex that he's an expert archer, and that he's been flying under the radar. Now it's Edgardo time.



Immunity Challenge time!

Each team will take shots at a target with three weapons -- a blow gun, a spear and a bow and arrow. The person closest to the target wins points for their team -- one for the blow gun, two for the spear and three for the bow. Most points wins Immunity.



This is not as much fun as dancing. The teams trade marks with the blow gun, with Boo winning the point for Moto.

No one hits the target with the spear, until Yau-Man comes up, takes a running start and actually throws the danged thing like a spear and not a javelin, almost striking the bullseye. Alex misses the target completely, and Moto wins the round.



Bow time -- time for Edgardo to glow like the sun. Uhh, no. He doesn't even know how to hold the bow -- I've seen kids at the Ren Faire with more skills. He misses the target like a chump. Yau-Man, showing a knack for primitive weapons of war, checks out the arrows until he finds the straightest one, shoots from a kneeling position, and wins the challenge for Moto.

Was it last week that Boo was talking smack about how weak Yau-Man was in challenges? Does he not realize that Yau-Man is twelve shades of fabulous?



Back at Ravu, Lisi's pissy again. "I'm done with the losers," she vents. "Can I just say loser! These guys can't pull it together." She even breaks down an "L" on her forehead and "LOOO-HOOO-ZUH-HER!" Ace Ventura style.

Way to keep it current, Lisi. Now give me back my N'Sync cd and my jelly bracelets before I miss the start of Melrose Place!

And while we're speaking of losers, Lisi, may I point out that Lisi stands for Loser? Because what have *you* done to help? Did you perform well in any challenge? Help motivate the tribe? Can you at least refer to your tribe as YOUR tribe, and not a grouping of random guys with Queen Tighty Whitey standing alone?

Maybe part of the reason that Ravu sucks so much is because YOU SUCK SO MUCH.

Lisi tells Alex and Edgardo she wants to quit, and to vote her out. She says there was no reason for "them" to lose today, like she wasn't even at the challenge, and that if "you guys" lose again she’ll be sent back to Exile and she doesn’t want go. Awww, lets all cry Lisi a river.

Alex is pissed that she wants to quit, because he's losing a future vote. But Dreamz is so happy he's gonna do the Meke. "She's just lying there like she's a sad puppy, so it's time for her to go. I don't know how the rest of the boys feel about it but I'm so happy at Tribal Council I might not be even paying attention, Jeff'll be talking and I'll just get up and start taking votes myself."

I can't help it -- I'm starting to like Dreamz a little. Please -- somebody stop me!

Right before Tribal, Lisi must have more drama, so she changes her f'ing mind and tells Alex and Edgardo she wants to stay. WTH? She says she and Alex and Edgardo are the tightest group in the game (so tight they didn't tell her about finding the HII) and urges them to vote off Dreamz instead.

At Tribal, Rocky comes in as the first member of the jury, and he still looks hecka pissed.

Jeff questions Ravu about why they suck. Lisi starts babbling about cohesiveness and how she's run the gamut in the game, from sitting on her ass at Moto to riding coattails at Ravu, with a couple stops at EI along the way. That's not playing the game, that's watching it be played.

Stop! Dreamz time!

Dreamz jumps Lisi's shit about being a slacker and not trying in challenges. Lisi shoots back that she's seen him quit in challenges, which he denies, and then she drops it because she doesn't have an f'ing point.

"I think she wants to go home," Dreamz says. "They call me the genie in the bottle because I grant wishes."

I can't help it -- that was funny.

Lisi babbles some more about wavering desires and how sometimes she feels doomed. She's really giving the entire female population a bad name.

Dreamz counters that his will to win hasn't diminished, and that she's the one who's a loser. Lisi whines that there are times when "you're just not up to it." Will someone pass her the Prozac and shut her the hell up!

Dreamz pretty much takes over Tribal at this point, and Jeff lets him. He asks everyone if they want to be there, and all the guys say yes. Lisi stammers like an idiot. Dreamz demands a straight answer, not "a shralinga, or a shaliqua, or whatever," he says. "A soliloquy?" Jeff suggests. I can't stop giggling.

Man -- way to throw her own shit back in her face! Lisi whines that they should give her a chance. Dreamz demands to vote. And the vote is ...

Suck it, Lisi -- you're ass is gone. Please be kind enough to STFU.

In her final statement, she changes her damn mind *again*, and claims she wanted to go. "When the ship is sinking you get off the ship. Another thing: Ravu, you guys are never gonna get it together. You guys are losers, over and over and over again. There's nothing I can say other than try to hold on to yourselves because together you're nothing."

Gee, I bet she's a blast to hang out with.



Next week: Merge?