Lost: Expose

You know all the cool stuff we've been seeing for the past few weeks about Kidney Stealing Daddy and the Queen of the Universe and Patchy and the submarine and Othersville and Locke blowing shit up?

Yeah, we're not going to talk about any of that this week.

Instead, we get an episode about stupid Nikki and f'ing Paulo. Let me repeat that -- stupid Nikki and f'ing Paulo!

There's gotta be something else I can do -- books to read, knitting to be knitted, paint to watch dry ...

Sigh. The blogging must go on. Because that's how much I love you -- I'm watching an hour of stupid Nikki and f'ing Paulo!



Nikki runs quick like a bunny through the jungle, then drops to her knees and starts digging. Maybe she's looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol. She runs out of the jungle near Sawyer, who's getting his butt whooped again in ping-pong by Hurley.

Hurley asks if she's OK, and she whispers something and passes out.

Flashback!

Nikki's pole dancing in a sparkly silver bikini, and apparently they only taught her one move, because she does the swing around the pole thing three times in a row. Maybe she should have checked out the Stripper Workout before filming this scene.

She stops dancing, and follows a guy with a briefcase into an office. Hey! That Lando Calrissian! You're looking a little paunchy, Lando -- maybe you should lay off the Colt 45.

Lando opens the briefcase, and its full of money. "No," Nikki says, "That's for the orphanage!" Oh no! Lando must be The Cobra!

Nikki shouts "Razzle Dazzle!" (no, I'm not making that up) and goes stripper-fu, kicking a gun out of the hand of a random goon.

Lando smiles, says it was just business, baby, and then shoots her three times. Go Lando!

Two more strippers run in, and Lando explains to them that Nikki was working for The Cobra. Aww, and she seemed like such a nice girl!

"And cut," someone says and snaps a clap board that says Expose. Lando helps the not-dead Nikki off the floor.

The director says that's a series wrap for Nikki, and the crew gives a cheer. As the director walks her off the set, he says that he can arrange for her character to come back next season.

Nikki laughs, and asks how he's going to do that. He says she could have been wearing a bulletproof vest. She opens her coat to reveal the sparkly bikini, and he amends that to bulletproof breast.

OK -- that would be awesome. I so want to see CSI use the bulletproof breast plot twist!

Nikki turns him down, saying that she's a guest star and everyone knows what happens to guest stars.

The director asks if she's going to return to L.A. now that her gig is over. She says no, because she loves him. He loves her too, and gives her a big smooch.



On the Island, Sawyer tells Hurley to go get help. Sorry, the doctor's in another plotline, please try again later.

Hurley checks Nikki out, and Sawyer tells him to get moving. Sorry dude -- Nikki's dead.

"Who the hell is Nikki?" Sawyer asks.

OK, how do you tell the story no one cares about when the lead character drops dead before the first commercial? Copious amounts of flashbacks!!

84 Days Ago ...

Nikki and director dude have breakfast at his palatial home, and Nikki's raving about how good the food is. So DD introduces her to his new cook, the "Wolfgang Puck of Brazil." Whatya know -- it's Paulo!

Paulo goes back into the kitchen and DD mentions that Paulo heard he was hiring and came to his office every day until he got the job. Then he offers Nikki a roll. She's going low-carb, but he insists, and in the breadbasket she finds a diamond bracelet.

DD apologizes that it's not a ring, and says something about his wife. Then he makes a face and falls over dead.

Nikki yells for Paulo, who runs in and checks out DD. Yep -- he's dead.

Nikki opens DD's shirt and rips a key off a chain around his neck, grousing that Paulo should have found a way to poison him that didn't involve her eating the same food. She goes to a safe in a closet and uses the key to open it.

Paulo asks her if anyone knows about this stuff, and she says no. He goes to light a cigarette, but she slaps it out of his hand, saying that the ashes could be evidence. So why is she leaving fingerprints everywhere?

Nikki pulls a Russian nesting doll out of the safe, and opens it. The littlest doll is full of diamonds. Razzle-freaking-dazzle.



Sun, Jin, Charlie, Hurley, Sawyer and Desmond check out Dead Nikki. No gunshot or knife wounds, no polar bear bites ... they don't know how she died.

Sun suggests it was something Nikki ate, and Charlie jumps to "she was poisoned!" Sun says they should check out the food supply.

Charlie notices Nikki has dirt under her fingernails, and asks Sawyer and Hurley what happened.

Sawyer says she said something like "plywood." No, Hurley says, it was "power lines." Sawyer wants to know why they're playing Dead Chick Telephone.

Hurley thinks, and decides she said "Paolo lies."

"Who the hell's Paulo?" Sawyer asks.

"Paulo's her husband, or, or boyfriend, or whatever," Hurley says. "They lived down the beach." Not even the other characters knew who this pair was -- that's some good characterization!

"Where well the hell is he?" Sawyer asks. "Because if he lies that might be a good start."

80 Days Ago ...

Paolo sits in an airport lounge and reads a newspaper article about Howard L. Zukerman, TV director found dead of heart failure.

Nikki and Paolo laugh and smooch. Nikki wants to know why he's chewing gum.

It's nicotine gum, Paolo explains. He loves her so much, he's going to give up the cancer sticks for her. They toast to their fabulous diamond-fueled life together.

Hey! It's Boone and Shannon, and Shannon's bitching about not being able to find a seat, not having a first-class ticket, yadda, yadda. You know, I really don't need any fond flashbacks of what a wench Shannon was.

Boone asks Paolo if they can use the empty chair at his table, but Shannon drags him away, bitching that he shouldn't flirt with random guys. Nikki asks Paolo to promise that they'll never end up like them.



Later that day, the plane has wrecked and Shannon is screaming. Huh -- they must be greenscreening Nikki and Paolo into scenes in an attempt to make the viewers give a damn about them.

Jin looks for Sun. Nikki looks for Paulo. Jack helps Claire. Boone tries to revive Rose. The noise from the plane and people screaming is loud and there is chaos. Locke yells for someone to get away from the engine, but the man is sucked into the engine and it blows up.

Nikki sees legs and yells for Paulo and turns the man over. It's Dr. Arzt -- are we going to see everyone who's dead on this show?

She walks away and Boone grabs her and asks if she has a pen.

She sees Paulo and goes to him. He's looking out over the ocean. "Are you okay?" she asks. She makes him look at her and asks where the bag is. He seems confused.



Paolo's lying on the jungle floor, looking none too healthy.

Sawyer, Jin and Hurley stumble in, arguing about who know how to track. Paolo's dead like Nikki, and there are no obvious wounds. Hurley wants to know why Paolo's pants are undone, and why his shoe is in a tree. Uhh, dead people kink?

Sawyer checks out the jungle, but says he doesn't see anything.

Jin opens Paolo's pack, finds a water bottle, and opens it. Sawyer slaps it out of his hand and dumps the water out. Never drink a dead guy's water. Hurley protests that Sawyer's messing up the crime scene.

"Crime scene?" Sawyer says. "There a forensics hatch I don't know about?"

Jin says the monster did it.



75 Days Ago ...

Nikki and Paolo bicker about the Monster on the Island. Paolo thinks it's a dinosaur. Nikki thinks he should stop screwing around and look for the bag with the diamonds.

Ethan wanders by, introduces himself, and offers to help them find some clothes that fit. Nikki smiles and says what they're really missing is Paolo's nicotine gum. Ethan suggests they look inland for the bag -- since the plane broke up over the Island, some stuff might have fallen in the jungle.

Arzt runs by. "Boone! Boone took the water!"

There is a lot of chaos and yelling. "Someone had to take responsibility for it," Boone says.

Jack stands up and makes his big deal "live together or die alone" speech. Hey! This is a crappy clip show!



Hurley agrees with Jin -- it's the Monster. He even brings up Eko's last words -- "you're next." Nikki and Paolo were in the group when Eko died. They carry the bodies to the expanding beach cemetery.

Sawyer suggests they need to find out about these ... he starts to give them a nickname, and then stops. Hurley tells him to show some respect and use their names.

"Whatever, Hugo," he says. "Where's their tent?"



57 Days Ago ...

Nikki, wearing an itty-bitty but not sparkly bikini, approaches Arzt, and asks if he's a scientist. He says yes, and starts a study of her boobs.

She giggle and asks about all his bugs and stuff. Arzt says he's discovered twenty new species since they crashed -- he's going to be the next Charles Darwin.

In a "this is going to be important later" exposition, Arzt tells Nikki about the female Medusa spider, whose pheromones are strong enough that her presence will draw every male in the area.

Nikki smiles some more and gets to her point. She looking for her lost bag, and thinks it might have fallen inland. Could he figure out the trajectory of a diamond-laden script bag? Arzt smiles and offers to draw her a map.

Later, Nikki and Paolo trudge through the jungle, while Paolo bitches about following directions from a junior high science teacher. Hey -- at least it's not a magic stick!

Nikki accuses him of being jealous. Paolo counters with the classic "yeah, well you banged Director Dude!"

Nikki says she did that for the two of them and walks away. Paolo catches up and apologizes, but says he doesn't trust Arzt.

Nikki spies the Eko's heroin plane high in the trees. She suggests Paolo climb up and check it out -- maybe there's a radio. Paolo ain't playing that -- that thing could kill somebody! (Yeah, ask Boone.)

Paulo walks over something hard and Nikki says, "What is that?"

They discover that it's doors leading into the ground and open them to find a big tunnel with ladders leading down. That's the door to the Pearl, if I'm not mistaken.

"Let's check it out," Paulo says.

"Whoa," she says. "So, our carry-on bag fell from the sky, opened a manhole, crawled inside, and closed the doors behind itself? You don't want to climb up to a plane, but now you want to climb down a ladder into a dark tunnel. I don't think so." She slams the door.

Sawyer digs through Nikki and Paolo's stuff, while Hurley warns him to be careful. Sawyer points out that it's not like they're gonna be mad -- they're dead.

Charlie says Sun checked the food and that no one else is sick. He thinks it might be a virus. Jin's sticking to the Monster theory.

They find Arzt's bug collection, and a script from Nikki's show, which Hurley says was like Baywatch, only better.

"No way," Hurley says while looking at the script, "Mr. LaShade was The Cobra?"

"Is that supposed to mean something?" Charlie says.

"Dude, The Cobra's this big bad guy. He's been shrouded in mystery for four seasons." Gee, does that mean the Lost crew is actually going to answer a question in Season Four?

Sawyer finds a working walkie-talkie in a suitcase, and says that all of the Others carried radios just like it. So were Nikki and Paolo Others?



48 Days Ago ...

Kate and Shannon argue about the guns the marshal was carrying, and why the A-Team had them hidden. Nikki greenscreens by, and asks what's going on, and gets filled in for anyone who hasn't been watching the show for the last three years.

Arzt gets pissed and stalks off, shouting about walking pigs. Two points for the "Animal Farm" reference.

Later, Nikki and Paulo find the waterfall where Kate and Sawyer had found the gun case, and Nikki tells him to quit being a wuss and search the underwater bodies for her bag.

Paolo asks her if she didn't need him to find the bag, would they still be together? Nikki's all "whatever! Eight million dollars in diamonds!"

Paolo dives in, swims around some dead bodies strapped into airplane seats, and finds a bag. He yanks on it, and then heads to the surface and tells Nikki there's nothing there. She stalks off, and he dives again.

Hurley wants to know what Nikki and Paolo could have been doing for the Others, and Sawyer says he could have been like Michael. The crew checks out Dead Nikki and Paolo again.

Hurley wants to know why the Others killed Nikki and Paolo if they were working with them (how did we get to the Others killing them?) and Sawyer says they could be waiting to kill them too.

Hurley points out that the Others are on the other side of the Island, but Sun pipes up and reminds us all about her attempted kidnapping.

Sawyer pulls a gun and says he's going to sweep the perimeter. Since when is he on the cast of The Unit?

Hurley wants to know where he got the gun, and Sawyer says he took it when he escaped from the Others.



Random Flashback!

Paolo is on the beach, chewing nicotine gum and digging a hole. Locke wanders by and asks what's up, but Paolo lies and says he isn't burying a doll full of diamonds.

"Well, it looks like you're digging a hole," Locke says. "Every man is entitled to his secrets, Paolo, but can I give you a piece of advice? You should put the shovel away and save yourself some trouble. Things don't stay buried on this island. The beach is eroding. Winter is coming, high tide. Whatever you're hiding, make sure you pick a spot that won't wash away."

So why do the Lostaways keep burying bodies on or near the beach?

Later, Paolo climbs down the ladder into The Pearl. He sees all the monitors, then goes into the bathroom and hides the doll in the toilet tank.

Ben and Juliet enter, and turn on the monitors. They watch Jack in the Hatch, and talk about how to convince him to do the surgery. Ben says he's going to do what he always does -- find out what Jack is emotionally invested in and exploit it.

Juliet wants to know if they should kidnap Jack, Sawyer and Kate, but Ben says no -- they'll get Michael to bring the trio to them. Juliet says that The Pearl gives her the creeps, and they leave.

After they're gone, Paolo comes out of the bathroom and finds the walkie-talkie Ben left on the counter.



Hurley goes to Desmond and asks him to use his superpowers to find out what happened to Nikki and Paolo. Des says it doesn't work that way, and Hurley points out that his superpower sucks.

Desmond does know something, though -- he saw Nikki and Sawyer arguing this morning, right before she went into the jungle.

Vincent pulls the tarp off Dead Nikki and Paolo. Bad doggie!

Charlie tells Hurley that Sawyer and Nikki arguing doesn't prove anything. But Hurley wants to know why Sawyer's so gung-ho about finding out what happened, and why was he arguing with Nikki if he said he didn't know who she was?

Sun says that Sawyer's not a murderer, and that he went across the Island to help Michael. She still thinks it was the Others.

After Hurley leaves, Charlie admits to Sun that he was the one who tried to kidnap her, and that Sawyer talked Charlie into it so he could steal the guns. They just made it look like the Others.

Sun walks away, and Charlie says he's sorry.

Nine Days Ago ...

Locke, Sayid and Desmond look for volunteers to search for The Pearl, and Nikki volunteers to go. Paolo quickly joins her.

In The Pearl, Nikki asks about the monitors, while Paolo runs into the potty and retrieves the diamonds. He shoves the jewels down his pants and puts the doll back into the toilet tank. Then he flushes, and walks out, saying that the toilet still works.



Sawyer walks over to the graves, and Hurley demands the gun. Sawyer shows him it isn't loaded, but Hurley's pissy and wants to know why Sawyer was arguing with Nikki.

Sawyer says he didn't kill Nikki and Paolo, but that he and Nikki did fight earlier. Nikki wanted a gun, and Sawyer wouldn't give her one. He didn't say anything before, because Nikki had dirt under her fingernails. If you're dying and you stop to dig a hole, what you're burying must be pretty good.

Hurley, may I point out that Sawyer was with you this morning? When exactly did he have time to kill two people?

Sun wants to know what it was, and Sawyer pulls out the diamonds -- he went back into the jungle and found them. Sawyer tells Sun to keep the diamonds -- because whatever happened, he didn't have anything to do with it.



12 Hours Ago ...

Nikki and Paolo sit on the beach, and talk about how they missed Thanksgiving. Paolo says they will get rescued, and everything will turn out like it should. And hey -- isn't it OK that we never found those diamonds, because we're happy together?

Paolo gets up to get some food, and Nikki finds the nicotine gum in the sand. She goes to Sawyer and demands a gun.

He refuses, saying that the A-Team took all the guns and ammo to Othersville. And even if he had one, he wouldn't give it to her because she looks hecka pissed. He tells her to stick her head in the ocean and cool off, and as she stomps away, he asks who the hell she is. She tells him "Thanks for nothing!"

Sawyer squats next to Dead Nikki and says, "Thanks for nothing." He closes her eyes and then continues to dig the graves.

Sun walks up and tells Sawyer she knows he was behind her kidnapping. He has the good grace to look ashamed, and asks if she's going to tell Jin.

She says if she did, they'd be digging another grave. Oh yeah, Jin would go all sorts of gangsta on Sawyer.

Sun gives Sawyer the diamonds, saying that they're worthless on the Island. The she slaps him and walks away.

Later, the group stands around the graves and Hurley gives the eulogy for two people that nobody cared about.

"Nikki and Paulo, I guess we didn't really know you too well. It appears that you killed each other for diamonds, but I know there were good parts to you too. You were really nice to me. And you were members of the camp. And I really loved Expose. Okay then, goodbye." Hurley shovels a mound of dirt.

Sawyer dumps the diamonds into the grave.

Eight Hours Ago ...

Nikki takes Paolo into the jungle, saying she's got a surprise. She stops, and says she found the diamonds.

Paolo looks dumb, and Nikki demands that he give them to her.

Nikki pulls out the gum, and says Paolo stopped looking for the bag because he found it. And she wants her damn diamonds! Then she throws a spider on him.

The spider bites him, and Nikki gloats that it's Arzt's friend the Medusa spider. It's called the Medusa spider because if it bites you, it won't kill you, but you'll be paralyzed for about eight hours. Even a doctor will have a hard time telling whether or not you're dead.

Hey didn't I see this lame-ass plot in a 1940s movie?

Paolo falls to the ground, and Nikki says she's going to have time to find the diamonds and do nasty things to him.

Paolo says he's sorry, but she says he's only sorry because he got caught.

"I was afraid of losing you. If you found the diamonds, you wouldn't need me anymore." You can hear the Monster crashing about in the background.

Nikki searches his shoes and his pants, finding the diamonds. Paolo sees more Medusa spiders approaching, drawn by the phermones of the female, but he can't warn her. Nikki is bitten.

She runs through the jungle, digs a hole, puts the diamonds in it, then runs to the beach. She sees Sawyer and Hurley, then hits the ground. Hurley asked what happened and she says, "Paralyzed."

The crew starts to fill the graves. Nikki opens her eyes, and is covered by shovelfuls of dirt.



Sigh. I shoulda watched a Hitchcock movie instead.