Survivor: It's a Turtle?

There are Tribal Councils, and then there are TRIBAL COUNCILS.

I thought Billy confessing his love affair with Candunce was the best Tribal ever. I may have been wrong.

Half of Bula Bula comes back to camp after the last vote without my beloved Michelle. Buncha haters.

Dreamz justifies his vote by saying that when Michelle said she didn't know him very well, he decided he didn't know her either and voted for her. What happened to his glee at the prospect of showing Stacy the door?

Mookie ... Mookie's hecka pissed. He says the vote's done and he's gotta deal, but you can tell this isn't the end of it.

The next morning, head Horse Boy Alex comes up with a brilliant idea make sure the final four is "sealed in blood." Ewwww! His plan? They gotta rotate holding the Hidden Immunity Idol, like kids sharing a kitten. You just know someone's gonna drop that kitten down a well. He wants Mookie to give it up, and each of them get to hold it for a day.

OK, not only is this childish and stupid, it only matters who's got the HII on days when there's a vote. It tells Mookie that Alex has the power in the alliance and that he doesn't trust Mookie, and that the Horse Boys just aren't that tight.

Mookie rages to Dreamz that his vote for Michelle instead of Stacy has screwed them both over, but I don't think Dreamz cares. Actually, I don't even think Dreamz was listening -- he was looking at a bird or something.

Earl's bummmed at losing Michelle, who was a key part of his alliance, but he's recovered enough to listen to Boo's proposal of an alliance. Boo's trying to save his butt -- Earl needs another vote. It could work. Earl starts plotting to chop off the head Horse Boy's head.




Reward challenge time! Oh, and I love, love, love this challenge -- it's guaranteed to stir up trouble.

The Survivors will answer a questionaire about their tribemates, and then Jeff will ask them who got the most votes in each question. Get it right -- you get to smash a tile belonging to a teammate. Lose three tiles, and you're out. This is a great way to reveal alliances and what people are thinking.

The winner will get a night on a luxury yacht, complete with food, bed and a shower; they also will send someone to Exile Island.

First question: Who would you trust with your life? Earl is the choice, and it's a pretty good one -- I might have gone with Yau-Man for his box-opening skills. Alex votes Dreamz -- wth? You won't trust Dreamz with the HII, but you'll trust him with your life??

Cassandra, Boo and Yau-Man smash Stacy's tiles, and she's out. That sends a clear signal -- you ain't one of us.

Who are you least likely to invite to a family dinner? It's Boo, and he seems hurt. People probably think he's gonna stab Grandma with a fork or something. To add insult to injury, Cassandra, Dreamz and Mookie pulverize Boo's tiles, and he's out.

Who feels the most entitlement? Alex!

Who would you most want to be stranded on a desert island with? Yau-Man! He's twenty-four shades of awesome! Everyone gets this question right but Alex, who probably wanted to vote for himself. Alex and Earl get knocked out of the game.

Who do you not want to see after the game is over? Ouch -- it's Stacy. That's gotta sting. Mookie's out of the game.

Who smells the worst? It's Dreamz, dude -- take a bath! Earl abashedly raises his hand too. Here's a tip -- if you think you stink, keep your arms down!

Who mistakenly thinks they are in control of the game? Alex again! The shit-eating grin slips a bit.

Who has surprised you with their athleticism? Yau-Man, the sumo-wrestling, spear-chucking king of Fiji.

Who has wasted this great opportunity? Stacy again, who got hit with everything but the stink bomb. Cassandra takes out Dreamz and wins the challenge.

Now we know what Cassandra's been doing all this time besides looking for a better bra -- she's been in a palm tree ninja style, taking notes on the rest of the competitors. Girl didn't miss a single question.



Cassandra sends Mookie to EI, and then is told she gets to choose three people to share her reward.

I thought Mookie was mad at Dreamz, but he's hecka pissed at Cassandra for sending him to EI. He throws a temper tantrum worthy of a three-year-old, vowing that she's made the worst mistake ever. "All I want to do is take out Cassandra and her alliance period." the baby Horse Boy rages. "I just have to get in touch with the Four Horsemen and it's done." What, are they the freaking Mafia now?

He also theorizes that Earl has the second HII because he spent so much time on EI, but mostly he just bitches about Cassandra.



Cassandra shows some real political skill in choosing who she's going to take on the yacht, picking two allies she wants to solidify -- Boo and Dreamz -- and a solid ally to help her convince them -- Yau-Man. This also leaves Earl back at camp to keep an eye on Alex and Edgardo. Nice move!

Food, booze, fireworks -- a fun time is had by all.

I crack up when Yau-Man describes their alliance as "The Syndicate." Yau-Man says he's not sure Dreamz is with them 100 percent, so he's taking the opportunity to "brainwash him." It's like he's an itty-bitty supervillain! Go Yau-Man!

When Yau-Man and Cassandra start talking about how Alex should go next, Dreamz gets all shifty-eyed and noncommittal. It's clear to Cassandra he's playing both sides, so she doesn't know how long he's gonna last.

Dreamz is *completely* incapable of bluffing. I wanna play poker with him -- he'll paste his cards to his forehead.

For his part, Dreamz says "It's like so much information going around that it's clogging my mind and I don't know what to do right now. I'm being tugged in every direction except my own."

That's all right Dreamz -- we know you're just gonna change your mind the next time you see something shiny, anyway.



The next day, Dreamz runs quick like a bunny to tell Alex that The Syndicate is gunning for him, although he does win a geek point for comparing Mookie to Gollum.

Earl interrupts their little love fest at the well, claiming he's looking for a pot. "There is a major part of me that wants to let Dreamz go," vents Earl. "His problem is he's trying to do a lot of strategy on his own and yes, it can be effective, but [only] if you don't tell people what you're doing."

Dreamz and Cassandra are talking later when Earl confronts him about fraternizing with the enemy. Dreamz and Earl talk loudly at each other for a few minutes -- Dreamz could have been ranting about fajitas for all I understood. But then he drops a bomb and reveals that Mookie's got an HII.

"It's a turtle?" Earl exclaims, like he's never seen one before. I laugh -- two points for acting!

Yau-Man's nervous that Mookie's got an HII -- and it's even worse that Alex and Edgardo know about it too.



The chaos is cut off by the Immunity Challenge. The survivors will use their arms to brace themselves between two walls, while their feet are positioned on very narrow footholds. Every 30 minutes they will step down to an even smaller foothold. When they reach the third and final foothold they will stay there as long as they can. When someone falls off, they're out. The main rule: no hips, no back, and no butts. Arms and feet only.

Michelle would have rocked this challenge.

Cassandra drops after 10 minutes. Mookie might be asleep. Twenty-two minutes, and Edgardo's trying to look cool and drumming on the walls. Boo cries "Meke!" which gets a chuckle out of me. I'm starting to like Boo. Then Edgardo just jumps down. WTH? Guess he thinks he doesn't need immunity.

Mookie slips and almost falls when they move to the second foothold. Earl does fall. At 41 minutes, Mookie's out, too.

Dreamz is struggling as soon as the move to the smallest foothold. He and Alex drop in quick succession.

Stacy falls at 75 minutes, and she's hobbling around like James Caan in "Misery." Boo slips and catches himself, slips and catches himself ... boom! He's done. Yau-Man wins Immunity!



Back at camp, Mookie can't get over the Cassandra hate, but he encourages the Horse Boys to vote for Earl because he might have an HII and Mookie wants to boot him before he can use it. Mookie's boot order is Earl, Yau-Man, Boo. Wait a minute -- I thought Cassandra was the one he hated?

Dreamz wants to know if Alex is *sure* Stacy is with them. Alex says he is. But Stacy tells Yau-Man no one's telling her anything, and she's not sure who she's voting for.



In a very deft move, Yau-Man gently tells her to vote for anyone but Earl, and if she can bring herself to do it, to vote for Alex. She doesn't get the inference, so Yau-Man explains she won't be the only vote for Alex. She agrees to vote for the head Horse Boy if it will save her butt.

But then Alex pulls the "I saved your butt" card with Stacy, and tells her to vote for Earl. Stacy acts all distracted, and claims she's hot and tired. In confessional, Stacy says she wants to vote with the majority, and that she doesn't owe Alex anything.

Alex tells Edgardo that Stacy is in, but Ed realizes the "hot and tired" bit means she ain't. Edgardo says their only move is to have Mookie give Alex the HII, he’ll play it, and then Earl will leave.

Mookie complains that this game is too complicated, and that it's too early to use the HII. Mookie is an idjit. But in the end he tries to be all "Bourne Identity" slick when he passes the HII to Alex. Coulda just wrapped the turtle in a T-shirt and handed it over.

Dreamz ... f'ing Dreamz, who can't keep his f'ing mouth shut runs to tell Earl that Alex has the HII now.

Earl, Yau-Man, Cassandra, Boo, Dreamz, and Stacy agree to target Mookie instead.

Edgardo tells Alex they should go after Cassandra, 'cause she's a chick, ya know? He, Alex and Mookie, who's still seething with Cassandra hate, agree to target her instead.

After Dreamz leaves The Syndicate gathering, Stacy says that he can't be trusted. Gee, ya think??? She suggests targeting Edgardo, who is not Alex or Mookie. She also suggests NOT telling Dreamz.

Stacy might be smarter than anyone is giving her credit for being.

Dreamz tells Alex that no one thinks that Alex has the HII, and Alex congratulates himself on being the smartest one of all. He's so busy congratulating himself, he doesn't notice that Dreamz's lips are moving, which means he's lying. Alex blows.

At this point, the tides have shifted so many times I'll be surprised if Boo doesn't vote for himself.

At Tribal, Dreamz mugs like an idiot and talks about how chaotic the day was. Edgardo says he doesn't know who has majority anymore.

Yau-Man loves on his Immunity necklace and says it's the first time he's come to Tribal with normal blood pressure, and that's a good thing for an old guy.

Mookie ... Mookie's confused. And he hates Cassandra.

When asked about the HII, Yau-Man foreshadows the ass-kicking to come by saying that if an alliance suspects someone has an HII, they should target his or her allies. Alex uses too many words to say the *same damn thing.*

Dreamz says this vote will separate the snakes from the rats. Sue Hawk charges him twenty bucks for using her catchphrase.

Time to vote! Cassandra votes for Edgardo. Dreamz votes for Mookie.

What in the name of pie? I've been struck blind!!! CBS -- do not, I repeat DO NOT show anymore shots of the jury from the rear. I did not need to know how low Lisi's low-riders went. That's just nasty!

Grinning like a kid that just stole the new Pokemon game from Gamestop, Alex hands over the HII. Earl smiles. Probst says that no votes for Alex will count.

Too bad there aren't any!!! Cassandra. Cassandra. Cassandra. Mookie. Edgardo.

Alex goes from poo-eating grin to "oh shit, we're screwed!" The look on his face is so beautiful I wish I had it on a t-shirt.

Rocky grins from the jury. Earl smiles.

Edgardo. (Alex wonders where it all went wrong.) Edgardo. (Yau-Man beams.) Edgardo. (Edgardo looks at Dreamz for help, but Dreamz doesn't know what's going on either.) Edgardo. (Mookie's gonna cry.)

Edgardo gives Alex a tender goodbye. Thankfully, he does not slip him any tongue. Probst snuffs the Horse Boy's torch and says the HII will be rehidden and new clues will be provided. We get to do it all over again!

Edgardo wishes everyone the best, except for Cassandra, because he doesn't like her. Because she's a chick. Whatever.



Next week: Dreamz? You got some 'splaining to do!! And Mookie and Alex try a little crime.