Bid on Suri Cruise's Bronzed Baby Poo

Okay, I have no idea what's real anymore, but e-bay has for auction an artist commisioned bronze cast of Suri Cruise's first solid turd. You can click on the auction in the title bar or click here Sure, Suri Cruise is normal...Man, I'd hate to see what bodily discharge Tom and Katie will auction off when Suri gets older. Who am I kidding? I can't WAIT!!!

Personally, I hope this starts a new trend. Bronzed poo bling. Imagine immortalizing the great poos from your personal history and wearing it around your neck or having it dangling from your boo's ears. I can't wait to be rollin up to my peeps in the club with platinum plated doody swangin from my neck.

TCM Crew: Yo, Paj that shizzle is the SHIZZLE!!!

Paj: Word! This is from last week when I hit the Indian buffet for lunch and White Castle after gettin' my drink on. I knew when it was coming out, that I GOTS ta be rockin' that poo!

TCM Crew: Shoot, it looked like you had some corn up in there too, Pizzle.

Maybe I'll auction off my poo here at TC and M. Winning bidder decides what I eat for that day. I won't have it bronzed or anything. I'll just poo in a bag and send it to you. Then you can do what ever the hell you want with it.

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Celebrity Duets - Sorry, I just can't do it.

Like I said earlier in the week, I'm really not sure if I can fully commit to a full run of Celebrity Duets. Still the Tuesday night Fox reality show time slot has been good to Tortilla Chips and Milk, so instead of diving in for the full recap treatment...let's test the waters a little.

Okay the concept here is celebrities who are not known for singing pair up with "music legends". Waitaminit, Chris Jericho actually is the lead singer for the Metal Band Fozzy, Queer Eye Jai and Alfonso Ribero have Broadway experience, Cheech often had to carry a tune in the Cheech and Chong days and sang the "hit" Born in East L.A., Lea Thompson sang with Howard the Duck, and Lucy Lawless once rocked the National Anthem so hard her boobies popped out of her dress. So more than half of these celebrities actually can carry a tune, what fun is that?

Our host is Wayne Brady, who is probably gonna belt out a tune before the season is over. Since this may be the only recap of the show I'll just get this out of the way now: "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?"

We of course HAVE to have our three judges. The first is Marie Osmond, who if you think about it is the bizzaro Randy Jackson. Our incoherent Paula Abdul is...Little Richard? Yes! Mashed potatos, gravy, and cranberry Sauce, wooooooooooooooooooo! Our "Simon" is David Foster, who did a wonderful guest turn on AI as an asshole, gets to be an asshole here.

We start out with Lucy Lawless, who really looks mmm mmm fine! Maybe I should start watching Battlestar Galactica? I was really hoping for a the Xena battlecry... I never get what I want. She starts singing "Time, Love, and Tenderness" and the trend of Paj not getting what he wants continues when Michael F'N Bolton comes out as her duet partner. Michael F'N Bolton... Okay that's it I'm done! Really i can't do this. Nothing to make fun of, people I hate taking up my time, No way!!! This is not how the TC and M rolls, yo! Yadidimean? Forget this show, Let's get Super Hyphy yo! Here's Keak Da Sneak. I'm out!


P.S. Yes this is TOTALLY because Chris Jericho got jobbed!

Tags: Reality TV, TV

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Songs You Should Know - Click to find out

Aight, I read today that the dude suspected of killing JonBenet Ramsey they flew over from Bangkok was released. Funny how they had that guy pegged as the killer before he even left the Bangkok airport. I read about the outrage because the killer was flying back first class and how dare he dine on prawns! There were articles about how this case could finally be closed since they had found the killer. He had to be the killer right? Shoot, the only thing they had on him was that he was creepy as fuck! Now I'm not going to make light of any type of murder. What I will shout out and rant about is how the media frenzy will snowball and convict mofo's before they even get to trial.

Now I experienced the media bullshit when I was up in Massachusetts in the late 80's. The Boston newsmedia had all but convicted some black dude for shooting a pregnant white woman and critically injuring her husband in what seemed to be a carjack while the couple was on their way back from birthing class. I can even remember People Magazine doing an article on the loving husband who had suffered so much from the loss. The media had jumped on this as THE story of rampant urban crime. The story stayed the hot topic for months. The suspect swore his innocence but it was drowned out by bullet points that were too easy to exploit: White couple, pregnant wife, black neighborhood, husband identified the black guy as the shooter, racially motivated shooting.

Then I heard it on the radio, the mother f'n husband jumped off the Tobin Bridge. I didn't even have to hear the rest...the husband was the killer. Later it was revealed that it was all for insurance money and that he had been cheating on his wife and the police were getting a little too suspicious. Still, he almost got away with murder and the trifilin' ass media made it all too easy for him. Since then I learned to stay away from the media rush to judgement. But hey, don't just take my word for it, hear the same story from the street poetry of renowned social critic...Marky Mark? Word, pLaya! And the Funky Bunch too, no doubt!

Tags: Songs You Should Know, Music

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PAJ watches the Emmys

Aight, so I actually spent the time to watch the Emmys and the E! Red Carpet special...the things I won't do for my Tortilla Chips and Milk readers. First of all I was shocked that they don't go live with the show the way that they do with the Oscars. So I get to watch the pre-show then wait three hours for the actual Awards show to start. That kinda bites! Anyway here's what I learned.

Fashion tips: Apparently, purple is the hot new color these days. Hmmm. You don't say...
Also it turns out that designers are now focusing on accentuating asses in their gown design. Word! It also gives E! an excuse to show all kinds of gratuitous butt-shots. I really am not a fan of the network, but they do know how to keep the males that watch this stuff happy.
I learned that I can actually watch Meredith from Grey's Anatomy without wanting to punch her in the face.Which kinda reminded me why I got sucked into the show to begin with, all the women are hot!

Pam from the Office was interviewed and good lord do they ugly her up for the show. I mean she's cute on the show, but in full award show glory she's absolutely radiant.
The stars of both the Office and Grey's Anatomy got tons of screen time. So being a fan of both shows it made all of this easier to swallow. Oh yeah, Leah Remini aka the TOMKAT liaison really is tired of being asked about Test Tube Suri, so knock it off America!

As for the show:

Even though I love Conan O'Brien, the Emmys were really just meh. Maybe it was the swag bags being taxed but it just seemed so listless. There were a whole lot of choppy moments as well. Maybe they edited the west coast replay, because there seemed to be all kinds of lost seconds. Still there were some cool moments.

Jeremy Piven's win for Best Supporting Actor in Comedy Series was cool, because I've been a long time fan of his...yes, even PCU. Plus, he said the word "fluffer" in his speech. I won't say the HIOB line, but in honor of his win I'll say "What's so funny about peace peace peace, death row what does a brother know? Peace peace peace kapow, wikki wikki, love and understanding"

I really liked the running joke of Bob Newhart being trapped in an air tight container with only three hours of oxygen. I forgot how great Bob Newhart was with the facial expressions.

Screw Howie Mandel and that dumbass show! How much time did that Deal or No Deal pimping take?

Um...I'm trying to avoid the fast track to Hell so I won't say anything about Dick Clark. I did say a quick prayer to the TV gods that the American Bandstand highlight clip would include the late Junkyard Dog singing "Grab them Cakes". Sigh, no luck.

My "holy sh*t!" moment of the night was definitely the original Charlie's Angels on stage together. I wonder though, how many "serious" actors were rolling their eyes during Aaron Spelling tribute.
My two favorite lines of the evening happen in the span of 3 minutes. Starting with Conan O'Brien's intro for Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert presenting Best Reality Show:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, our next two presenters have done for fake news, what the Fox News Channel has done for fake news"

This was followed by Jon Stewart arguing with Colbert:

"Awards show banter is not pablum"

Follow this with Colbert exclaiming "I lost to Barry Mannilow" and you have the best segment of the evening. Amazing Race won, but for the finale alone, American Idol got jobbed.

Maybe the lack of excitement stemmed from Elizabeth I and Girl in the Cafe winning a few awards and keeping the podium filled with unknowns for a good portion of the evening.

The Office wins best comedy show! I would have loved to have seen Arrested Development win as a final "up yours", but if this means more fans for the Office, I'm all for it.
Final Thoughts: Did I blink or did Grey's get shutout of the awards? Julia Louis-Dreyfus' line "I'm not someone who believes in curses, but curse this" was good stuff. So was the guy who won for writing who mentioned people he DIDN'T want to thank. I realize that even though I feel like I watch too much TV , I obviously don't watch enough to care all that much about the Emmys. Of course, that's probably all going to change in a few days.

Tags: TV

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The Ramble...

Okay, so after years of trying, they've finally done it. Pluto is no longer a planet!!! WTF? How does something that just sits out there minding it's own business all of a sudden lose "planet" status? I mean, I know Pluto is tiny, cold, and kinda distant, but it's not like Pluto shows up and ruins the Solar System parties by getting drunk and puking everywhere. I'm also pretty sure Pluto has never missed a planetary meeting ever since it became a planet. Did we get to vote on this? It was those other little orbiting bodies wasn't it? If Pluto stayed a planet we'd have to let those other orbiting bodies in...I'm sure Pluto would have said it was cool if we told them "No". He might have had a thing for Xena, but I don't think they were all a package deal. We should have at least run it by Pluto before we booted him. I mean, come on, that was really harsh, y'all! We usually save this kind of treatment for the planets that shit their pants! No longer a planet...are we going to retroactively strip all of the award-winning solar system dioramas of their titles now? You know what? Fuck them!!! I'm not gonna change my Schoolhouse Rock just because some scientists say so! Whenever I decide to belt out Interplanet Janet, Pluto, little Pluto will still be the farthest f'n planet from the f'n sun. Believe dat!!! "Yeah. and Uranus will still be built on a funny tilt!" Shutup, 12 year old PAJ! Nobody asked you!

According to BoxOfficeMojo, through Wednesday, Snakes on a Plane has made $19 million, Step Up has made $43 million...what the hell is wrong with you, SOCIETY??? It's facts like this that make me cry inside and yes, I still have only ONE friend who has seen these SOAMFP. Haters! All of you!!!

I just found out that Spike TV has been running the Three Stooges, the bad news is it's on at 9 AM on Saturdays. That's gonna be a stretch, but still it's nice they're still on the air...and they say TV is too violent now...just thinking about the Stooges makes me wanna take a wrench to some mofo's nose...and I mean that in a good way! I don't care what anyone says, the alternate third guy is an important part of Stooges history and should not be forgotten. Sure Curly is the shizzle, but Shemp and Joe, still matter, yo!

On the rare occasions that I'm chillin' in the mall, I'll admit to always stopping in Hot Topic to peep on the fly honeys with studded belts that work there. Still, MC Lars has a song on his Myspace called "Hot Topic is not Punk Rock" that you should check out.

Bootie has updated their top mashups list. They are available to download at www.bootieSF.com 50 Ways to Kill Your Lover (Slick Rick vs. Paul Simon) Short Skirt, London Bridge (Fergie Ferg vs. Cake) and Sweet Times of Mine (GNR vs Foo Fighters) are my favorites of the bunch, but they're all quality and worth a listen.

I'd like to officially welcome aboard Fyre, who will be handling the Survivor duties this fall. We'll have ERizzle's Nip/Tuck recaps starting quite soon as well. The TC and M team is loaded yo!

I'm still torn on whether I'm going to pick up the recaps on the Celebrity Duets show. My attitude will go south once Chris Jericho and Alfonso Ribero get eliminated. Seriously, Y2J is one of my favorite wrestlers of all time, and Alfonso Ribero taught me how to breakdance with his mail-order kit, the cautionary tales of his rumored broken neck kept me from doing the headspin, and he taught me how to properly dance to Tom Jones. If they get eliminated early, I'll turn on that show faster than you can say "Allison was robbed". Stupid SYTYCD!

Tags: pluto, Pop Culture News

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Getting racy

OK, so I investigated this Survivor crew some more. And some things just jump out at me.

1. Thirteen of 20 cast members are from California. Only one is from the Midwest. What, they don't have minorites in the flyover states? Or maybe the CBS casting crew just didn't want to travel.

2. There's a lot of entertainers in the bunch. This may be a side effect of the Cali Connection, but at least one, Jonathan Penner, has a rather sizable filmography. He was even on "Seinfeld." Do I smell stunt casting?

3. Once again, these are very pretty people. Looks like Billy the heavy metal guitarist will be our Rupert.

4. There's a jazz musician on the African-American team, a waiter on the Hispanic team, and in the sweet name of pie, there's a nail salon owner on the Asian team.

Did I mention something about exploitation?

I can imagine the first challenge now: The teams will solve calculus questions to get map coordinates. The map coordinates will lead them to a drive-by shooting. Then there will be a thrilling race to pick tomatoes the fastest, capped off by a fire-making contest -- first team to light their cross wins!

Survivors ready? Go!

Tags: Survivor, TV, Reality TV

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Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty - The Player

Aight, in the two week lull before the new Fall season starts I'm gonna be watching random shows to see what sticks. The first candidate is "Breaking Up" with Shannen Doherty, on the oh! network, which I can honestly say I've never seen. I will confess though, that I was a pretty big 90201 fan back in the day. A big enough fan to make the joke that this show was originally called "Addicted to Clothes"...um, yeah...you know the episode where Emily Valentine stepped to West Beverly all slutty and then sang "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" with Kelly, Brenda, and Donna in lieu of a Robert Palmer spoof "Addicted to Clothes"...um "I choose me?" "Am I precious to you?" "Look what they've done to her?" ...haters! Okay, the premise of the show is simple. Shannen Doherty breaks up with people because their partners for some reason can't. Now as someone who has been dumped by proxy, there is no better way to show off that scar than to revel in the humiliation of others who are dumped in that fashion...on the oh! no less.

Our first couple is Alana(sp?) and Tremell(sp?) and they've been friends for 10 years, dating for 4 and for the last year it's been an LA to ATL long distance relationship because of Alana's work. Well, the distance is getting to her and she wants to break up so they can start on the road back to being friends. Yes, because nothing says friendship better than having Brenda Walsh dump you on national television. Shoot, screw "friendship", nothing says "potential stabbing" better than having Brenda Walsh dump someone for you on national television.

We start out with Alana and Shannen together in a room. Alana gives the explaination that Tremell is a great guy and she loves him alot but her heart isn't there and there may be trust issues and she's ready to move on. Basically ,she's given an acceptable breakup speech right there, but she's too much of a chickenshit or a famewhore to say this to Tremell directly. Alana justifies her being on the show by saying this is an fun and exciting way to end it because she wants to stay friends. Wha? Aight, Shannen just dumped your ass for me on TV, let's go chill at the mall this weekend.

Anyways, they stage an interrogation with real detectives and Tremell has to witness Alana stand in a lineup. In a scene that's too dumb for me to go into detail, Alana gets arrested and taken to the back and Tremell is left to be questioned by one of the detectives while Alana is taken to the back room so she and Shannen can watch. Whatever.

So, the detective questions Tremell and he states that Alana is his girlfriend, but he "doesn't do criminals" so she may not be his girlfriend after this. Alana comments from the other room that he's nervous. Duh, he's being questioned by detectives about your trifilin' ass, of course he's nervous. The detective starts to question Tremell about his relationship. Tremell explains that it's long distance. The detective says that Alana stated that things haven't been the same lately. Seriously, would a detective really be all up in his kool-aid about his love life if there were a real crime involved? Tremell stumbles a bit and for no real reason blurts out "I got a girl out here too". Sweet!!!

On cue Alana and Shannen lose their shit in the other room. Tremell goes on to explain that Alana doesn't know about the other woman and that he's prefer to keep it between them.

Shannen's like "Oooh I can't wait to dump him!" All her bitchiness is pretty much ineffectual right now though don't ya think? We go back to the interrogation that is TC and M Hall of Fame worthy.

Detective: She's in Atlanta you're in L.A. why even keep a relationship with her?
Tremell: I'm a player.
Detective: Right because it's like a game.
Tremell: I'm using that terminoligy as a player, it probably is a game, but I'm winnin!

Alana says "not today". Yeah, keep believing that...

Temell: I probably wouldn't tell her that I have another girlfriend...
Detective: That makes you a liar
Tremell: It makes me a player.

Shannen is all nuh-uh "It doesn't make you a player, it makes you a liar". She's mounting the high horse folks. Hi-Ho Hypocrisy!

Tremell, goes on to explain that he LIVES with his LA girlfriend and in case you forgot he's a player! Alana looks to be shaken right now and Shannen asks if she's ever been to his place and she's like "No." BWAH!!! Sucker!!! I'll bet she didn't expect that she'd be made to look like a chumpette when she got up this morning. Seriously, dating for all that time and NEVER seen his place? How does someone get away with that for a whole year? Where the hell is my notepad?

Tremell starts to cement his place in the TC and M Hall of Fame by rambling out of nowhere "Girls are better liars than we are, they are more conniving than we are." The hissy level in the girls room just went to 11. Me? I'm grinning from ear to ear.

Shannen is ready to come out and "dump" Tremell. Tremell doesn't even seem like he knows who she is. She greets him with a "How ya doin, Player?" Tremell laughs it off with, "Player to the 3rd degree!" She tries to spin it to try to dole out some punishment, but really he's teflon right now. She's all ready to dump his ass and she's ready to play Alana's break up message. On the prerecorded message Alana's all "You're a great guy...blah blah blah I love you with all my heart..." basically filled with everything she WOULDN'T want to say in this situation now that she's found out he's got another girlfriend. Nice move Shannen. He's got so much over Alana right now and it's all thanks to you! He laughs everything off as he should. It's like Ghetto Christmas for him!

Shannon: Consider yourself dumped!
Tremell: Sweet!
Shannen: Do you have any regrets?
Tremell: Na, she's still gonna be my homegirl, we're from the same hood...
Shannen: She's your homegirl...but you're not going to tell her the truth?
Tremell: It's the Player Code! You can't rat yourself out
Shannen: But your live-in girlfriend...doesn't she think you're exclusive with her?
Tremell: Yeah, she does...but I'm a player!
Shannen: You're a player.
Tremell: I'm a player...you got to play the game to know how the rules are.

Oh god, I love this! Shannen can't even ratlle this guy one ioata on her FIRST SHOW!!! She's gradually losing her composure and digging deeper into the "morality" hole

Shannen: Some of us believe in being honest, some people believe in a code of conduct between human beings...
Tremell: That's Player Hatin'!
Shannen: Do you put this front on to prevent yourself getting hurt?
Temell: Aw Naw!
Shannen: So this is you? Really?
Tremell: Right!

Oh man, the code of conduct card! Does the code of conduct include dragging a washed up teen star to perform what shoud be a private and personal act and expose that act on national TV? Seriously, Tremell's defiance has called out this show's BULLSHIT and it's not even 10 minutes old. Love it!!!!

Alana comes out to confront Tremell and we have an awesome moment. Now, Alana is trying to play it right and gets her smokey, sexy voice on:

Alana: Well, well, well, now take a good look baby, 'cause this is the last time you're ever gonna see me.
Tremell: (laughing) Can you turn around?


Tremell is my hero! Sure, there are better players on Springer every day, but to throw a monkeywrench into this dumb chick show on this dumb chick channel? He's on the TC and M Mt. Rushmore. (Trust me, when I get better at photoshop that pic is coming)

Shanenn goes on to say blah blah blah that is probably the best girl you are ever going to catch. WTF? Alana was going to dump him on national television and she didn't even have the eggs to do it herself. She had to use Brenda Walsh and this dumb oh! network! How is she the "best" of anything? Puh-luh-f'n snake get off my d*ck-ease!!! Done with this show.


I miss Allison.

*having a problem with screenies and IE sorry bout that. Pretend I'm singing y'all "Still not a Player" by Big Pun to make up for it.

Tags: Shannen Doherty, Reality TV, TV

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Race War!

It's getting racial up in here on "Survivor."

Facing a dip in the ratings, the grandfather of the reality shows is adding some racial tension to its "Lord of the Flies Lite" premise.

On "Survivor: Cook Islands," the teams will be divided by race -- black, white, Asian and Hispanic. Producers call it a "bold social experiment."

So "desperate grab for attention" translates as "bold social experiment" in Hollywood speak these days?

Host Jeff Probst even told Entertainment Weekly that "it's not just 18 white people. Suddenly you have new slang, new rituals -- people doing things like making fire in ways that haven't been done on Survivor."

I guess that means the math nerds will use their thick glasses to start a fire while another team uses the bling method?

C'mon people -- didn't we figure out segregation wasn't a good idea about 40 years ago?

On the good side, at least there won't be the token African-American or Asian on their own little corner of the beach waiting to get booted. But the exploitation will be there. 'Cause that's what "Survivor" does.

It puts seemingly normal people into roles -- the crazy guy, the schemer, the hot chick -- and lets the drama play out.

On "Survivor: Exile Island" there were two African-American castaways, and one Asian. And what did we see about them?

Bobby's big moments were "I gotta drop a deuce" and drinking the last bottle of wine in the latrine. And Bruce? He did kung-fu and didn't drop a deuce.

Cirie was my girl, though -- I had to love anyone who was that bad at challenges who got as far as she did. Gave me hope.

But the "Survivor" crew should already know segregating teams is a bad idea. Boys vs. Girls has been done, and it's always a yawn. On Exile Island, the teams were divided into Old Guys vs. Old Women vs. Young Guys vs. Young Women. It lasted about two episodes.

Why? Because as amusing as it was to watch the old men act like Masters of the Universe because they could make two sticks smoke and the young guys stand around in the rain because they didn't have four brain cells to share between 'em, part of what makes "Survivor" interesting is watching people deal with other people who aren't just like them.

So "Survivor" has its gimmick and its getting some press. But don't expect it to last long -- they'll be switching up buffs before you know it.

Tags: Survivor, TV, Reality TV

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Songs You Should Know: Vans - The Pack

They were the shoes Spicoli wore in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Weird Al used to rock 'em too. When I finally moved to a town that actually had a Vans store I would walk by, do a double take, turn back in, enter the store and stand and stare, contemplating on whether or not I would drop the four hamiltons on a brand new pair of black and white checkered slip-on Vans. Before I could make a decision I would always get dragged out out of the store. Haters! Still just hearing this line all summer long on my commute made me smile.

"Got my Vans on but they look like sneakers."

See, I turned my back on Kicks like Air Force Ones and Jordans a long time ago. The shits too clunky for me. I will admit that I do have one pair of Grunge Dunks that were a Niketown special, but I only wear those when I gotta represent. I rock the Puma Clydes wit the fat laces 24/7 now, but back in the day I had a pair of Olive Green and Black Vans Lampin's that rank up there with the dopest pair of kicks I ever owned. So yeah, when a Yay Area crew is reppin' Vans I gotta put it on!



The LA Times has more on the Vans trend.

Better yet, if you're like me, you gotta have your own personal touch on just about everything. The Vans Store offers custom made Vans, for those of you who just gotta have the skulls and penguins yo!

Tags: Songs You Should Know, Music

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Mr. Spears, get off the stage

My name's Fyre, and I have a confession to make.

I'm one of Paj's friends who did not see m'f'ing snakes on a m'f'ing plane this weekend.

Please forgive me. I know I've failed. It's shocking, it's horrible -- I've lost 10 points off my pop culture purity score. I didn't even see K-Fed's big TV debut -- and that was shocking and horrible too.

K-Fed told People magazine he was going for the "oh my God factor" with his performance at the Teen Choice Awards.

That would be the "oh my God, that was the worst piece of pseudo rap I've ever heard. Please, in the name of all that's holy, stab out my eyes and destroy my tortured ears" factor, right?



Let's break it down, shall we?

First, Britney, the queen of good taste and decorum, stops snapping her gum long enough to introduce "her man." Um Brit? Is your stylist blind? 'Cause you are really preggers and that dress is really ... brief.



I'm sure Sean Preston enjoys the easy access and all, but damn! You're gonna put someone's eye out with those things!

On to the show ...

Yeah, yeah, put your hands together ... little kids dancing ... someone playing piano ... could they put any more award show cliches in one song?

Yes, they can. It's K-Fed at the piano, and the overly-fertile, cheese-doodle- munching redneck got a brand new trucker hat for this special occasion! Woo hoo!

He's stolen his song title from Missy Elliot, his grooves from Busta Rhymes and his moves from Vanilla Ice. The music industry has just been set back five years.

Word to your mother.

Let's not belabor the fact that he should be killed for suggesting someone should cut the top off a Lamborgini. We've got to cut him some slack, because ...
"Don't hate because I'm a superstar.
And I'm married to a superstar.
Ain't no one gonna come between us no matter who you are."

Wow -- he rhymed "superstar" with "superstar." Those are some skills, son!

I'd like to thank the Fox network for cutting the sound on most of the next minute. They've done a great public service.

Next he jumps down into the audience for a little "spontaneous" adoration, but did you notice that no one was touching him? Maybe he's lost control of his hygiene again, poor thing. Britney should really buy that Spongebob body wash he likes.

"I take care of my own -- that's my family."

Uh-huh. I know Brit's into the breeding thing, but let's not forget who pays the bills, you scrawny little skeeze.

"Just put your hands in the air, and wave 'em from side to side."

Can't we wave 'em like we just don't care? Because we don't.

Then after the lame-ass pyrotechnics and the "I'm too cool for school" ending pose, you know who I feel sorry for?

I feel sorry for anyone who's watched this piece of crap, yeah, but more than that -- I feel sorry for the poor sucker in the front row in the black wifebeater who's gotta jump up and give a half-hearted "Yeah, that's my boy!" arm wave.

Poor guy ... no amount of soap will wash away the stain on his tattered soul.

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Okay, just one more Snakes on a Plane post, I promise

For those of you who actually saw Snakes on Plane, Tortilla Chips and Milk has a soundbyte for the soon to be immortal line:

"Fucking snake get off my dick!!!"

Tags: snakes on a plane, Movies

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Ask Tortilla Chips and Milk!

Sweet! After five months I finally get a comment asking me for advice! I've been meaning to have a regular advice feature, if only to help the TC and M reader roll correct, suckas!

Dear Paj,

I have a problem, and I hope you can help. I asked a friend to come with me to see S.O.A.P. and she wouldn't go. There were no good explanations offered. I even asked if it was fear that there might ACTUALLY be snakes on her next flight, but the answer was no. What should I do? Can we still be friends?

Sincerely,
I wanna get on the mutha f*n plane!

Dear "I wanna get on the mutha f*n plane",

First of all, I want to address my displeasure with the movie going public as a whole, as Snakes on a Plane grossed anywhere between 13-15 million on it's opening weekend. To put this in perspective, it made 5 million less than Step Up, did in it's opening weekend and only 3-5 million more than it's opening competitor, Accepted. Now these two movies received 22% and 35% on the Rotten tomatoes tomatometer while SOAP received a respectable 63%. So I really don't buy the excuse that people avoided Snakes on a Plane because it was a bad movie. There were enough bad movies making bank all summer long.

All I know is, my viewing of SOAP transcended a movie and will go into my personal history as an event. Snakes on a Plane joins Pulp Fiction, There's Something About Mary, South Park Bigger Longer Uncut, and The Brady Bunch Movie as movies where being a part of the audience was just as fun as watching the movie itself for the first time. The last three Star Wars were an event too, but I left all three movies angry so it doesn't count. If there was a sure-fire good time at the movies this summer, it was Snakes on a Plane during it's opening weekend. What's the matter SOCIETY, are you too good to have fun? At least I had a good time and I didn't miss out and in the end that's all that matters, yo!

Now back to "I wanna get on the mutha f*n plane!"'s letter. As much as I would love to tell you otherwise, you cannot predicate friendship on whether or not they saw Snakes on a Plane. If I lived by that rule, I would have exactly ONE friend left on Monday. Despite my enthusiasm, that's exactly how many of my friends saw Snakes on a Plane this weekend, ONE. So yes, you can still be friends. You can tell her that she's a "chump", and you can tell her that PAJ said so...unless she's really got it goin' on. Then you know, you can call her a "chump", just leave my name out of it, yo!

As for what you should do... First of all, the very fact that you wrote this letter is a giveaway that you're not a guy. A guy wouldn't care if his friends didn't want to go see the movie, he would just f*n go to see those mutha f*n snakes on that mutha f*n plane. That's how guys do. Real guys, anyway.

So now that we've established that you are a llllady and you referred to your friend as "she" I can think of only one way for her to make up for not accompanying you to see Snakes on a Plane. It's a simple solution, really. First stock your crib with a bottle of Grey Goose, candles, scented massage oil of your choice, and a digital camera. Awwww yeah...what comes next is just natural. A night of oiled down sensual massage between you two ladies should smooth out any hard feelings stemming from cinematic indiscretion. If that doesn't help I suggest a rose-petal drawn bath or a pillow fight. You can't forget the most important step though: send the pictures of that magical make-up session to the TC and M homebase and everything should work out just fine between you two. Glad to be of help... 'cause that's how I roll!

Thanks for reading!
PAJ

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The Rant - Snakes on a Plane

There were Mutha F'N Snakes on that Mother F'N Plane!!!

I just got back from tonight's late night showing from Snakes on a Plane. I wasn't able to put up my pre-movie rant, it's alL good though, here were my expectations going into the movie: snakes, a plane, and Samuel L Jackson.

Snakes on a Plane delivers that and so much more. As usual, I'll try to stay away from spoilers and just leave you with some impressions.

Of course, with a first showing the crowd is going to be anxious and enthusiastic and very accepting. Still, I was worried that the hype was overblown and this would turn into a big crapfest. The first 10 minutes or so the audience was laughing at just about every line of dialogue. It immediately sent the message that this movie is f'n ours. The next hour and a half were an absolute blast.

The perceived idea that the creators of S.O.A.P would embrace the schlock and run with it materializes and it works. This movie could have been like every terrible 80's action movie, but with the conscious choice to play the movie for laughs and celebrate the idiocy of the premise, it turns into gold.

All the characters are picked out of the random cliche generator and it's entertainingly bizarre to see Keenan from Goodburger, Dick from Hi-Fidelity, and Cher from the TV version of Clueless all in the same movie

Champ Kind is my Co-Pilot

I was shocked as hell to see Juliana Marguiles in this type of role, but she's awesome. Her years on E.R. really let her become the figure that grounds the movie when it needs to be grounded.

Samuel L. Jackson is the only actor who could have pulled this movie off. He can switch from "ultracool" to "tongue-in-cheek" at the flip of a taser...and yes, he does say the line and yes, the crowd went apeshit.

Seriously, if you are involved with a significant other who huffs and puffs about how stupid the movie looks, leave them at home. You'll have more fun by yourself.

There were so many nice little details in the set design, costuming, and dialogue that made this movie the ultimate cheesefest. There's enough subtle, intentional camp to transform any
unintentional comedy(bad filmmaking) in the movie into genuine laughs. What I thought worked best about S.O.A.P. was that the movie is self-aware of how dumb it is, but it doesn't feel the need to wink at you.

SOAP is the movie equivalent of those wooden statues of the guy with the barrel, whose giant wang flips out when you lift the barrel up. Unbelievably tacky, but you can't help but laugh. If you can't have fun at Snakes on a Plane, I have pity on your soul.

There was a standing ovation at the end of the movie...to whom in particular I don't know. I guess everyone who has adopted and nurtured what should have been box office poison should take a bow. You have now created lightning that Hollywood is going spend years trying to bottle again.

The only thing that can top this is More Snakes on Another Plane.

Tags: The Rant, Movies

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So You Think You Can Dance - The Final Results Show

Ah, with the sounds of "Love is a Many Splendored Thing" in the background, summer is coming to a close and so Tortilla Chips and Milk must say goodbye to "So You Think You Can Dance?" We can have a stroll on the beach as we get ready to part ways and talk about keeping in touch when we get back to school and such then as the waves crash around us we can say a proper adieu...after all this isn't the end...this is only the beginning...na na na SoYouThinkYouCanDance!

Summer lovin' had me a blast
Summer lovin', happened so fast
We start with the extended intro dance of the entire Top 20. They're each put into pairs with their original partner on the show with the exception of Martha and Ryan. Some it's great to see, some it's tough to recognize, but in some magical way each pair reminds me of everything I liked or disliked about them in just five seconds of screentime. Seriously, all of them. It went like this: heh, whoooo, sweet, oh yeah them, KILL, meh, meh, ew they're back together, and then the top four. Weird emotional rollercoaster there. Cat greets "her babies" and we see meet our six judges for the evening. Then we get the quickie recap which comes in handy since it's been more than 24 hours since the last show. We're going to start out with a Shane Sparks group number to "When You Gonna Give It Up To Me", by Sean Paul. It's just so so, there's just too much going on and the camera work is spotty.


Met a girl crazy for me
I met a boy, cute as can be
We're going to see each of the top four's choice of favorite performances tonight. We start with Benji. He gives a voice over saying that he doesn't have a favorite. We do get a lengthy recap of his partnership with Donyelle. Surprisingly, rather than celebrating the undeniable power of the Benjelle he chooses to dance for the final time with...his cousin. He wants to show off his hottest routine with...his cousin.

Tell Me more tell me more.
Did ya get very far?
It's Benji and Heidi's mambo and another chance to pray to the TV Gods that they make out on stage.

Seriously y'all, they're cousins!!! The lusty looks...this is gross. So f'n inappropriate here.

Tell me more, tell me more,
Was it love at first sight?
Tell me more, tell me more,
Did he put up a fight?
We go immediately to Heidi's choice. She glosses over her partnership with Ryan, highlighting getting her bongos beaten. However, tonight she's reprising her dance with Travis on the park bench.

Remember this one? It's the one where Travis goes through the conflict of straight, straight, straight, gay, gay, straight, straight, gay, straight, gay, gay, gay, straight, GAY!

Summer fling don't mean a thing,
But uh-oh those summer nights
We're also going to get some of the judges choices for their favorite performances. Crazy-ass Mary immediately throws us a curveball and reveals some juicy dancer gossip. She alludes to a couple who "Had some sparks off the floor and on the floor. But we never did see them dance together." Waitaminit. If they didn't dance together how could she know they had sparks on the floor, unless she's like, a voyeur? Mary dishes that it's Natalie and Dmitry who got it on this summer! Wow! Not that surprising...but wow.

They dance a ballroom thingie and it's...not that steamy. Strange, that for a possible real-life couple Natalie showed much more chemistry with Musa than in her dance with Dmitry. Maybe that's a good thing ya know...it might mean genuine feelings...wait, why do I care?

Tell me more, tell me more,
But you don't gotta brag
Tell me more, tell me more,
Cause he sounds like a drag
Sir Pimp-a-Lot drops news about the tour, Step Up, dance clinics and Idlewild(?) and basically how the show is the cause for everyone now appreciating dance in Ameriker. Then more Step Up pimpage, we have a performance from the soundtrack. In honor of that performance, I'm going to lip synch my review of it.

I swear I can't believe I was so distracted by this show that I missed the chick crap on the stairs on "Flava of Love"

He got friendly, holdin my hand...
Donyelle voices over her Benjelle experience and relives her "I want America to see two Vietnamese dancers" flub. Okay, it WAS cute. She says that the only time she didn't have any nerves was her Broadway performance with Benji so that's what we're getttin' served y'all.

Yes, she's still wearing the dress that makes her look like a wedding cake. In retrospect, they really were a great pairing and it was great TV pairing the two underdogs. The fact that they took off like a runaway train for most of the season though really was surprising.

He was sweet, just turned eighteen
Well she was good, you know what I mean
Mia gets to choose the next routine and she chooses Allison and Ivan's contemporary dance to "Why" She tells a potential double-entendre filled story about how she was cooking when she first saw this number and that she was so moved by it she burned her sauce. In the time she takes to tell the story, they could have performed it three times.

I'm pretty psyched because I missed it live the first time around and it's nice to see some attention given to Allison and Ivan who were my favorites. WTF? They forgot to turn on the spotlight or something because all I see is dancing in the fucking dark. HATERS!!!!!

We next have the last top 20 group dance ever. They bring back the Wade Robson Zombie dance again.

Heh, for most of the dance the bottom ten chumps are just chillin' in the rafters. The 11 or so extra dancers really don't add anything this time around. We then get to have more filler highlighting the Top Twenty to the Boy's goodbye song.

It turned colder, that's where it ends
The focus then turns back to the top four and we get Heidi's journey to the Beautiful Girl song. We see her go from Reese Witherspoon to Meg Ryan and back. Then she caps it off to a solo to "I Love Rock N' Roll" which is possibly one of the least danceable songs EVER! Anyway, she's all smiles and Cat congratulates her and she's all smiles some more. Then the brutality starts. Before the applause even dies down Cat tells Heidi that if she looked up "America's Favorite Dancer", in the dictionary, the definition would say NOT YOU! Okay it wasn't exactly like that but just nearly as cold. Wow, for such a love fest things just got kinda ugly. Really who's idea was it to eliminate the beloved top four with "It's not you"? How about having all four at the end with "And the winner is..."? Stunning really, but yeah...I laughed my ass off.

It's Travis's turn to pick a favorite dance and while the body is still warm he chooses to dance the Paso Doble with Heidi. Wow, that must have sucked. Hey, why do they get a spotlight? HATERS!!!

So I told her we'd still be friends
Next, we have the spotlight on Donyelle. The math says that she's next for the "Not You" Treatment, until I think that maybe they could still create drama by keeping her on and eliminating one of the Tranji, so it's not a given...until she actually does get the "Not you" treatment. She gets a great ovation though and gives an inspiring (really) speech about how she had decided to quit dancing, but auditioned for the show, made it, and she's not stopping now. The Benjelle is dead, long live the Tranji.

It's Brian's turn to pick his favorite dance. He chooses Travis and Martha's Broadway number from the first competition show. He talks about how they were the team to beat and then things really get fucking weird. Brian intro somehow morphs into a HIPAA violation. Dig this from Dr. Brian: "Somewhere along the line we lost Martha's spirit and something personal must have happened in her life, which I don't really know about, but I hope she has come back from that." UH MUH GUH. I feel awkward just hearing this in my living room. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??? How is that even the slightest bit appropriate for a dance show. In private, it's gossipy bullshit, in front of a nationwide television audience? There is no measurement scale in existence to measure how inappropriate. Disco ruler agrees with me here. It's probably the most tasteless thing I've seen in a show that's not intentionally trying to be tasteless.

Anyway Travis and Martha, who may or may not have recently suffered immense personal trauma , perform their Fosse number and yeah, Martha does seem to have lost something compared to the last time. Maybe Brian's right, or it may be because she just got her privacy invaded on fucking national TV.

They tease Benji and Travis with the "Not You" treatment, but of course we've got 20 minutes left in the show and Fergie hasn't even gone on yet.

Fergie actually sings/raps the verses of "London Bridge". She shows off the street toughness that ruled the P*lace and made Riley her bitch through her teen years. In an effort to really push this London gimmick two palace guards pop out of nowhere for Fergie Ferg to freak on. So. Fucking. Ridiculous. OMG they rip off their hats and start dancing around...My head is about to explode by now.

Then we made our true love vow
We STILL have one more judges pick performance. Dan Karatay picks the Tranji of course. It's like this show was scripted weeks ago. It's the same as it was last week. They then go over to Cat for the final announcement.

Summer dreams ripped at the seams,
But oh, those summer nights
I'll close the recap with a phone call I got at 7:00 PM pst, which was one hour before the show started for me:

"Hello?"
"Benji Wins" *click*

And as his prize he gets to work with this.

Gratz!


BTW this is Tortilla Chips and Milk's 100th post. Thank you so much for checking out the site. I'll try to keep y'all entertained for the next 100 posts!
-Paj

Tags: So You Think You Can Dance, TV, Reality TV

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Fashion Trends I Wanna See- The return of the big-ass cellphone

Aight ch'all I've had it with my freebie bar phone that I've been rockin' for the last three years or so. It's not that I'm tired of it, I mean it's the perfect size for me, it has all the features I need (none), and it plays "Rock Lobster" when my peeps call. I like it lo-tech sometimes, but sadly the phone isn't working all that great right now and that ain't cool when your trying to bust the flow and your phone cuts out like a sucka! Plus, I'm tired of all the "ghetto phone" cracks from my so called friends. So yeah, I'm looking to upgrade, but after a quick search I don't think I can roll with the new just yet. The slim thin metal phones, they're okay, but seriously I'm gonna be losing that shit all the time. I don't need thin or tiny. That ain't gonna make my life any easier. I scoped out the chocolate and it's sweet and I can imagine stomping around yelling "Sexual Chocolate" before I make a call. It sounds like fun until I take the bit too far and spread my arms out and drop the bitch like Randy Watson drops his microphone. The chocolate don't look too sturdy and chances are I'll be doing that act until I break it and I'm out two bills.

Naw man, screw this sleek and thin and sporty b.s. I wanna go SUV with my cellphone. That's right I wanna go old school big. I wanna go so big with the celly that when I roll into Bayside, my boy Zach goes "Damn, that's a big-ass phone!"

It would have to be big with all the features I want in it. First of all, I want an old school Commodore 64 wired into the phone. Word! Then I could play "Larry Bird v. Dr. J One on One" all day long. You blackberry punks may think you're the shizzle, but can you scroll your name to infinity in BASIC, suckas?

Screw the polyphonic ring tones too. I want a real car horn in my phone and you have a choice of three honks "Dixie", "La Cucaracha" or "Proud to be an American".

I also want voice recognition in my cellphone so that on the rare occasion that I can't find the Pajtech BAP 3000 when I say "Where the hell is my cellphone?" It'll respond "Right here, foo!" in the voice of Mr.T.

My big-ass phone is also gonna rock a rotary dial on the back of it and couplers so it can double as a desk phone with an attachable headset. To add some bling to BAP I'm gonna put some spinners in the couplers. The rotary serves two purposes. One , if you're up in the club and some honey doesn't know what the hell a rotary dial is, chances are you better step, because the girl is probably underage. Two, you've seen the angry guy on the cell phone in the club right? Really yo, the flip of the phone or the button push doesn't add enough dramatic effect to the angry hang-up. So picture this, you're in the booth of a club rolling' VIP and you're laid back working the Goose like Clarett and then you follow "Yo, you call back when you done trippin'" with an angry slam of the headset onto the Pajtech BAP 3000 that's sitting on the table. Now, everybody up in there knows you don't play.

Seriously, if you wanna go big with anything, the cellphone is the best bang for your buck. The next time some bitch-ass ho at the playground cuts you and Junior off while Junior is waiting to get on the slide, don't waste your money running out to buy a Hummer for self esteem. Instead, wait until the slide-crowding bitch has her head turned and bash her in the head with the Pajtech BAP 3000. After you wipe the blood off the phone, call the police and turn yourself in. Chances are with no priors, you get probation. Try it with a razor phone she'll laugh at ya. Roll like that low self esteem, passive-aggressive ho in the Hummer commercial looking for payback and that's vehicular manslaughter. Yeah, your boo might think it's funny, but that's ten years minimum in the pokey. Probation and standing up for yourself is a lot more cost effective than 42k and the nanny having to take Junior to the slide.

I want retro in everything INCLUDING my phone. So make it happen you hi-techsters out there. I'm just waiting for for the Big Ass Phone to come out so I can accessorize my acid-wash carpenters jeans. I'ma hang the BAP from the hammer loop.

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YouTube MixTape Vol. 3- All About the Ladies

Okay, I got an itch to do another YouTube MixTape. Volume Three is my first theme compilation and It's all about the ladies this time. So here ya go, every song will be by a female or a female lead. I'm also trying out just using a playlist with one player embedded. Just pick the video from the sidebar. Let me know if you like that format better. Aight suckas here we go!



Oaktown .357 "Juicy Gothca Crazy"
Oh man, this brings back some really cool memories. This was jam back in the Hammertime days. I like the mix with the guys chanting the chorus better, but this is still legit. This is one of those songs that if you're not dancin or groovin to this song and actually listen to the lyrics, this song is just nasty yo! Even today it's rare that songs are so open about the poonanny. "Like a horse when I ride, he knows where I sit". Word!

The Sundays "Here's Where the Story Ends"
The Sundays were such an underrated band. I am still totally in love with Harriet Wheeler's voice. I hadn't heard this song in years before I put this compilation together and her voice is still one of the most beautiful I have ever heard. How the Cranberries blew up but not the Sundays is beyond me.

T.L.C. "Creep"
Seriously, I have an irrational affection for this song. Watching this performance , I realized how much I missed the overalls look. That needs to come back yesterday. The baggy overalls look with a backwards baseball cap and some Docs...now that's how a hottie rolls yo!

The Go-Go's "Vacation"
I had a Belinda Carlisle poster in my room in high school. This was post-Go Go's, post "Mad About You" and in her red hair phase. It was pretty much just a close up of her face and she was chewing on a cardigan sweater. I didn't even like her music all that much at the time. I swear I wish future-me could punch past-me in the face sometimes.

Ani DiFranco "Gravel"
Ani rocks. Period. If you don't agree with me, I will fight you.

Letters to Cleo "Here and Now"
An overlooked gem from my favorite period of rock music. This song embodies everything that was great about the mid 90's, the look the sound, and little girls who talk shit. Kay Hanley, ended up doing vocals for quite a few movies in the years that followed, like this one...

Josie and the Pussycats "Three Small Words"
This song was once made the example by my friends in San Fran about how I'll like anything pop-punk as long as it has a cute girl voice to it. We were watching TV and the commercial came on and they all pretty much yelled "That's a Paj song!". It was embarrassing, but true. Rachel Leigh Cook does an awesome job lip-synching here. Say what you want about the movie, but I enjoyed it! Who's my big rock star? Lately, Rosario Dawson has been in a disproportionate amount of my favorite movies. Sin City, Rent, Clerks 2, what gives?

Tanya Donnely and Juliana Hatfield "Josie and the Pussycats"
A theme within a theme. This is another one from "Saturday Morning Cartoon's Greatest Hits". Do I really need to explain why else this video is here?

Dream "This is Me" (Remix)
Okay, so this is a little bubblegum, but sometimes that's how I roll. The Peter Piper hook does it for me in this song. It just works really well and it gets rotation on my iPod...shut up! I can even tolerate Diddy jumping around and dancin for no reason.

Fiona Apple "Paper Bag"
Just an awesome singer and artist. So what if she went a little crazy a few years ago? I think I've liked her more since then.

L'Trimm "The Cars That Go Boom"
In my top five of songs that are sooo bad they're awesome. First of all you can't beat the name. I think these chicks were from Florida so the accents are fake. It's also unbelievable that this ever got on the radio, but I remember blasting it when I was in high school. A part of me still wishes that girls dressed like that, too. Someone remembered this song and it's part of one of my favorite mashups. Still the original on it's own kicks ass.

Beyonce "Check on It"
Whenever Beyonce and Jay-Z are shown together at an NBA event, Charles Barkley is sure to follow with a comment about how Jay-Z is the luckiest man in the world. Chuckster has gone as far as to say "All I wanna know is when ya see someone that pretty, how can you go to Brokeback Mountain?" Word, Chuck. Word! Anyway this song is a seriously undeniable force of bootylicious that I gotta put it on.

Fergie "London Bridge"
The jam of the moment right now. Do you think that Martika, the Kid and Ryan are sitting at home shaking their heads in disbelief on the transformation Fergie's made from her Stacey Ferguson Kids Incorporated days. Anyway, I'm over it now. She still looked her best in the "Shut Up" video, but I ain't complainin'.

Tori Amos "Silent All These Years"
One of my favorite concerts of all time. I'm not even one of those huge Tori fanatics. I was more a fan of Sandman and the Tori-inspired "Death" character fueled my admiration. This song I didn't truly "get" until I heard the version from the Rare on Air compilation. Hearing just her and the piano while cruising down the highway, I had goosebumps listening to this song.

JoJo "Leave"
Usually there is nothing I hate more than little kids singing about love. I blame this one on Degrassi marathons on The N. They kept showing this video over and over in between the episodes and I was hooked. It's a really smooth song and the "Who?" and "Why?" in the background make me smile.

Dixie Chicks "There's Your Trouble"
Guilty pleasure here. I honestly think I can only name one other Dixie Chicks song (the Earl song) but I have loved this song ever since I first heard it. I like the idea of them alot more in recent years, but I'm prolly still not gonna buy an album or anything.

The Breeders "Saints"
I had to put a Kim Deal song on here just because she is the indie rock goddess. I thought about Gigantic, Cannonball, and Divine Hammer, but I settled on Saints. This is a song where you had to be there to remember. I played the hell out of the Last Splash album and this is another song that helps define the era for me.

Tegan and Sara "Where Does the Good Go"
I like the song, but I really love the clip with the acoustic guitars and the patter. They are just amazingly talented and I really hope they blow up. This particular song was the closing song of a Grey's episode, which reminds me that I'm gonna have to start recapping that show in a few weeks.

J.J. Fad "Supersonic"
This song used to be in the Paj dating test. For real, yo! If the girl could finish the "S, is for Super!" portion of the song, then she was good to go. Well, the two that passed weren't the greatest of experiences, so that portion of the test was phased out. This song is the third of the hip-hop girl group one hit wonders and it's the best of the three. It might make my top ten all-time. Seriously I dig this that much. For the suspicious minds out there who are now starting to realize that I did this whole mix tape as an excuse to have this, Juicy, and Cars That Go Boom on my blog. I only gots one thing to say...shhhhhhhhh.

Gretchen Wilson "Redneck Woman"
I was in Nashville for a wedding and in our downtime we went around the town a bit. It just coincidentally happened to be during the CMT/CMA festival or something? Anyway it was Countrified and Countrified for Nashville is really a spectacle. Anyway, I was just walking along the sidewalk and there is this girl singing this song. I had no idea what this song was at the time, but anyway this girl was auditioning on the sidewalk trying to get discovered and all of a sudden she starts singing this song all up in my grill. I was wearing a hoodie and just rollin' how I do and I guess I stood out as someone who would likely repress her "redneck" ways. So I played along, and shrugged, shuffled, and head titled through the song. I even got a Hell Yeah directed at me by about a dozen uppity redneck women...was quite the surreal experience.

The New Pornographers "All For Swinging You Around"
It's my favorite song by my favorite indie band of the last five or so years. This song makes me wanna jump around. I just wish this video wasn't so booty whack! I mean the slumber party chicks could at least have tried to double dutch. Come on! Still Neko Case's voice is the shit and any excuse to listen is a good one.

Olivia Newton John "Xanadu"
Okay, ignore the 80's immersion here, but Olivia Newton John was the first crush. I've seen Grease and Xanadu almost as many times as I've seen the Warriors. I'm pretty sure the Warriors didn't claim the #1 spot until college. This is just an awesome piece of video. It has ONJ, Gene Kelley, Swan from the Warriors, and Ozone from Breakin'. It's been years since I've seen the entire movie, but I'm definitely tracking this DVD down suckas! You haven't heard the last of Xanadu on Tortilla Chips and Milk.

Tags: Music, YouTube MixTape

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Songs You Should Know - In the City, Joe Walsh

Nothing gets me pumped up and psyched more than the movie the Warriors. It's a movie I've been in love ever since I can remember. It's been such an integral part of my life, that it's transcended a movie for me. New York City from Central Park to C.I. the big Coney, through the eyes of that movie, has served as the backdrop to every significant stage of my sometimes arrested development. Every era of my life can be bookmarked with the Warriors playing the background. From childhood, through high school, through college and beyond. Without exaggeration, everyone that's been a significant part of my life, from friends to girlfriends has seen The Warriors with me or discussed it with me at length. To know me is to know "The Warriors".

A certain group of friends of mine would have evenings for years where we would get together and just have it playing in the background, with lines like "You see Warriors? You see what you get when you mess with the Orphans?" or "I'm gonna shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle" or "No reason, I just like doing things like that!" fill in our dialogue for the evening. Specific throw away lines like "We should come to this part of town more off-ten." and "Come on lady!" have become part of my vernacular. "The Warriors" has been used for parties, to wind down from legendary weekends, for packed living rooms, and for solitary moments. It's my powder blue blanket when I need it and it never lets me down. Well, there was that one night over a decade ago where I got too wrapped up in explaining the movie to a Warrior's neophyte that I ignored the fact that the Warriors neophyte was beautiful girl who just happened to stop by my place past midnight. Still, that was more my fault than the movie's.

For those of you have no idea what I'm talking about here's a little experiment. Next time your in a bar, clink some bottles or glasses together. If possible, take three bottles and put them on your fingers. After you start the clinking noise, repeat the phrase "Warriors, come out to play-ay" a few times and see what happens.

I know this sounds like a "Rent It", but if you haven't seen this movie by now or don't plan to do so, I can't do nothin' for ya. So here's the song that closes the movie "In the City" by Joe Walsh. I'm not big on Eagles history but I'm pretty sure this was originally recorded after he left the group. It's a pretty big deal in the movie that the song is actually listed in the opening credits. There is nothing like hearing this song come on the radio while I'm driving. I suddenly get the urge to drive until I hit the sun.

This was all inspired by a special dedication tonight from my homegirl DJ Eve and I nearly did my MC Pee Pants imitation when I heard it. If I've bored you with all this Warriors talk...sorry bout that. I guess all I can do is play you a song.

"You Warriors are good. Real good."
"The best."

Tags: Songs You Should Know, Music, Movies

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So You Think You Can Dance- The Final Performances

We're down to the final four on So You Think Can Dance. The oddsmakers at Tortilla Chips and Milk Headquarters have declared that it is Benji's competition to lose at this point. He would have to torture a baby seal or deep-fry a panda to lose a voter-based contest. I wonder if the jidges feel the same way or will they try to pull another agenda out of their asses? We do the normal solo intro and instead of the "Let's rumble!" transforming into "Heyyyy, you're cute" poses they end with a group hug of contrivance.

Cat comes out wearing a silver dress. Isn't that lame? By the way I'm not intending to have an accent over the "e" in lame. Seriously, that dress with her complexion ranks up there with Martha's green hat and the giraffe print dress as style mishaps of the season.
Aight, we're starting out with Travis and Heidi with a Doriana Sanchez disco routine. I just realized this will be my last chance to use the disco expertise granted me by once having a roommate who owned a ruler that said "disco" on it. Ah, memories of "disco" ruler, we've had some good times. As Heidi and Travis enter, the announcer voices over that the role of "featured vagina" on the show is now played by Heidi.
Pretty much that's what we get...a segment with a cunniliftus and flying gyno exam sammitch. The pulses I'm getting from the memories of the disco ruler state that the number was alright!
Before the judging Nigel comments that Cat looks like a disco ball. Cat responds in a voice laced with "teh sexay" that if you fix the wires you can hang her anyway you'd like. Either this show has that "week before graduation" vibe or there's a randiness quotient that they're scrambling to meet now that Natalie is gone. Nigel goes on to say that Heidi is the best girl partner in this competition. Very astute since she's the only female dancer who was a partner specialist and she's a championship level couples dancer to boot. Way to give an insider's analysis Nige. He says Travis was terrific too. Mary says Heidi is the first girl to dance the hustle well. She loved Travis's lifts. Brian thought disco was perfect for Heidi. He wished Travis would have locked his arms for the lifts. Isn't that bad for the joints?

The Benjelle is back for the last time with a Vietnamese Waltz. Joe Pesci Generaux is the choreographer. He wants to challenge them with the routine. The rehearsal theatrics are kept to a minimum. They perform the Viennese Waltz to a song by the renowned Austrian composer Edwin McCain.Seriously, hearing "I'll Be", all I can think of now is F'N Dawson and Joey and how this was probably a storyboard for a scrapped Joey fantasy scene. Yeah, like I can really critique a waltz...it was either the Dawson's scenario or or telling stories of me and my former lllllady when this song was popular. I chose Dawson's. Ooooh this is the part where Benji and Donyelle are reported to have kissed. I take it back, maybe he doesn't have to deep-fry a panda to lose votes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm totally down with interracial kissing. In fact, there's nothing I'd rather be doing now than interracial kissing. I'm just saying if the camera didn't cut away to confirm the loose reports of the taping, it might have cost Benji some votes.

Anyway Cat call them on their smootching. They totally deny it in a manner that makes it 100% certain they were. Nigel asked if they have had classical training which he knows they haven't. He than rips into them for not looking graceful. He didn't like their legwork. Mary said it was a disappointment for her. She didn't see the power in the dancing. Brian says it wasn't smooth enough and says they need to bring it the rest of the show. Wow, they waited until the finals to rip into the Benjelle. What gives? Anyway Cat says get ready for Travis and Benji. Benji announces that the "Tranji" is coming at'cha! No he did ehnt!

We come back from the break to see the dancers and the "Step Up" crossover promo. So that's what the Nigel comment was all about last week...WHORES!!!! Besides, isn't "Step Up" 's plot of mixing a ballerina and a hip-hop dancer just "Save the Last Dance" taken a step further? I mean, that's what people who have seen the movie would have told me if actually knew anyone that watched that kind of stuff...yeah. In my defense, Julia Stiles was hot, yo!

I'll skip ahead to Heidi's solo, which is the pretty much the same as all her solos, but now flavored with imitation sluttiness!

Now we have the pairing of Travis and Benji for a Shane Sparks hip-hop routine. They are now known as "Tranji" complete with matching hats. What was that spelling bee contestant? Use "Tranji" in a sentence? Tranji. In San Francisco, I lived across the street from a hotel, where I would see lots of "Tranji's" waiting for cabs. Tranji. Shane Sparks gets really clever here. He has the Tranji play the role or nerdy white guys. Brilliant! This way he can have a hip-hop routine where their limitations are masked by the dancers being in "character". It works really well too! The story appears to be Travis and Benji experience their first erections and that hormonal spike inspires them to get their jiggy on. The click-clack noise you hear in the background is the cumulative sound of slash fiction writers typing furiously right now as they do the rolling 69 move from the "Poison" Group Number. I really did enjoy their routine though. There's a Benji chant that I believe, overpowers a quieter Travis chant. Nigel loved the idea of the routing and calls them closet Krumpers. He says something about nipple rings that I ignore. Mary loved it so much she made a puppet with her hand that screamed. Brian follows with a mock Mary Scream and called them dorktastic.

Donyelle does her solo and it's reminiscent of her audition piece. Sweet, we've come full circle with the return of pre-Benjelle, D. It was a great solo.
Travis does his solo and he pulls out the back handsprings and other athletic moves. Great strategy here to contrast he and Benji.
Next, we have Heidi and Donyelle. They don't have a cute hybrid name but apparently they have nicknames with a fire theme. Snore! They're up for Broadway with Tyce Diorio!

They dance to "Big Spender. Kinda boring all the way around except for the parts where I think that Donyelle's vest is going bust open and release her bounty. Nigel thought it was simplistic and they didn't rise above the choreography. Heidi and Donyelle look silly being judged while wearing the big-ass silver eyelashes. Mary thought they didn't bring enough attitude. Brian thought they did the choreography but the performance was ordinary.

Benji does his solo and spins a million times. Then he pulls out a pot and boils a kitten! Okay fine, he doesn't.

Next up we have Travis and Donyelle, with a Mia Michaels blues contemporary piece. How the hell do you dance the blues? They dance to "Georgia on My Mind" and it really is beautiful to watch. They have period costuming and what do you know their dancing is controlled enough where I see how they are dancing the blues! Who knew? Nigel thought it was beautiful and captured him. Mary gets weepy eyed and thought it was unbelievable. Then she starts talking about her trips to Georgia. Stop! Brian said it was watching a painting that kept moving and it was art. Brian gives Donyelle a mini standing O.

Now it's the Heidi and Benji dancing Alex DeSilva's Salsa. I start my prayer to the TV Gods for this last performance. Please please please please please, find a way to have Benji and Heidi make out at the end of this dance. I get my hopes up while Heidi looks as she's giving a primitive birth...but denied!DRATS!!! They were both in their element so of course it was excellent. Nigel thought the leg movement was terrific yadda yadda yadda. Mary says she's hopping on the Love Boat again and compliments the lift. Brian asks them to perform this at his next birthday party. Really, if you didn't see it, I'm not joking.

We end with a fun group routine by Wade Robson. It's to SexyBack, the song I'm JUST now hearing for the first time. Okay, I get the phrase now now. It's a high fashion, runway theme and they strike a pose at the end. The judges gush over everyone and there's a notable pro Travis theme at the end from Mary and Brian. Is that enough to derail the Benji train? We'll have to wait a week to find out. I'm still pretty sure I know who I'm voting for.Oh, like you didn't know that was coming!

Tags: So You Think You Can Dance, Reality TV, TV

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