Ask Tortilla Chips and Milk!

Sweet! After five months I finally get a comment asking me for advice! I've been meaning to have a regular advice feature, if only to help the TC and M reader roll correct, suckas!

Dear Paj,

I have a problem, and I hope you can help. I asked a friend to come with me to see S.O.A.P. and she wouldn't go. There were no good explanations offered. I even asked if it was fear that there might ACTUALLY be snakes on her next flight, but the answer was no. What should I do? Can we still be friends?

Sincerely,
I wanna get on the mutha f*n plane!

Dear "I wanna get on the mutha f*n plane",

First of all, I want to address my displeasure with the movie going public as a whole, as Snakes on a Plane grossed anywhere between 13-15 million on it's opening weekend. To put this in perspective, it made 5 million less than Step Up, did in it's opening weekend and only 3-5 million more than it's opening competitor, Accepted. Now these two movies received 22% and 35% on the Rotten tomatoes tomatometer while SOAP received a respectable 63%. So I really don't buy the excuse that people avoided Snakes on a Plane because it was a bad movie. There were enough bad movies making bank all summer long.

All I know is, my viewing of SOAP transcended a movie and will go into my personal history as an event. Snakes on a Plane joins Pulp Fiction, There's Something About Mary, South Park Bigger Longer Uncut, and The Brady Bunch Movie as movies where being a part of the audience was just as fun as watching the movie itself for the first time. The last three Star Wars were an event too, but I left all three movies angry so it doesn't count. If there was a sure-fire good time at the movies this summer, it was Snakes on a Plane during it's opening weekend. What's the matter SOCIETY, are you too good to have fun? At least I had a good time and I didn't miss out and in the end that's all that matters, yo!

Now back to "I wanna get on the mutha f*n plane!"'s letter. As much as I would love to tell you otherwise, you cannot predicate friendship on whether or not they saw Snakes on a Plane. If I lived by that rule, I would have exactly ONE friend left on Monday. Despite my enthusiasm, that's exactly how many of my friends saw Snakes on a Plane this weekend, ONE. So yes, you can still be friends. You can tell her that she's a "chump", and you can tell her that PAJ said so...unless she's really got it goin' on. Then you know, you can call her a "chump", just leave my name out of it, yo!

As for what you should do... First of all, the very fact that you wrote this letter is a giveaway that you're not a guy. A guy wouldn't care if his friends didn't want to go see the movie, he would just f*n go to see those mutha f*n snakes on that mutha f*n plane. That's how guys do. Real guys, anyway.

So now that we've established that you are a llllady and you referred to your friend as "she" I can think of only one way for her to make up for not accompanying you to see Snakes on a Plane. It's a simple solution, really. First stock your crib with a bottle of Grey Goose, candles, scented massage oil of your choice, and a digital camera. Awwww yeah...what comes next is just natural. A night of oiled down sensual massage between you two ladies should smooth out any hard feelings stemming from cinematic indiscretion. If that doesn't help I suggest a rose-petal drawn bath or a pillow fight. You can't forget the most important step though: send the pictures of that magical make-up session to the TC and M homebase and everything should work out just fine between you two. Glad to be of help... 'cause that's how I roll!

Thanks for reading!
PAJ