Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty - The Player

Aight, in the two week lull before the new Fall season starts I'm gonna be watching random shows to see what sticks. The first candidate is "Breaking Up" with Shannen Doherty, on the oh! network, which I can honestly say I've never seen. I will confess though, that I was a pretty big 90201 fan back in the day. A big enough fan to make the joke that this show was originally called "Addicted to Clothes"...um, yeah...you know the episode where Emily Valentine stepped to West Beverly all slutty and then sang "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" with Kelly, Brenda, and Donna in lieu of a Robert Palmer spoof "Addicted to Clothes"...um "I choose me?" "Am I precious to you?" "Look what they've done to her?" ...haters! Okay, the premise of the show is simple. Shannen Doherty breaks up with people because their partners for some reason can't. Now as someone who has been dumped by proxy, there is no better way to show off that scar than to revel in the humiliation of others who are dumped in that fashion...on the oh! no less.

Our first couple is Alana(sp?) and Tremell(sp?) and they've been friends for 10 years, dating for 4 and for the last year it's been an LA to ATL long distance relationship because of Alana's work. Well, the distance is getting to her and she wants to break up so they can start on the road back to being friends. Yes, because nothing says friendship better than having Brenda Walsh dump you on national television. Shoot, screw "friendship", nothing says "potential stabbing" better than having Brenda Walsh dump someone for you on national television.

We start out with Alana and Shannen together in a room. Alana gives the explaination that Tremell is a great guy and she loves him alot but her heart isn't there and there may be trust issues and she's ready to move on. Basically ,she's given an acceptable breakup speech right there, but she's too much of a chickenshit or a famewhore to say this to Tremell directly. Alana justifies her being on the show by saying this is an fun and exciting way to end it because she wants to stay friends. Wha? Aight, Shannen just dumped your ass for me on TV, let's go chill at the mall this weekend.

Anyways, they stage an interrogation with real detectives and Tremell has to witness Alana stand in a lineup. In a scene that's too dumb for me to go into detail, Alana gets arrested and taken to the back and Tremell is left to be questioned by one of the detectives while Alana is taken to the back room so she and Shannen can watch. Whatever.

So, the detective questions Tremell and he states that Alana is his girlfriend, but he "doesn't do criminals" so she may not be his girlfriend after this. Alana comments from the other room that he's nervous. Duh, he's being questioned by detectives about your trifilin' ass, of course he's nervous. The detective starts to question Tremell about his relationship. Tremell explains that it's long distance. The detective says that Alana stated that things haven't been the same lately. Seriously, would a detective really be all up in his kool-aid about his love life if there were a real crime involved? Tremell stumbles a bit and for no real reason blurts out "I got a girl out here too". Sweet!!!

On cue Alana and Shannen lose their shit in the other room. Tremell goes on to explain that Alana doesn't know about the other woman and that he's prefer to keep it between them.

Shannen's like "Oooh I can't wait to dump him!" All her bitchiness is pretty much ineffectual right now though don't ya think? We go back to the interrogation that is TC and M Hall of Fame worthy.

Detective: She's in Atlanta you're in L.A. why even keep a relationship with her?
Tremell: I'm a player.
Detective: Right because it's like a game.
Tremell: I'm using that terminoligy as a player, it probably is a game, but I'm winnin!

Alana says "not today". Yeah, keep believing that...

Temell: I probably wouldn't tell her that I have another girlfriend...
Detective: That makes you a liar
Tremell: It makes me a player.

Shannen is all nuh-uh "It doesn't make you a player, it makes you a liar". She's mounting the high horse folks. Hi-Ho Hypocrisy!

Tremell, goes on to explain that he LIVES with his LA girlfriend and in case you forgot he's a player! Alana looks to be shaken right now and Shannen asks if she's ever been to his place and she's like "No." BWAH!!! Sucker!!! I'll bet she didn't expect that she'd be made to look like a chumpette when she got up this morning. Seriously, dating for all that time and NEVER seen his place? How does someone get away with that for a whole year? Where the hell is my notepad?

Tremell starts to cement his place in the TC and M Hall of Fame by rambling out of nowhere "Girls are better liars than we are, they are more conniving than we are." The hissy level in the girls room just went to 11. Me? I'm grinning from ear to ear.

Shannen is ready to come out and "dump" Tremell. Tremell doesn't even seem like he knows who she is. She greets him with a "How ya doin, Player?" Tremell laughs it off with, "Player to the 3rd degree!" She tries to spin it to try to dole out some punishment, but really he's teflon right now. She's all ready to dump his ass and she's ready to play Alana's break up message. On the prerecorded message Alana's all "You're a great guy...blah blah blah I love you with all my heart..." basically filled with everything she WOULDN'T want to say in this situation now that she's found out he's got another girlfriend. Nice move Shannen. He's got so much over Alana right now and it's all thanks to you! He laughs everything off as he should. It's like Ghetto Christmas for him!

Shannon: Consider yourself dumped!
Tremell: Sweet!
Shannen: Do you have any regrets?
Tremell: Na, she's still gonna be my homegirl, we're from the same hood...
Shannen: She's your homegirl...but you're not going to tell her the truth?
Tremell: It's the Player Code! You can't rat yourself out
Shannen: But your live-in girlfriend...doesn't she think you're exclusive with her?
Tremell: Yeah, she does...but I'm a player!
Shannen: You're a player.
Tremell: I'm a player...you got to play the game to know how the rules are.

Oh god, I love this! Shannen can't even ratlle this guy one ioata on her FIRST SHOW!!! She's gradually losing her composure and digging deeper into the "morality" hole

Shannen: Some of us believe in being honest, some people believe in a code of conduct between human beings...
Tremell: That's Player Hatin'!
Shannen: Do you put this front on to prevent yourself getting hurt?
Temell: Aw Naw!
Shannen: So this is you? Really?
Tremell: Right!

Oh man, the code of conduct card! Does the code of conduct include dragging a washed up teen star to perform what shoud be a private and personal act and expose that act on national TV? Seriously, Tremell's defiance has called out this show's BULLSHIT and it's not even 10 minutes old. Love it!!!!

Alana comes out to confront Tremell and we have an awesome moment. Now, Alana is trying to play it right and gets her smokey, sexy voice on:

Alana: Well, well, well, now take a good look baby, 'cause this is the last time you're ever gonna see me.
Tremell: (laughing) Can you turn around?


Tremell is my hero! Sure, there are better players on Springer every day, but to throw a monkeywrench into this dumb chick show on this dumb chick channel? He's on the TC and M Mt. Rushmore. (Trust me, when I get better at photoshop that pic is coming)

Shanenn goes on to say blah blah blah that is probably the best girl you are ever going to catch. WTF? Alana was going to dump him on national television and she didn't even have the eggs to do it herself. She had to use Brenda Walsh and this dumb oh! network! How is she the "best" of anything? Puh-luh-f'n snake get off my d*ck-ease!!! Done with this show.


I miss Allison.

*having a problem with screenies and IE sorry bout that. Pretend I'm singing y'all "Still not a Player" by Big Pun to make up for it.

Tags: Shannen Doherty, Reality TV, TV