American Idol: Stop! In the Name of Love

We start out the top 12 shows on the "Big Stage". 12 singers but maybe only 5 or six worth listening to. I mean really it's a given that the girls are much better than the guys and out of the girls Lakisha and Melinda have deservedly been given the star treatment. Tonight's "Musical Mentor" is Diana Ross, which is perfect timing since she's been under the radar enough for people to forget about her connection with Michael Jackson and her copping a feel from L'il Kim. While she deserves a "Legend" moniker, I don;t see this night being very exciting. Especially from the guys.

It's a long ass show, so yes, everyone interacts with Diana, they all freak out to some degree, and she loves all of them.

Up first is one of my favorite guys Brandon and he's singing "Can't Hurry Love" which is a good choice for a guy. I remember back in the day that Phil Collins had a hit covering this song. Back before I knew he was even in Genesis, before Miami Vice, and before I realized he sucked ass. Oh man Brandon, first one up and it's already a "Meh". He's just so laid back and he's either behind the music or just seems like grabbing it back. Then holy crap, he forgets the lyrics and he actually sings air. Now if I've learned anything from Jimmy Fallon. mistakes like this are contagious. Now who's gonna be Horatio Sanz?

Randy says he was boring and reverted back to a background singer but saved himself with the last two notes. Paula ..is on something. Simon was letdown and calls the performance predictable and calls him a "background singer for a background singer". Not a good start and he's one fot he better ones.

Melinda is next and they are introducing a new feature where the contestant answer e-mails. Sigh. Melinda hates high heels. Simon out snarks Seacrest in the "No, you're a cross dresser game" and I hate this show already. Melinda is singing "Home" from the Wiz and I don;t remember this song. I'll probably write fewer words about Melinda and Lakisha than the others. There just isn;t much to say when someone'sa ctually a good singer. The judges love her Paula is a puddle and Simon says she reminds her of Gladys Knight.

Chris Sligh wants to give "Endless Love" a different feel. Isn't 100% Lionel Ritchie Free good enough? Diana is actually skeptical. Okay, I get it now,by making it his own he means ripping off Coldplay. It's five seconds in the song and already I'm cringing. Paul Rudd is now telling Chris Sligh how he knows he's gay. Really this hurts. He really would have been better off sing the male and female parts in different voices. This arrangement sounds like a five year old making up their own song from a lyric sheet. Seriously, fucking COLDPLAY!

Randy says it was a mess for him. Paula says he's trying too hard to be hip and cool. Coldplay. Simon says he murdered the arrangement. Chris kinda loses all sympathy by being a total baby and blames it on the arrangement. You. Coldplay. I point my fingers to my eyes then point them to Chris's Eyes. COLDPLAY!

This years rocker Gina is up and is gonna be singing "Love Child" Diana Ross says to put the emPHAsis on the eNUNciation. First of all. I hate this song, but I like Gina. She kinda loses it at certain places and yells alot. I still hate this song. I still sorta like Gina.

Randy isn't blown away and it felt boring to him. Paula..oh forget it. Simon calls it a middle of the pack performance.

Oh Jebus help me make it thorugh this one. Sanjaya is next and he pulls this freaky twist and comes out with Diana Ross's hairstyle. I guess he didn;t have time to get her nose. He's singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". How many different ways can I say "shitty"? Oh screw it. It was shitty. It's not like he's even singing half the time. He's just happily saying the words. Seriously Producers, was this worth the hokey, borther gets in sister doesn't storline? HATE!

Randy laughs through his calling the song unlistenable. He gives him props for the hair and says he's be all over "Hair Idol". Paula takes a few mninutes skirt around criticism. Simon says that "when you hear a wail in Beverly Hills that's where Diana Ross is watching the show". Simon backs off to avoid the voter backlash and says he's very brave.

Hailey, the crying girl who Simon doesn't remember is asked "where is the craziest place she's ever sang?". In my TC and M fantasy land she misunderstands the question and answers "Uh, In da butt?" Seriously, who is that mundane to ask that question? She's gonna sing "Missing You" which I actually like alot. Diana explains that it was in response to Marvin Gayes death and I slip into John Cusack mode "He's dead his father shot'immm" Haily sings this seated and is sorta okay. In between keeping her legs crossed and wriggling around to not flash 30 million people she forgets the words. guitar strum TOO SEXY Hello Horatio!
Randy way blech. Paula says she looks great, which is Paula speak for "sucked" Simon is in obvious, "I hate it, but if I dis her Sanjaya" might stay mode. Simon says he will remember her and she has stage presence. Hailey is so overcome with happiness she loses her shit.

Well now, the last potential for teh suck is up now as Phil...is bald. He's gonna sing "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me". Well the look is a good start as he comes out looking like Lex Luthor. His eyes still bug out a bit. The song wasn't that bad had some good parts and rough parts. The judges are on cruise control. Well no,
I take that back. I'm on cruise control.

Lakisha. Get used to her she's in it until the end. She sang "God Bless The Child". Again nothing to make fun of here. Moving along

Blake dips into the "make it my own" funbag with "Keep Me Hangin'" on. And by make it his own he means slap it with a generic synth beat and laser beam sounds. For some reason it reminds me of the disco version of the Superman theme. Seriously, this is the type of shit that's ruining music. He does get to show off his fly locking which isn't really appropriate for the song. Still the judges liked the performance, liked the arrangement, but thought the vocals by themselves were weak. So we have a good vocal ignored because of Coldplay and a weak vocal emphasised because Blake wants to play Timbaland. The lesson here is: Don't fuck with the arrangement. Stupid Daughtry, see what you started!

Okay getting angry gotta stop this now. Stephanie and the other Chris do aight. While Jordin kicks it and gets put in the Melinda - Lakisha category.

Sanjaya was by far the shittiest, but will he go home?