Survivor: Are We Gonna Live on Exile Island?

Sigh. And I'd had such hopes for my favorites ...

With Dreamz out doing some actual work at Ravu, Mookie, Alex and Edgardo have time to have a circle jerk about how cool they are.

They gloat over the Hidden Immunity Idol some more, assuring one another they'll use it together, when really, it's in Mookie's pocket and Mookie's looking out for Mookie.

And, knowing that Dreamz is prone to sudden fits of pure honesty and a tendency to shout out things that should be kept quiet, they agree to keep him out of the HII loop.

When Dreamz gets back with pineapples, Alex spouts off into a long, annoying "pep talk" about how they're the Four Horsemen (Could you have found a more cliched name? I don't think so.) and how they're so tight and how they each had to give up someone to get there -- Alex and Edgardo gave up Lisi, and Mookie gave up Rocky.

I guess Dreamz gave up his dignity. I wonder how he likes playing servant to the cool kids.

Every time Alex opens his mouth he annoys me more. He's a sexist, smarmy bastard, and being pretentious and overbearing isn't helping much.

New rule: Alex is no longer allowed to speak.



Both tribes get Tree Mail directing them to paddle immediately to Exile Island. They are to bring nothing but their personal items and canteens. All rewards and camp gear must stay behind. Something's up.

Moto interprets "immediately" as "cook all the food and stuff our faces." Boo and Stacy are not happy at the prospect of losing Camp Cushy. Suck it, kiddies -- you'd think you weren't on a game called "Survivor."

We get the standard "ooh, what if it's a merge" comments. Chill -- you knew it was that time.

I swear if Alex uses the term "horsemen" one more time, I'm gonna reach into the TV and choke him. Didn't he get the memo about the new rule? No talking!

The Horses' Asses decide that they are going to split up and try to recruit others into the alliance -- Dreamz is supposed to work on Cassandra, Mookie on Michelle and Alex and Ed on Stacy. The Four Horsemen Ladies Auxilary and Book Club?

Everyone meets and greets on Exile Island, and they hug and pretend they like one another. There's speculation that they're going to live on EI, and that would be an awesome twist!

Someone gets the bright idea that there's a steak dinner hidden on EI -- right behind the sea snakes. So they all search, ultimately climbing the little tower and finding a box of purple buffs. It's a merge, people!



The new tribe will be living on Moto's beach. Mookie rejoices at finally getting to see Camp Hilton. Cassandra talks about how scared she was about losing the bed, the couch, and the Ikea catalog.

OK ... if they're really going to keep all that stuff, it's going to suck -- for the viewers. 'Cause that ain't Survivor. Go forth and Survive!

The happy, happy campers paddle back to Moto. Alex gloat that after *seven whole days* of hell, he's gonna get potatoes and a toothbrush, and frozen yogurt, and a hot tub, and a pony and ... He even thinks he's gonna get a turn at the bed tonight, but he'll probably share it with Edgardo, and that's a very special episode of Survivor I don't wanna see.

So the skip into Camp Couch, holding hands and singing ... hey -- where's the couch? Where's the china? Where's the bed? Where's the shower? Where's the freakin' pony???

The producers have stripped Moto *bare.* There's a pot, a couple machetes, and some fishing gear. That's it. Survive, beatches!!! I laugh hysterically.

There is much sadness. Alex is sad. Mookie is sad. Earl ... eh, he's cool. He started out at Camp Crappy, so this ain't that bad!



The sad campers pick a new name for the tribe, Bula Bula, which apparently means "Hello Hello" in Fijian. I wonder what "No Couch" is in Fijian?

Michelle the spy and Stacy get some alone time when they paint the new tribe flag. Michelle's worried that Stacy's too close to some of the ... cough ... Horsemen, but Stacy sidesteps and says that they're girls, so the guys won't see them as a threat. And the misongny just keeps on rollin'!

Earl says there's a "tribe within a tribe," and it's him, Yau-Man, Michelle and Cassandra. Alex says ... ah hell, I don't care what Alex says. Boo says he had a good position in the old Moto and the new Moto, and he's going to hang back until he can assume a "leadership" position again. WTH? When has Boo ever been a leader?

Mookie chats with Dreamz, Cassandra and Yau-Man, and for some unknown reason claims that he and Dreamz were best buds back on Ravu. Wasn't Mookie supposed to be talking to Michelle? Dang, the Horse Boys are confusing.

Cassandra and Yau-Man say that Stacy and Boo are on the block. Mookie has a confession where he talks about how great everything is going, if it all stays according to plan. Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Yau-Man has started the search for the second HII. I hope he starts feeling people up like he did to Sylvia.

Alex and Stacy talk about how tight their bond is. Hey -- she ain't no Horse Boy! He brags in confessional about how with all the smoke and mirrors the Horse Boys are gonna walk away with the game. Sigh. If that happens, I'm gonna shoot my TV like Elvis.

It seems odd to be trying to keep everyone off-balance. Off-balance people are nervous, scared people, and nervous and scared people send your ass to Loser Lodge. But I guess Alex knows best -- he's a guy, after all.



Alex, Mookie and Dreamz discuss getting rid of Boo, then Stacy. And all of a sudden, Mookie taps Dreamz on the shoulder and says "oh, we found the HII on Ravu." OMGWTFBBQ? What happened to NOT TELLING DREAMZ??

Alex freaks, and he's doing the finger-pointing bit as he tells Dreamz he can't tell anyone, especially Cassandra. Dreamz, understandably, is hecka pissed he wasn't told and that Alex is now treating him like a little kid, and says he's not sure he can trust these guys.

So much for the Four Horse Boys.

Alex, Edgardo and Mookie go for a romantic boat ride. Ed, understandably, is cranky that Dreamz was told about the HII, and goes into a long, complicated explaination about how only two or three people are supposed to know about the HII. He may have said some other stuff, but I got bored halfway through. He insists to Mookie and Alex that if Dreamz knows, then Cassandra knows and Earl knows. Why? Because all three of them are black?

How is it that this season has become more offensive than the "race war" ever was?

Alex insists they can make it all better by recruiting Stacy and getting rid of Boo. In confessional, Mookie says he realizes that if Alex dubs Stacy a Horse Boy, then he and Dreamz are on the outs.



Cassandra assures Earl she's with him and Yau-Man, and thinks she can get Dreamz, too.

Dreamz and Mookie discuss the Stacy situation. Dreamz says he's looking forward to voting Stacy out, because she was a bitch to him when he was at Moto. Somehow, it all comes back to the French press.

Challenge time!

Hiya Jeff! I was beginning to think you got the episode off!

Probst passes out stones that split Bula Bula into two groups, green and orange. Please let this be a Thailand "Merge? What merge?" situation.

Not quite. The two groups -- Alex, Mookie, Dreamz, Stacy and Michelle are green; Yau-Man, Earl, Cassandra, Edgardo and Boo are orange -- will compete on a puzzle course. The losing group goes to Tribal. The others get steak, veggies and wine. It's a tribal shake-up without being a tribal shake-up. Kinda like a lemon shake-up without the lemon.

Yum, lemon shake-ups. I am so ready for it to be fair season again.

It also gives the each side the chance to nullify a bunch of votes from the other side, because the green team is dominated by Horse Boys and the orange team is dominated by Earl's crew. Therefore the *losers* who go to Tribal will get a big advantage in the overall game. Someone's getting screwed.



The challenge is a bitch, too. Shown a large Fijian mask, teams are to memorize the symbols and their arrangement on the mask. Teams will then paddle down a river to three stations to retrieve three bundles of puzzle pieces. Once they have retrieved all three bundles, they'll paddle to the finish where two tribe members from each team will then use those pieces to construct six of the symbols from their Fijian mask. The first team to place the symbols in the correct order on their team mask wins Immunity.

Orange jumps to an early lead, because Yau-Man is better at getting the bags of puzzle pieces off the curly wire with a big fork than Stacy is. Dreamz can't do it either, so Alex shoves them out of the way, but Yau-Man has orange's second bag before green gets its first.

Green falls further and further behind, making up a little time when Michelle and Alex start on the puzzle. But ... yeah, this wasn't much of a contest. Orange for the win!



The note Jeff has for the losers says immediate Tribal, no strategizing. Duh-Duh-DUH!!!

The orange team enjoys their feast -- but is it a good idea to let Boo cook? Boo's hecka happy, though, because he knows he dodged a bullet. Earl's worried about Michelle. Edgardo is worried about Alex, but in a creepy way, as he whines about "not getting to say goodbye."

At Tribal ... ouch, Lisi looks rough! Hey Lisi -- 1987 called, and it wants its fashion back!

Jeff asks about the merge at Camp Couchless. Alex still misses the couch. Mookie says that without time to confer and strategize, it's almost like you've got to think for yourself, and heaven forbid anyone do that!

Jeff asks Dreamz for a reason to vote out Stacy. "It ain't me," Dreamz says, which I gotta admit is a good answer! Michelle says she hasn't had a chance to feel out Dreamz's alliances yet. Mookie says Michelle may have switched alliances since he was with her at Ravu. Michelle says Alex is a threat in challenges.

So much for not getting to strategize, because then Jeff asks Alex about every other person there, and Alex pretty much gets to stand up and scream "VOTE FOR MICHELLE!"

I'm not saying Survivor is fair, but this ain't cricket -- either they should get to confer, or they should vote without talking. Alex, that prick, just got an advantage that he shouldn't have gotten.

Jeff asks Dreamz if he thinks people are signaling to one another, and Dreamz is like "duh!" And if Dreamz gets it, it's pretty damn obvious.

I can still have hope, though, because Mookie and Dreamz were all anti-Stacy, right? Nope, I don't get hope. Michelle, my sweet, adorable, smart Michelle, gets the boot through no fault of her own. You suck, Probst!

Paj, find her and console her. She needs you.



Next week: The Mookie-Dreamz lovefest is over.