Okay, I finally got around to watching Superman Returns and I won't say it was the the greatest superhero movie and it certainly isn't the worst, but one thing is for certain ...Superman's a jerk!
SPOILER ALERT
As usual, this isn't a full fledged review, but key points from the movie will be discussed, so stop reading here if you don't wanna be spoiled...but you know you so wanna read more.
Okay, the thing that stood out for me is Superman's relentless ability to act like a toolbox. I mean he's not evil and he does good things, but man, can he be an asshat.
1) Superman crashes back to earth after being away for five years and starts the movie being nursed back to health at his childhood home/farm. His loyal dog scoots him a baseball which in dog language probably means "Hey, master, I've missed you so much since you've been away. Here is my most prized possession. Maybe we can play that game where you throw it and I run and bring it back to you. This is one of the only ways that I can display my true affection towards you. Here's the ball, what do you say?"
What does Superman do? He throws the ball with his super-strength into the horizon rendering it irretrievable. Who does that amuse? The dog? No, only you, you self-centered alien bitch! What was that worth? A smirk, maybe? Way to remind that dog what a jerk you were! I hope he went #2 in your red pirate boots.
2) The premise of someone holding godly powers AND a regular 9 to 5 job has always been a thin one for me. My theory is that Superman only chose to work at the Daily Planet to tap the rich resources of journalistic poon. Nothing in this movie changes my opinion. Case in point, he's back in Metropolis for at least a few hours. Metropolis, by definition, is going to have at least a few murders, accidents, or other varied crimes or emergencies. I mean it's a big city that's how big cities roll. Where does he spend most of his first day back? In a bar...moping. It's not until Lois Lane ends up in trouble that he swoops into action. I guess it means he's down with truth, justice, the American Way, and no-booty havin' reporters. Everyone else, he'll eventually get around to. Jerk!
3) When he does finally perform that first spectacular super deed he guides a 777 airplane into the middle of the baseball stadium. Great, he just saved tens of thousands of lives. Yippee. So he gets a standing ovation in the middle of the baseball stadium since there was a game going on. Then he just flies away. WTF??? He leaves a jumbo jet in the middle of the stadium. It would have taken him five minutes tops to fix the field and move the friggin'' plane. I mean they probably could have even resumed play. What about those fans who paid their hard-earned money to see the game? Sure you'll take their adulation, but screw them if them want to continue watching their baseball game. For all practical purposes it would probably take a human work crew weeks to clear that mess. That would mean games would have to be rescheduled and possibly forfeited causing havoc with the baseball season and possibly affecting the pennant races! Now you're affecting Americana, Jack! What's the matter Superman, you too good for Americana??
4) First, we discover that before Superman left for outer space, he didn't bother to say goodbye to Lois. Does that make him a jerk? To be honest, yes. To be even more honest,no. You can't have it both ways though. If you give Lois the super-piratey Silent Boot and go away for a few years, you can't expect her to have waited for you when you get back. When he finds out that Lois has a kid and is living with Cyclops , what does he do the first night back? He uses his powers of flight, super-hearing, super-vision and super-creepiness to SPY on her and her family. Dude, if your gonna act that crazy at least bring a super-boombox to hold over your head to redeem yourself. Stalker!
5) In the last five years Lois Lane's career has really taken off. She's even won Pulitzer Prize for writing the editorial, "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman." Pretty huge achievement. Now if you are her friend, you'd be proud of her, if you are truly in love with her, it would bring you great happiness to know she is going to be recognized for her excellence. It does not mean you fly her up to the edge of the atmosphere, to give her a massive super-whiny GUILT TRIP!!! So what if you disagree with the article? It's already been printed. All he's doing at this point is taking a super-piss on her parade. This is the night before HER biggest achievement and he makes it all about him. Seriously...JERK!
6) Moments after he's revived on the seaplane, Superman decides that he's got to go back for a final showdown with Kaiser Soze, "Air Raid!", and Kumar. So he makes a speech, flies out of seaplane...but doesn't shut the door! One of the mortals has to risk getting sucked out of the plane just because Superman is an inconsiderate douchebag. Where are your manners Supertool? Where you raised in a barn or something? Oh waitaminit... (for you fans of MTV's the State out there, yes, I was raised in a houseboat in Spain!)
7) This last one didn't settle in until after the movie. The big Supertool move had to be when he took that huge Kryptonian engineered land mass and threw it into space. First of all, he didn't even have the decency to point the landmass towards the sun where it would burn up. Instead, he just launches it into space and lets it go. That means it's eventually gonna hit something or someone. Isn't this the biggest act of littering ever? I hope some tear-crying space Indian comes to earth and kicks Superman's ass because of this.
Second, wouldn't it be beneficial to mankind if you left a technology laden land form on earth? That was the whole reason Lex thought it would be such prime real estate right? Couldn't Superman just tell the U.N. "Hey, focus on this for a day and kill those fucks. I got your back with the rest of the world." Instead, he gets rid of it, because of all that kryptonite. Think about that for a second, he takes away something that would benefit mankind just because it makes him weak. You don't see Batman running around trying to destroy every gun and bullet in the world. No, he deals with it! Stuff can kill Batman, but he deals with it. For Superman, knowing something exists that can kill him is too much for his Super-Ego. Talk about a God complex. Superman has to obliterate what can destroy him, even if it could benefit mankind. Jerk!
8) I'm not an expert on child psychology, but there are probably a million better ways to reveal to your son that you are his real father than sneaking into his bedroom in the middle of the night and lording over his bed. I hope you've got Super-Benefits for the therapy your kid is going to need.
For illustrated versions of Superman being a jerk visit www.superdickery.com
Final Thoughts: There has never been a better acting villainous combo than Kevin Spacey and Parker Posey. Kudos to casting! James Marsden once again has to play wet blanket boyfriend who is threatened by a cooler male character. Brandon Roush's performance...doing a movie long impersonation of someone is acceptable when you're doing a biopic like "Ray", "Ali", or "Man on the Moon", but when your are playing an actor playing a character, all you are doing is reminding the audience that you pale in comparison to him. It dragged on a little but I actually liked the movie as a whole. It just wasn't a home run for me.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Superman Returns -The Rant
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7 comments:
Superman always was a bit of a dick!
Batman is much better, but nothing beats good old fashioned martial art movies!
wow, you really destroyed superman man. i havent seen the movie and for sure i am not going to see it despite all the recommendations and all the publicity.
Superman = asshat.
Bats is so much cooler.
And what was with Lois "I'm just doing Cyclops 'cause he'll help me raise my asthmatic kid" Lane?
OK, so you've birthed the dorkiest child ever put on film. Fine. Get a babysitter! Do you need to take him to work *every* day?
I'm sure there are a dozen copy editors at the Planet ready to drop Lois and her whiny kid out a window. People are trying to work here honey, and just because you've got a Pulitzer doesn't mean you can let your brat run wild in the newsroom with a trash can on his head.
And a dream house by the bay *and* a seaplane on a reporter and editor's salary? Riiiigggghhhht. ;-)
Overall, it wasn't sucktastic, but it wasn't a showstopper, either. That's OK. "Pirates" is out this weekend.
Just for the record.. I really liked the movie.. I think however I am taking it from a different point of view. Either way Superman is a hot 6'4 piece of flesh.. =D
Yeah...whatever...he needs some krptonite tweezers for the chinchillas above his eyes though
WORD PAJ, pielovin word.
But you missed a few pielovin things.
Like what was the first thing that superman did when he gets back to earth?
Oh he goes and trys to steal Cyclops' girlfriend. Its like what is Cyclops supose to do against SUPERMAN, a bake off? what a jerk.
Also when the plane was crashing down in the beginning how does superman let them know he is here? By ripping off the wing. Sure with the wing there they could have maybe coasted safely, but nope not without the wing.
This is jerktastic in two ways:
First it just lets out his aggression, "puny humans, Clark is strongest"
and second its a cheap ploy to make the people "NEED" him. "Oh no now we don't have a wing, only superman can save us." Even though its HIS fault they are going to definetly crash.
Plus he just lets the wing drop. What are we supose to assume it happens to land saftly in the ocean only killing dolphins and tuna? Yea whatever, jerk.
And what is with all his flying so low right over everybodys head? How many car accidents did he cause? How many windows did he break with a sonic boom? How much can one illegal immigrant be a jerk?
12) When he caught the daily planet globe. He could have flown that globe anywhere. He could have hurled that globe into the sun just to make sure everyone is safe. But no, he dropped in on a car. It was probally Cyclops' care too.
My final thoughts though is that Superman is the greatest.
Why you ask?
'cause he just hit it and quit it.
Should the father raise is own child? Nope not if the father is Superman.
I mean how in pie are you gonna make superman pay child support?
We know he can't show up on important court dates. He probally doesnt even make any money. But because he got away with it, and now doesn't even have to raise the child, Superman is my hero.
I think the movie is spoiled for me, but now I think the actor might be as well. Thanks a lot! L
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