More Movie Dickheads

In the month's GQ there's a cool article featuring the top dozen of movie pricks. "The Dickhead Dozen" Does a pretty comprehensive job. It includes two Zabka entries, Tommy from Valley Girl (who always seems forgotten) and Darryl from "Coming to America" cracks the top five, so there are no complaints. However, since we're on the topic, here are some of my favorite movie dickheads that didn't make the list.

Wade "You Got Served"
He had all the ingredients for the prick formula. He was blond. He was a rich kid from Orange County trying to hustle the urban inner city kids. His crew had to cheat to win their first battle with Elgin and David, which ultimately led to the break up of the crew. Combine the shit-talking he does with that dance where he runs his hands over his face switching clownin' expressions makes his punchability factor extremely high. His comeuppance is that an arena chants "Served" as he walks off in defeat at the Big Bounce. Wade loses points since there's no girl involved and because no one will admit to seeing this movie.

Stab "House Party"
Man what a career this guy had. He got to be the villain in House Party and House Party 2. Plus, as a member of Full Force he got to sing on Samantha Fox's "Naughty Girls Need Love Too". He lays the massive beatdown to Kid to start the movie and spends the rest of the movie looking to do so again. His trademark line is sniffing the air while saying "What's that I smell? I smell PUSSY" In the meantime, he also inspires to George Clinton to utter the classic line "I cried two tears in a bucket, fuck it!" Now a movie prick reaches the pantheon when even his prick posse thinks he's gone too far. Stab crosses that line when he schemes to get Kid out of the house party with gasoline and jack him when he comes out of the burning house. Burning house? Stab and the rest of Full Force get theirs when they are taken out to the docks by the cops and beaten severely. Stab loses points for getting punked out by the cops and not really being the rich pretty boy type.

O'Bannion "Dazed and Confused"
One of the most memorable characters from this movie. Ben Affleck plays redneck badass to perfection here. Wonderful details for this character include, he failed his senior year so he gets to be the biggest dickhead to the Freshmen twice. His hazing paddle has a brazen "FAH Q" burned into it. His dressing down of the guy he's playing pool with is just awesome.

"Y'all are an embarrassment to the sport of pool and should be proud that I let
play at my table. You are the worst pool player I have ever seen in my life. You
keep watchin' me you might learn something...Okay homo, I hope you are ready to
taste the agonizing bitter humiliation of defeat."

He gets his when the freshmen dump paint on his head when he has Carl cornered for an ass paddlin'. O'Bannion loses points because he's part of such a great ensemble. He's not in many scenes but pound for pound he's a dickhead hall of famer.

Kurt and Ram "Heathers"
The jock, bully, date-raping, dickhead duo of the mother of Teen Movie satires, deserve mention here. "Who does that guy think he is, Bo Diddly?" was one of my favorite lines of all time. In addition to the charming traits in the intro they brutalize a nerd outside of a funeral, by twisting his arm and force him to say the following "I like to suck big dicks. Mmmm Mmmm I can't get enough of them." They get their just desserts when they are murdered in cold blood, with the scene staged to look they were gay lovers closing out a suicide pact. This leads one of the fathers to cry out at the funeral "I love my dead gay son!" If you haven't seen the movie, trust me, it was hilarious in 1989. The duo loses points because despite all their dickery, they are really quite harmless.

Shannon Hamilton "Mallrats"
Ben Affleck gets props here for another one of his early roles. If being the manager of a store called "Fashionable Male" wasn't enough to make him a prick. Beating the shit out of Brodie while explaining his plans for his ex-girlfriend should put him in the movie dickhead Hall of Fame. He tells Brodie that he loves girls on the rebound because they are more open to suggestion after being in disappointing relationships. He then tells Brodie he's going to use the situation to his advantage to screw her in an uncomfortable place...and it ain't in the back of a Volkswagen. He gets his comeuppance when a tape of him having sex with a 15 year old is played in the mall. His pillow talk consisted of "Who's your favorite New Kid? Call me Joey,,,ooh yeah call me Donnie. Please don't go girl." Doesn't matter, Affleck was da bomb in Phantoms yo!

Tags: Movies