Survivor: Flirtation and Frustration

I so called it -- before the season even started, I knew this was how it was gonna go down.

The grand social experiment? It's done. Finito. History.

In the immortal words of someone on the message boards at Television Without Pity, "Eat a dick, CBS."

We start our show with Aitu returning from Tribal, and a lot of "WTF was up with Billy? Is Candice really into him?" Yeah, I know -- it's kind of hard to accept, but true love knows no tribal boundaries.

Brad is fed up with Cao Boi's constant talking, and for some reason compares him to Jesus. He says Cao Boi is "not all there."

Yeah, but you're the one who just compared him to JESUS, so who's the crazy here?

The next morning, the tribes gather for what they think is a reward challenge, only to be told ...

"Drop your buffs."

And just like that, the race war is over. Sigh. A pathetic grab for ratings, and it didn't even last three episodes. And three weeks without a solo reward challenge -- that's just odd.

There's some fan service for the guys, as the camera lingers on Cecilia wriggling out of her buff and sliding it down her hips. CBS loves you, guys. Then Cecilia and Pavarti have to pick as racially mixed of a group as possible -- one of each ethnicity, and then the fifth is a freebie.

Cecilia's team ends up with her, Flicka, Sundra, Becky and Candice. Pavarti gets herself, Jenny, Cristina, Rebecca, and Stephannie.

It's a little harder for the guys to mix it up -- there's only one African-American male. Brad's team has him, J.P., Nate and Adam; Jonathan gets himself, Yul, Ozzy and Cao Boi. There could be an alpha male clash brewing.

The four "captains" smash paint filled eggs to form their new tribes: Cecilia and Jonathan's groups become the new Aitu and Brad and Pavarti's teams are the new Raro. The belongings of all four tribes will be pooled and divided equally.

There is much rejoicing. Nate says it's like he's been lifted out of the ghetto and sent to Bel-Air. OK, Nate, for the rest of the episode, you are the Fresh Prince. Pavarti says she's happy "We're back to America -- it's a melting pot." She's trying a little too hard to be cute.

Cecilia and Ozzy give their new tribemates a tour of Camp Aitu. "I'm definitely so happy about the transition in this game, I definitely feel a change of energy here," Flicka says.

If she pulls out a crystal or starts fire dancing, I'm gonna reach through the TV and slap her.

Cecilia and Ozzy also waste no time asking Candice about her love life. And she's all "yeah, it's cool -- I'm going to have Billy's skull babies."

OK -- she didn't say that, but wouldn't it have been cool if she did?

Candice is as clueless as the rest of us about why Billy luvs her. She's pretty embarrassed about the whole thing, and it would have to be hard -- first day in a new tribe, and everyone's like "Hey, are you hooking up with the freak in Loser Lodge?"

Yul, Becky, Jonathan and Candice are already talking alliance, but they want a fifth member. Jonathan says he can get Flicka to do whatever he wants.

Hey Jonathan -- can you get her to wash her funky hair?

But Flicka's already bonding with Cao Boi in a little outsider clique, and she says she gets better "vibrations" from Cecilia, Ozzy and Sundra than from Jonathan and his crew.

Flicka says that she's not sure she wants to stick to the original Raro alliance because she never fit in with them anyway. And besides -- she's just here to wear tall socks and make friends, not think about alliances and play games.

I hate this -- you want an experience, join Outward Bound. You want to play a game show for a million bucks, go on "Survivor." If you're there, you should be playing the game.

Yul tells Becky he's got the immunity idol, and says he'll give it to her if she needs it.

Over at Raro, Pavarti says she's going to flirt to get ahead, cause that's what she does best. She picks the Fresh Prince as her first new target (she's already been going after Adam), and proceeds to shake her not terribly impressive rack and flirt with all the subtlety of a drunken cheerleader.

The Fresh Prince goes spear fishing. (Yeah, give the black guy the spear -- guess the stereotyping isn't over yet.) He catches a big-ass octopus, and it's pulling on the spear and he's got to try to reel it in or lose the spear. He shouts for help, and gets a hand from Brad and J.P., who were chilling on the beach.

The octopus gets very friendly with Brad.

"Oooh, you've got so much meat," Pavarti coos to the Fresh Prince.

Why doesn't she just lie on her back and say "Hey Nate -- you want to do me and stuff?"

Immunity challenge time -- and it's a replay of the "Hot Pursuit" from Palau. The teams are clipped together and everyone is carrying 15 pounds of sand. They line up on opposite sides of an oval course in knee-deep water. The idea is to race around the course until you catch the other team and tackle someone. Anyone can quit the challenge at any time as long as another tribe member takes on the added weight of their sandbag.

Aitu's women drop like flies -- all of them leave at once except Flicka. The guys shoulder their sandbags. Flicka drops out. The Raro women start to drop out. Rebecca is the last woman to go.

This is pretty much a foregone conclusion -- Raro's got four buff young guys, Aitu has Cao Boi and Jonathan. Yul says to turn around and rumble 'em, but Raro just goes around him and tackles Cao Boi.

But both teams were pretty wussy. Bobby Jon and Tom rocked this challenge in Palau -- they were at it for hours.

Raro gets to pick a member of Aitu to send to Exile Island -- which protects that person from Tribal. They pick Candice.

Jonathan's five person alliance is down to three -- Candice is on Exile Island, and Flicka is a flake. Jonathan and Yul start working to win Flicka and Cao Boi over to their side.

They aren't buying it -- Cao Boi says Becky should go, because she's the weak link and a princess. Flicka tells Jonathan she's not thinking about how to get ahead in the game -- she just wants to "have a connection" with people.

Ozzy tells Cao Boi he "won't write his name down." Wow -- that line has never been used before! He agrees to talk to Sundra and Cecilia about voting out Becky.

Flicka tells Jonathan that Becky's on the way out. He grouses in confessional that Flicka's not doing what he tells her to. Damn independent thinkers!

Flicka and Cao Boi decide that neither of them trusts Jonathan, but his argument that it's a numbers game has merit.

Becky has her buff tied tight around her neck at Tribal -- I'd bet five bucks she has Yul's immunity idol hidden under it.

Probst is asking about the racial thing again. You know what Jeff? Nobody cares.

Yul very diplomatically says that people are on the island for different reasons -- some to play the game, and some to have a personally fufilling experience.

Is the fact that Flicka's hair makes her look like a tiki idol tonight part of her personally fufilling experience?

Jonathan points out that even if people aren't there to play the game, they're still playing the game. So suck it up.

Flicka says everything is confusing her. I think on-off switches could confuse Flicka.

Probst asks Ozzy what the vote will do to Aitu. He says the tribe will have one less person. Duh! Tell us some more, Brainiac!

Aitu votes, and at least three people use the "It's not personal" line. Did they plan this or something?

Cecilia gets her torch snuffed. Ozzy makes the "WTF?" face. Cecilia walks away hugging herself -- it's kind of sad.

Next week -- Cao Boi goes medieval on a baby birdie.

Tags: Survivor, Reality TV, TV

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Grey's Anatomy: Decision Time?

Within the opening scenes of this episode, we've cleared through most of the remaining video music scenes and learn that:
1. Meredith will flip a coin at the end of the show
2. Christina is busted mounting Burke as his parents walk in
3. Addison and the Chief's marriages are crumbling at equal rates and
4. Dr. Husky is once again the least bitchy person on the show when she claims the panties on the bulletin board. Because clearly, she and Mere-waif wear the same size draws.

The episode officially begins with Bailey's stern warning to the interns not to embarrass her that day. Fat chance. Even as their little hallway pow-wow is breaking up, Burke's "Momma" starts accusing Christina of being a racist as well as a stripper. Before she can run away, however, McDreamy shows up and agrees that Christina and Momma Burke should have coffee. This should be interesting. Pretty much the outcome of this conversation is that Christina is a selfish person, and that two people as selfish as Burke and Christina will never make it.

Meanwhile, McDreamy follows Meredith into a stairwell where he swears he's leaving Addison no matter what, just as soon as she actually shows up for work that day. They begin one of their longing, almost kissing moments but are conveniently interrupted by Dr. Husky stopping by to return Mer's undies. McDreamy then decides to go find his soon-to-be-ex-wife, and learns that not only is she taking the day off "for drinking", but that it's because she found Meredith's panties in his tux pocket. Ah-hah, I've been wondering how Addie got her hands on those. Undaunted in his desire to completely crush her heart, however, he runs off to tell her the marriage is over.

And what patients do we have on tap today? Well, Bob, behind door number 1 we have a young man with a brain tumor that leaves him completely unable to filter his commentary. So throughout the show we have a running banter of honest and often insulting remarks. Behind door number 2 is an utterly sympathetic young woman who has never smoked, doesn't eat sweets, exercises and did I mention never smoked? You guessed it--she's got lung cancer. (Paj, you should not take a lesson from this.) Wouldn't that lesson be even if I never smoked I could still get lung cancer? -Paj Well, she's trying to experience life through as many baked goods as possible before her 3:00 surgery.

Anyway, George believes that the waif panties actually ARE Dr. Husky's and becomes very interested and jealous. Husky is enjoying the attention, so she keeps up the charade.

Suddenly the patient behind door number 3 arrives, impaled on a tree. Nuf said.

Meredith has just about decided to get with McDreamy because "he's McDreamy" when McVet stops by to bring Izzy lunch as she mourns at home. Did I mention that Izzy is making muffins? Lots and lots of muffins. Unfortunately Izzy has stepped out for a bit, so the Vet takes advantage of an empty house and smooches Meredith up against a wall before leaving her all steamed up to consider her decision.

Izzy has brought a few baskets of her muffins to the bar, where she runs into drunk Addison in her bucket hat. George continues to obsess about the panties, while Meredith waffles and Christina tries to justify her selfishness.

Lung cancer lady decides to skip surgery and live a little outside the hospital, while patients 1 and 3 go into surgery. As we go to commercial, both are flatline.

When we return everyone convenes in the bar. Addison goes home wasted in a cab. After Meredith decides to be impulsive like her brain tumor patient and base her decision on the flip of a coin, Christina lets her know that the patient died.

Bailey notices the tree-boy's father having a drink nearby, lamenting that he went soft on his son and that's why he got hurt. We learn that the boy will survive, however. Lung cancer lady is getting drunk with Alex, who may finally have given up asking Bailey to re-hire Izzy. After a few drinks and determining that they are both single, she invites Alex to follow her to the restroom to "fulfill a dying woman's wish." Oh my gawd! He's actually going to do it! Holy hypocrisy, Batman! Back at Seattle Grace, the Chief busts Dr. Husky underwear-dancing in her creepy hospital basement apartment.

Wrap-up begins...
...and it's decision time. McVet and McDreamy arrive at the bar, where Meredith decides that they both owe her at least a month of free dinner and movie dates before she decides. Hey, a girl's gotta eat, right? They agree.

As the Chief tells Husky she has to move out, George walks in and the jealousy hits a new peak. Alex and Bailey reach a respectful understanding, and Lung cancer decides (in her post-coital high) to go back for the surgery.

Christina almost lets Momma Burke win, but gets an encouraging word from Daddy Burke telling her to hang in there.

George and Izzy make up when she confesses that the the undies weren't hers after all.

Bailey comes to see Izzy and apologizes for going soft when she needed to be a hardass the most. She asks Izzy to come back to work.

McDreamy goes to see Addison at her hotel, where he apologizes for the panties and (I think) for screwing Meredith at the prom. They agree the marriage is over and, as he laments how sad the end is, the bathroom door opens and out walks a very hot man wrapping a towel around his waist. It must be...I think it's...

AAAAAHHH! McTiVo has decided that the episode is over, leaving ME all hot and bothered up against the wall!

Bastard Cable People.

Tags: Grey's Anatomy, TV

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Dear "Lost"

I used to love you, you sun-and-sand drenched paragon of incomprehensible mysteries.

The first season I was hooked -- I laughed when you laughed, cried when you cried, and said "Finally, you idiots do something!" when the Oceanic Air castaways left the beach and found fresh water and a new set in the caves.

And when Sawyer, Michael, Walt and Jin set off on the little raft that could, I wished them the best -- even as I knew it would all go wrong.

I just didn't know how wrong the second season would go.

But I'd like to see you get back on track, my friend. And since the second season seemed to be a version of "Gilligan's Island" meets "Saved by the Bell," in which seemingly intelligent people split themselves into high school cliques and bickered all damn year, and not a whole lot happened, I'm going to offer some suggestions on how you can keep me watching this year.


1. How about a coconut radio? (Just kidding, "Lost," really)

2. Sawyer is hot. Jin is hot. Sayid is hot. Getting to see any of them reasonably clean and shirtless is entertaining enough that I'll accept 10 minutes of pseudo-philosophical babble without complaint.

3. Do something already. Solve a mystery, damnit! After two seasons, we know hardly anything about Rousseau. And you're wasting Mira Firlan's talents (one of my faves from Babylon 5) having her play the wide-eyed crazy all the time. You're so fond of flashbacks -- lets see some of hers!

And while we're at it, why do the Others kidnap kids? Why did so many of the castaways have life collisions before the flight? What the heck can Walt do? Why do canned goods fall from the sky? How was Locke paralyzed? What in the name of pie is up with the polar bear, the mechanical sharks and the smoke monster??

4. OK, I understand Jack is supposed to be cool. But does he have to do *everything* better than *everyone* else? Frankly, I'm sick of Super Jack -- next thing you know, he'll be breastfeeding Claire's baby.

5. Some constistency would be nice. Locke was a man's man, the cool guy with skills. Now he's a sniveling wimp. Michael -- OK, I never liked Michael, but did he have to swing from struggling dad to cold-hearted killer? And just get Kate some drugs, because she can move from "independent tough girl" to "whiny, spineless and useless" in the space of a single episode.

6. There are a lot of good characters on the Island. Not every episode should be the "Kate and Jack Show." It would be nice to see someone else for a change.

7. Be careful introducing new characters. Henry Gale is the shizzy. Ana-Lucia and the Tailies? Not so much. You won back a piece of my heart when Ana-Lunatic took a bullet in the gut, but I'm not yours again yet.

8. What's up with the horror movie rules? If every woman (Shannon, Ana-Lucia) who does the nasty dies horribly the next day, this Island is going to be a sausage-fest by sweeps. Don't be scared of a little s-e-x. Because lets face it. You're trapped on a deserted island -- what else is there to do? It's not like the Hatch gets HBO.

9. Put a main character in real danger. We pretty much know nothing's going to happen to Jack or Kate. If anyone dies, it's always a secondary character. It would be better if there was some actual suspense. Actually, you could kill one or both of them off, and I'd probably drop my knitting and do a little dance in my living room.

But if you are going to off someone, DON'T USE A GUN! There were more shootings on that Island than in Baltimore last season. Lay off the gunfights -- aren't they out of bullets yet?

10. Your plot twists should actually twist. Nothing happened last season that I didn't see coming -- except for poor Libby. She *thought* about sex and got shot. That's cold.

I'm giving you three episodes, "Lost." Get it together, or I'm tuning out.

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Worst. Porno. Ever?

From the NY Daily News

He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.
Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.

We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond.

"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."

Schmidt is in L.A., shopping the tape to Hustler's Larry Flynt, Vivid's Steven Hirsch and other major distributors of adult video.

Now age 29, the 6-foot Diamond is much brawnier than you may remember him. He's a black belt in karate, and, four years ago, he defeated Ron Palillo (Horshack on "Welcome Back, Kotter") on Fox's "Celebrity Boxing 2."

Diamond's manager, Roger Paul, said his client has become a successful standup comic and will appear on the ABC sitcom "The Knights of Prosperity."

"I haven't seen the tape," Paul told us. "I've heard rumors. Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings."

In 1996, former "Saved by the Bell" sweetheart Elizabeth Berkley bared all in the Paul Verhoeven-Joe Eszterhas trashterpiece, "Show Girls."

The sex vid's working title is "Saved by the Smell." Ewwwww.

It looks like I wasn't too far off when I joked about "Saved By the Bell: The Porno Years". Screech and the "Dirty Sanchez"? If you're wondering I am making the conflicted face right now. Still, I can think of about ten better working titles than "Saved by the Smell" I wanna hear yours though.

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Nip/Tuck Ep. 4.04 Shari Noble aka The Liver, The Thief, The Dog is Her Lover

Aight suckas! I've got Nip/Tuck again this week. The Rizzle graciously agreed to take over Grey's duties for me since I'll be out of town for the next few days. So we traded. Teamwork! 'Cause that's how TC and M rolls. First, we have Saved By the Bell ass now this episode has the potential sullying of Little House on the Prarie's Laura Ingalls...still so conflicted. At least I didn't see Mr. Snuffalupagus on the guest star sheet...and no, you pervs that isn't a euphamism for any of the characters, though it would be pretty cool if the dwarf was packin' in the teens.

We start in the office where Sean is confessing to Christian his dalliance with the crazy, banshee, Carol Seaver lookin' nanny. He also adds with some serious grit and determination that he wants to do it again "BADLY". Christian deletes Monica's name from Sean's cellphone and claims that's that. Yes, because crazy always goes away that easily. Meanwhile, we see Christian and Mrs. J.R. giving a slow burn lesson in flirtation. She reveals that she's gone to medical school, but didn't finish and that reconstructive surgery has alwys been a dream of hers. Christian gets bitchslapped as he's about to fondle her breast.

Back from credits, Julia is having problems with breast-feeding and lactating and other stuff I have no clue about. Anyway, Julia can't get her lactose to flow and Sean says that its important for the pending surgeries that he dine on mother's milk. Julia thinks that it's post partum depression and meds might be in order.

Guest star time. Ah, there's little Laura Ingalls. Turns out her pit bull Rojo, bit her nipple off. Damn! She defends the dog with the dog-owner equivalent of "I fell down" and that he was just playing. She says her nipple got in the middle of a dog fight. There's a joke there somewhere, but I don't think I can get away with that one. She stresses to Dr. Doom that she needs it to llok like it never happened because her husband is coming home from Iraq. She doesn't want Mr. Ingalls to put Rojo down because she leurves her dog.

Dr Doom greets Mrs J.R. with a "Your Chocolate Cupcakes are looking very tasty this morning". She disinvites Doom from a fundraiser. As they fix Melissa Gilbert's chewed off nipple, seriously yo, I never thought I'd ever type that sentence... Liz enlists Doom for help on gettin her laid since her game can't keep up with the times. Doom offers to be her coach on Saturday night.

Male Nurse Shorty (MNS) is painting a mural for the baby's room. It's the beginning of a Garden of Eden scene. Julia says it's kinda of inappropriate, MNS says just be patient, it'll be even more creepy when it's done. Julia confides in MNS about her concerns with Post Partum. MNS understands her. The countdown to Dwarven sex begins...NOW! MNS tells her he knows a trick that might get her lactating. He takes a warm washcloth and places it across her breast and says it relaxes the milk ducts or something. PLAYA PLAY! The S in MNS now stands for SMOOTH, yo! I have never been prouder to be a man. Sean happens to walk in, add "WTF my wife is getting felt up by a Dwarf" face to his collection of faces.

Liz and Doom are out on the prowl in a Lesbian bar. A hottie is looking their direction and Doom takes his que. He gets shot down and it turns out she is actually interested in Liz. The bartender slides Liz a drink compliments of the hottie who wants to know "How soon she can dump the fairy?" BURN!

Quickly, we get some girl on girl, but all is not what it seems. Liz wakes up to find a ringing cell phone taped to her hand. The voice on the other end tells her paramedics are on the way. That's right folks it's the old "Gotcha Kidney!" trick Nip/Tuck style!!!! Psst...Liz...how's that single kindey bounce? SUCKA!!!!!!!

Flash to the hospital, where the doctor explains that there's a string of kindey thefts sweeping Miami. In a nice scene, Sean and Doom comfort her that they will take care of her and that she's not alone as long as they're around. Forget the narcissism and deviant sex, McNamara and Troy are all about being loyal to their friends. AWWWW!!!

Cue the ominous music because Mrs. J.R.'s mystery woman Jaquiline Bissett is back, and this time she's brought a gorgeous waif with her. It turns out the waif compromised a client and has to get her oh-so-perfect face fitted with a new nose and chin ASAP. Jackie Bissett's name is actually James, and it turns out James has Mrs. J.R. and Waif by the eggs for some unknown reason. Mrs. J.R. says that Sean and Doom won't operate on Waif's perfect face. James is all like perfect, huh? James takes a marble paperweight off the desk and whacks Waif right in the mush. Hardcore! Face hurt? It's killing me.

Doom questions the surgery but relents. He steps the seduction even further when he offers Mrs. J.R. a chance to assist with the surgery herself. Screw professional ethics, Doom is the MACK!!!!

Sean decides to fire MNS for fondling Julia's breast. Sean tries to expose MNS's game with the whole "you must get tempted by the boobies being a dwarf and all" speil. MNS calls bullshit and and says he doesn't need to roll like that and starts to list his conquests. I'm an MNS believer! Just as MNS is about to leave...KNOCK KNOCK! Who's there? It's CRAZY! CRAZY Who? CRAZY, who you fucked last week you asshole! Monica peeps in with "Hi, is a bad time?" Is she still crazy? Then yes, it will ALWAYS be a bad time. With a damning look from MNS, Sean lets the Drawf who fondled his wife stay. Deviated septum...Akron...my wife had one gigantic titty...

Monica tells Sean that she's staying in town and she wants to see him again. Sean gives the most unconvicing "No, we made a mistake" I've ever heard. Monica tells him that she'll be waiting for him. Um, Sean...CRAZY! RUN AWAY NOW!!! Not even cell phone deletion can ward off the crazy.

Doom is having his post-op exam with Melissa Gilbert, when in walks a very intense Mr. Gilbert. Turns out he came home early. Imagine that. Mel tries to apologize for not cleaning the house for his return, asks if Rojo pooped in the house and other forms of deflect fu, but Mr. G ain't havin' none of that yo! He calmly says "I saw an open peanut butter jar, by the goddamn bed." Oh shit! Are they going there? This show really has no bounds. OMG you got crazy in my peanut butter, you got peanut butter in my crazy! He continues "I thought we agreed this wasn't gonna happen...again" Doom somehow hasn't put two and two together yet. He doesn't get the fact that Mel lost her nipple because Rojo got a little overzealous with the Peanut Butter Areola Crunch. Really though, can you blame the dog? Forget the Samoas and the Thin Mints! I'ma order me some Peanut Butter Areola Crunch the next time a Girl Scout comes around peddling her cookies. *Pause* What the hell am I saying? Forget that ever happened.

Anyway, Mr G leaves Mel a present. Turns out he took care of business the way any man would with his wife's lover. He capped Rojo, cause that's how he rolls. Poor Rojo, he was just a squrrel tryin' to get a nut. Nothing good ever comes from messing with the crazy. Little House on the Prarie has now officially been ruined. FOREVER!

Sean likes to do things his way. The dumb way. He shows up at Monica's. He asks for a drink, but is greeted with magic brownies instead. She hits her stereo and "Obsession" by Animotion comes on. WTF? Is it 20 years ago all of a sudden? Monica then starts to do the most unattractive striptease-seduction dance in history. Them Akron hoochies is WHACK!!! She now officially has no redeeming qualities left. Anyway, we have a hash induced Devil Angel scene where Sean realizes that he loves Julia. Sean tells Monica it's over and goes home. And that's that for Monica. We will never see her again. EVER!

Doom corners Mrs. J.R. to spill the beans about the fake surgery. She confesses that she was a med student and sorta kinda an escort. James was her Madame who paid for her Med School and now she has Mrs. J.R. and by extension the practice by the sack. Doom, of course, uses this newfound information to successfully sleep with her...for he is Doom.

Julia and MNS have a heart to heart where Julia admits that she feels guilt for baby crustacean hands and that she wishes she had gone through with aborting it, but she is finally coming to grips with how she feels. Sean coms in and stares at the mural and describes it as, with the subtlety of Dog licking on a nipple "The perfect world before the fall" Even without the lobster hands Suri Cruise has a better chance of growing up normal. Wow lots of stuff to swallow here. Good episode!

Tags: Nip/Tuck, TV, NipTuck

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TV Roundup

Grey's Anatomy Season Premiere

Okay I'm still planning to do full recaps for this season, but the Season Premiere was bogged down by the same manner that last season ended. I have no interest in the main storyline which is Mer choosing between McDreamy and Robin the Vet Wonder. Seriously! The more time spent on this storyline the more I can't stand this show. We have Izzie coming undone due to the loss of her fiance and her career. We also have Yang having to learn to open up emotionally while her boyfriend, Dr. Burke who was just recently shot faces a career ending injury. Even George's struggle with being loved by Callie and The Chief's marraige falling apart are more compelling than Mer and her boy problems. Now there's apparently going to be a "competiton" between McDreamy and Finn to win Mer's bony dark and twisty hand. Seriously Grey's Anatomy CUT THIS OUT!!!

We have two people in Mer and McDreamy who have shown their asses for 22 consecutive episodes. Mer is self-absorbed, needy, and unable to make a decision that isn't inappropriate or self destructive. We are not the Mayor of your shit Mer!!! McDreamy has shown to be just an awful, projecting, judgemental prick. He also shits on people's houses. Why does anyone care if they are together or not. There are about eight other more compelling characters than these two. I watch and like the show because of them, not the continuing romance between two jerks.

The Amazing Race

I'm rooting for the coal miner and his wife for reasons I can't really discuss here. Let's just say, in all seriousness that they are the official T C and M reality show team!!! Too bad we don't have any input on who wins. Still, it's pretty dramatic stuff so far and I'm along for the ride as long as they stay in the competition.

Studio 60: Live from the Sunset Strip


I am really loving this show...if it weren't so verbose and lacking material to ridicule I would give it the full recap treatment. Still I see a potential problem here. It suffers from the only negative I had with Sportsnight. While I loved Sportsnight, I had to kind of turn a blind eye whenever the the show actually talked about sports. Alot of the show within a show material wasn't always believable as a strong sports news production. I see the same problems with Studio 60. They ended the second episode with a cold open that was supposed to rejuvenate the struggling sketch comedy show. The only probelem was that the musical number that was supposed to herald the return of comic geniuses and lead the Studio 60 back to it's former glory, wasn't really all that funny. Still I'm hooked on this show and I'll watch it as long as it's on the air, but still that's a weakness that might cost Studio 60 some viewership.

Tags: Studio 60, Amazing Race, Grey's Anatomy, TV

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Survivor: Dire Straits and Dead Weight

I'm starting to feel some love for "Survivor: Race War."

But I'm not sure this was the social experiment Burnett and company had in mind.

Poor Hiki is the tribe in dire straits. Because despite having a flint (which was a gimmie gift from Probst at Tribal) and having the opportunity to bring home fire from Tribal (How hard would it have been to carry a lit torch back?) it's Day Four, and they *still* haven't made a fire.

And they're thirsty. So they need a fire. But they suck at making one. At one point, they get a spark, and they're all like "So what do we do now?"

At that point, I expected the producers to chuck a Boy Scout into their camp. But Hiki soldiers on, figures out how to make a little spark into a little fire and miracles of miracles, they have fire.

The tribe does a little dance to welcome their disco inferno. Burn baby burn!

Aitu is tearing it up in the food department. They've got fish (I'm pleased to see someone who actually knows how to use a Hawaiian sling) they've got crabs (snark) and they even catch a chicken with a net.

But all is not well at Aitu. Billy isn't pulling his weight in the work department, and bossy Ozzy and his buddy J.P. don't like that. Billy defends his laziness with the old "conserving my energy" cliche and says he's having trouble relating to the other members of his tribe because is culture is "metal," not Latino. Yeah, whatever. Cristina tells the tribe she is a cop who was shot in the line of duty and then returned to work, and for some reason, Ozzy doesn't like that either.

I don't think Ozzy likes anyone who's not Ozzy. Ozzy is an asshat.

Ozzy and J.P. want to throw the next immunity challenge and vote out Billy, because if they don't, they might ... lose an immunity challenge and have to vote out Billy. Yeah, I never see the logic in moves like this. Cristina and Cecilia aren't going for it. The tribe agrees to wait and see what happens.

The producers insert footage of a rat. Ozzy equals rat. Funny.

Puka sees Aitu's chicken and raises them one more, as Yul catches two in a classic box trap. Yul and Becky are bonding based on their similar background (they're both Korean) and education. Becky says Yul is like an older brother to her.

But Puka wants Cao Boi to can the ethnic jokes. Cao Boi chills in the shelter and tells jokes. He says they've got to be able to laugh at themselves. The rest of the tribe says he's just perpetuating they stereotypes he's laughing at and to shut up! They're trying to sleep!

Jenny's annoyed at Cao Boi, but still goes to him and his magic fingers when she's got a headache. Puka will either keep Cao Boi around, or offer to strip for peanut butter and Tylenol.

Over at Raro, Jonathan comes home from Exile Island without the immunity idol, and everyone's happy to see him. Raro has not done a damn thing since he left -- no food gathering, no shelter building. Perhaps they think they can pay Aitu to do the work for them.

My Friend Flicka and Jonathan are annoyed -- they want some work done. Specifically, they want to build a bamboo floor for the shelter so they don't have to sleep on the wet ground with the bugs.

But there's only one tool that himbo Adam is thinking about -- or with. He doesn't want anything that will possibly interfere with his cuddle puddle, and that includes a floor in the shelter. Hate, hate, hate. It's far too early in the game to be such an ass. Candace and Pavarti lose points with me for being so reluctant to disagree with the Alpha Dick.

Candace pulls Adam aside and warns him not to be a tool. He says he's got it under control. I hope Flicka and Jonathan beat him with a piece of bamboo.

Tree mail! The challenge will be for reward and immunity again. Ozzy brings up throwing the challenge again. Cristina doesn't want to do it, but control freak Ozzy says if Billy was really part of Aitu, he'd be reading the mail with them.

There's a lot of reasons to boot someone off the island, but I don't think missing tree mail is one of them.

The challenge is another multi-parter -- listen to Probst tell a story, go through a rope maze, untie clues in another maze, cross a rope bridge and then answer questions based on the story. Winner gets two tarps.

Probst still has his kicky cowboy hat.

Billy sees the rope bridge and wants to sit this one out. Ozzy and J.P. steamroll him and J.P. sits instead. Looks like Aitu is taking a dive.

And dive they do. Ozzy stops to read a book, wanders through the maze like he's got all the time in the world and takes his sweet time untying clues. Probst is yelling at them to pick up the pace. Cristina and Cecilia can't do much -- they're all tied together, and if Ozzy ain't moving, they can't, either.

Raro and Puka race to the finish, and then scramble when Probst tells them to get on the mat. He can't figure out who won.

Ozzy bounces on the rope bridge until Billy falls in the water. Ozzy is an asshat.

Hiki struggles to third and celebrate their thirdness. Sad thing is that if Aitu hadn't thrown this challenge, they would have lost again. Both Puka and Raro get tarps.

Billy is a dead metalhead walking, and he knows it. He says as much to Raro, and Candace offers a fake-sympathy "Oh, but we love you."

Billy gets this thunderstruck look on his face, and says "I love you." Creepy.

Aitu decides to send Yul to Exile Island.

Aitu is catching more fish. Ozzy's pretty proud of how good he is at losing, because now they can get rid of Billy. Stoner Billy may be lazy, but he isn't stupid -- he knows they threw the challenge. He tells Cristina that if Ozzy offs him, she's next. Since she's still not down with the Dump Billy movement, she agrees to talk to Cecilia.

Yul's on Exile Island. He's got a clue, and a little digging later, he's got an immunity idol! The strongest member of the strongest tribe just got stronger! Just promise me you won't wait 37 days to use it, please.

The distance shot of Yul on the shipwreck may be the hottest thing ever shown on "Survivor."

Cristina and Cecilia talk in Spanish. It's kind of cool that I can pretty much follow their conversation without the subtitles. Cristina wants to know if Cecilia is in an alliance with Ozzy. She says she's not.

Ozzy says if Aitu votes him off, he knows they're gonna suffer.

Billy says he's got a weak hand going into Tribal, but that he's got one queen -- Cristina.

At Tribal, Aitu bickers about who works and who doesn't, and who's trustworthy and who isn't. Cristina says she doesn't like all the backstabbing. She's calling Ozzy by his full name, Oscar -- a sure sign she doesn't trust him. J.P. is in full snit fit -- it's kinda annoying. Billy accuses Ozzy and J.P. of throwing the challenge and they freely admit they did. Probst wonders if that was a good idea this early in the game.

Ozzy gets accused of having to be in charge of everything the tribe does. He says "I had to make sure things were done my way or they would have been done wrong." Asshat.

Billy says its OK if he gets voted off, because he has his prize. He might not get a million dollars, but he's found love, true love. With Candace.

OMGWTFBBQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Probst's eyes bug right out of his head. Aitu is cracking up. Poor deluded Billy goes on to explain how he and his one-and-only confessed their love at the challenge. Probst manages to choke out something about how this may be the most unusual thing he's ever heard at Tribal.

Candace, I have four words of advice: Get A Restraining Order.

If Cristina and Cecilia had any thoughts of saving Billy, I think his true love sealed his fate. He's sent to Loser Lodge to write hair ballads for Candace.

Billy remarks that it's funny that a metalhead got offed by a guy named Ozzy. He thinks he should have had a "metal tribe." Uh-huh. Go away, lover boy.

Next week: Pavarti shakes her moneymaker.

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Fergalicious and other tidbits

I heard Fergie's Fergalicious for the first time and I was just stunned!!! Not quite the video but still...


Sound familiar to you? Isn't this song a blatant rip-off of J.J. Fad's "Supersonic"? Listen and compare.


Fergie even rips off the rapid-fire flow kicked off by Baby D!!! I think I even heard a little intrumental lifting from "Push It". I definitely heard a little Afro-Rican there. What's next "The HUMPS that go BOOM?" Fuckie Fuck Y'all for a lack of originality!!!

The Office rocked so hard last night. I'm so glad they didn't overwhelm the episode with Jim-Pam moments. Looks promising they'll avoid the rut that happens with a will they or won't they storyline unlike...
Grey's Anatomy, seriously??? Seriously, there was a reason I didn't recap the season finale. It's hard to type when you're puking all over your keyboard. The season premier doesn't look like it's escaped "you shit on my house!" status for me. The "I'm still married to my wife, but you have to make a choice" speech did it for me. I don't want to be part of an audience that is supposed to buy that crap. I'll put more up in the recap tonight.

I'm really diggin' ethnic Surivior too. I won't spoil Fyre's fun but Billy at Tribal Council was just so funny I almost pee'd myself.

Tags: Fergie, Fergalicious, Supersonic

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Nip/Tuck Episode 4.03 Monica Wilder aka The One with A.C. Slater's Ass

On last weeks Nip/Tuck: He who propositions Dr. Doom for fellatio will feel his mighty bitchslap! (That's all I got, I was watching ECW)

Aight, my peeps I'm pinch hitting for The Rizzle on this week's recap of Nip/Tuck. Now, there is no way I can live up to the dignified and classy manner which ERizzle handles her bidness, but this is Nip/Tuck so there's no need to even front like that, yo! Okay, Sean? Dr. Doom? Y'all ready? Word!


Ah the spoils of selling your lucrative plastic surgery practice...We open up with Sean and Christian (Dr. Doom) driving their new toys into work. One of the doctors bought a Prius while the other doctor bought an orange Lamborghini that matches his shirt. The writers want to make it clear from the beginning that this is HOW THEY ROLL!!! Well, at least how they're supposed to.
After Sean and Dr. Doom finish admiring their new rides they enter into work with Liz and Alice(?) staring in into a laptop giggling like crazy. It turns out that Dr. Doom has been caught on tape playing "Doctor" and the video has gone viral on YouTube. I'm telling you, there's nothing like hearing Dr. Doom yell "touchdown" while he's banging away at some chick.

Naturally, Dr. Doom is horrified, not because of the egregious invasion of privacy, though. He's pissed that the camera angles make his stomach look flabby and that the video ends with a less than flattering zoom in on his hairy asscrack. Dr. Doom suddenly doesn't feel like he's representing his Doomness and begins the slow transformation into a freshman sorority girl.

As we fade from Doom's Ass, we zoom onto one ginormous titty. Hey, that's no titty! It's actually Julia's pregnant belly. For real though, it really does look like a booby, yo! This scene is an excuse to see more of Sean's "conflicted" face, which he seems to have whenever he's in the same room with Julia and/or whenever he thinks about his lobster claw baby. Anyway, Sean and Julia decide to start interviewing night nurses for the baby's imminent arrival.
Doom can't shake his self-image problem and consults Sean about liposuction, going as far as marking out his own trouble spots. Sean pretty much tells him to get his fat-ass to the gym and to stop being so superficial. Because in case you forgot, Sean's going to have a handicapped son and from now on it's All! About! SEAN!

Doom hits the gym and takes some shit from his personal trainer. While on the bar thing to the side, up strides none other than Mario Lopez, A.C. Slater of Saved By the Bell, wearing Bayside red and grey. A.C. does his dips and pull-ups and what not and gets some actor/model snark from Dr. Doom.
Doom's trainer, looking at Mario explains "Oh, he's not an actor" BWAH! Oh, it turns out Mario is playing the role of a rival plastic surgeon, not himself. Cut to...Oh Holy Mary! My eyes! My burning, burning, eyes A.C. Slater's ass is all over the screen! Make it stop! They should put a disclaimer or a warning beep or something! Body double or not, that is something I could have really gone without seeing. Blech!!! Thanks to the last five seconds of Nip/Tuck and the movie Showgirls, I now have a mental reference for Saved By the Bell: The PORNO Years!!! Now I have the Sean "I'm so conflicted face" going on. Back to the story, it turns out Dr. A.C. is a fan of Doom's, while Doom covets A.C.'s abs. After A.C. explains the work he puts in to stay captain of the Bayside wrestling team and stay one step ahead of Valley's top wrestler Needick, Doom decides he's prolly gonna go under the knife.

Oh his way out Doom, runs into Matt, who hasn't been returning his phone calls. Doomspawn calls Christian an SP, a Suppressive Personality, which pretty much means anyone who intereferes with his religious pursuits. Doom tries to warn his son of Kimber's ability to prey on the vulnerable. Matt retorts that Doom's all about women and abusing them and flashy cars. Then Matt hits Doom with the indefensible unilateral decision. Doom's out of Matt's life until Matt says so. On the bright side, at least Doom was spared the fake-breakup speech.

We cut to Sean and Julia and the first of the night nurse applicants, Monica Wilder. Monica's young, cute, and prefers the term "handicapable". Screw that! Let us focus on the young and cute part. Of course she's from the Midwest, Akron to be exact, and she's got the whole "Carol" on Growing Pains thing goin' on. She totally charms Sean and Julia with her breathy voice and apparent sensibility. When it's time for her to leave, it's raining and she doesn't have a car. Julia volunteers Sean drive Monica home. Waitaminit, don't 80% of Lifetime movies have this plot device? Aren't those movies all about a middle aged woman's struggle to put her life back to together after her husband is seduced by the young tramp when he DRIVES THE YOUNG TRAMP HOME!?! Jeez, Julia that is not how you roll!!!

We're in the Prius now, where Monica teaches us the three steps of seducing an older, married man.

1)You know what he's going through, unlike his wife. Immediately, Monica emotes that she understands what Sean must be going through and how he must feel like his needs aren't being met.

2)Now that you've formed quick bond emotionally, make him notice how hot and young you are. Monica then says how tough it is to get noticed among the Miami hotbodies and asks for Sean's opinion on her non-bumpy nose. She draws him into staring in her face for about three hours or so. It also helps that she unbuttoned her dress to flash some panty.
3)Remind him of what it's like to be young. Monica then turns on the radio and Oasis' Wonderwall is playing. It also happened to be her prom theme. Monica and Sean then reminisce of what it was like to live responsibility and baby free. Now, at this point I swear she was begiinning to touch herself off camera. Sean asks Monica what a Wonderwall is. Monica replies it's someone you can count on, someone who will always be there. Actually, Wonderwall was a George Harrison album that- SHUT UP Music geek PAJ! No one asked you!
Holy crap!!! They're DOING IT!!!! Sean's got her in the ground and pound and she's uh, very happy to be there. A friend of mine commented that Sean needed to take some lessons from Doom when it came to "lovemaking" techniques. I didn't respond really because 1)I'm a big fan of the ground and pound 2) he's doing a young tramp, it's all about gettin' his! I kept waiting for the transition back to the Prius and the "it was just a fantasy" moment, but to my surprise and delight, it doesn't happen!

We come back from commercial to the worst post-cheating "Here's why I'm late" phone call. Sean tells Julia that the new hybrid car RAN OUT OF GAS!!! Sean, Sean, Sean...dude! Anyway, she buys it and Sean lets her know that it's "not appropriate" to hire her. Out of all the lurid, sleazy acts that happen on this show, hiring the young tramp he just banged is "not appropriate." That pretty much flips the crazy switch for Monica Wilder. Like a drunk guy in Borders' magazine section, suddenly there are issues everywhere. She at least tips us off by speaking in the third person with a "Screw You Monica!". She compares Sean to the client in Akron, whom she also screwed, who used loving phrases like "You make love like an ugly girl" and "It's like putting lipstick on a pig." Oh SNAP, the young tramp Sean just screwed is CRAZY! RUN! (Hey I might pitch that title to Spike TV). Instead of running away and leaving her crazy ass in the rain, Sean offers her plastic surgery. Wow.

Sean brings her in to fix her deviated septum and he's trying to keep it on the down low. No luck Doom AND Linda come in and Linda is all like "hey is that Monica Wilder?" The logic of how Doom and Linda silently put 2 and 2 together is amazing. Hmm...night nurse applicant...freebie work on a deviated septum...HE MUST HAVE PORKED HER! Christian totally calls him out on his hypocrisy with a priceless "You deviated your dick into her!" Sean's left holding the scalpel of shame mumbling deviated septum...Akron...my wife has one giant titty...

We have a brief scene where Liz confides with Mrs. JR that she saw her little lesbian tryst last week. Mrs JR explains they were just friends in a "friends can booby touch in the dark" kinda way. snore!

It turns out that Monica has decided to move to back to Akron leaving Sean alone with Julia again. He starts spazzing out and Julia tries to calm him by offering sex. Sean turns her down, cause he's pretty much a prick now.

Doom and Liz are working on surgery and Liz is giving Doom more crap about his sex video. They have this awesome exchange:

Doom: I don't think it's appropriate to discuss your new jack off material over surgery
Liz: Oh I didn't masturbate to your sex tape Christian, I am not a CHUBBY CHASER
Doom: Can you even find your wheaty gooch under that massive gunt of yours?

Mrs. JR comes in a spoils the fun by firing Liz for sexual harassment, but that lasts for about a minute and she's only on probation. snore!

In the home stretch of the episode, Doom has Dr. A.C. work over his ass. Doom learns a little about being obsessed with health and fitness. Sorta kinda.

Sean and Julia interview a new night nurse.Um...let's call it a wash and say that the interview doesn't go well. The, uh, night nurse guy suggest that Julia chill a bit and get to know the baby before jumping into corrective surgery. After the nurse leaves Julia's water breaks.

We head to the delivery room, Doom is nowhere to be found. Julia has to have an emergency C-Section, so it'll be an express delivery. Sean is so preoccupied with the freak popping out of the massive titty that he totally abandons Julia, to the point that she has to grab his face for Sean to even look at her.

The baby is delivered without complications, aside from the lobster claw hands. Still, it freaks out the little sister even though she was just playing simulated lobster hands last week.

Christian shows up and promises a heartbroken Sean that he'll make up for not being there for the birth. Julia decides to hire the male night nurse. The odds of seeing Dwarven Sex for the first time on cable TV just went up exponentially. Yes, I did specify cable, so don't think you can bust me DrWan!

Okay I'm done, I need a shower now, SUCKAS!

Tags: Nip/Tuck, TV

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Monday's Season Premieres

I woke up this morning with what felt like a golf ball in my throat, so I took a sick day and tried to rest up. So that meant A LOT of TV in between naps on the couch. This week is a big premiere week and there was a show I've been looking forward to for awhile. Well, you know in between the regular Monday fare of football and Monday Night RAW.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

After growing up a sitcom junkie, this is the only sitcom left on TV that I can bear to watch. I think it has to do with the age of the characters and their rather spot on dialogue. Neil Patrick Harris continues the trend of awesomeness he started in "Undercover Brother" and "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" as Barney, the show's go to guy for humor. HIMYM doesn't lack for teh hotness either as Robin in smokin'.
The episodes are almost always well structured and are framed as future Ted telling his children the story of well...how he met their mother.

Last season ended with the main character and hopeless romantic Ted, hooking up with Robin, the woman he'd been chasing all season long Meanwhile supporting characters Marshall and Lilly, played by Buffy alum Alyson Hannigan, ended their nine year relationship. The season premiere immediately continues that storyline as we see speed through the first two months of Ted and Robin's coupling and Marshall's coping.

It will be interesting to see how the writers keep the interest up with the Ted-Robin relationship since it was revealed in last season's pilot that Robin is NOT Ted's wife and is simply referred to as "Aunt Robin". The romantic tension is switched to Marshall and Lilly's relationship and I'm not sure that's gonna cut it.

Still, the first episode was just as charming as the first season. The way Marshall reacted and was finally snapped out of his post-breakup funk was genuine, which for a sitcom is saying something. The episode also involved Marshall imagining a scene where Lilly and George Clinton of Parliament Funkadelic were having an affair which culminates when the Funk Legend buys her a ferret. Plus, the show ended with a curious cover of the Cure's "Boys Don't Cry" which was perfect use of the song. If anyone knows who did that cover give me a holla! Anyway, if you can stomach sitcoms, I recommend giving How I Met Your Mother a try.

Tags: TV, How I met Your Mother

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White and Nerdy!

I have a confession to make...I was a HAYOOGE Weird Al Fan in my younger days. I had every single album from the self titled debut to "Off the Deep End" with "Smells Like Nirvana". I've done air guitar to "One More Minute With You", I've seen UHF more than once (SUPPLIES!) and I even was a fan of his short lived children's show.

I hadn't followed him much in the last ten years or so, but I do have "All About the Pentiums" on my iPod and I never skip past it on shuffle. Anyway, I thought that's how his humour had worked best lately, mixing geek humour and hip hop. Anyway, I caught wind of his latest video. "White and Nerdy" which parodies Chamillionaire's Ridin' Dirty. You should check out the video here at Weird Al's Myspace page

Tags: Music, Weird Al

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