I Can Forgive Her, But I Don't Have To Because She Screwed With My Chickens

Seriously, could I make up an episode title like that?

Anyway, after a few days delay, I've watched the first episode of "Survivor: Cook Islands." And I'm not ready to kill Mark Burnett ... yet.

So we've got a shipwreck theme going on this year -- that's cool. I was a big fan of the pirate theme of "Pearl Islands," and "Exile Island" kind of overdosed on the skulls last year. But the shipwreck offers some nifty things to do with challenges and such.

The Survivors are on a nifty tall ship, and Probst tells them about their grand "social experiment." I swear if I hear that phrase one more time, I'm gonna hurl. The contestants look about as thrilled with this as I am. Seriously -- they signed up for a game show, not the civil rights movement.

One small victory -- the buffs are not yellow, brown, black and white. They've shown *some* restraint.

Probst says they've got to grab whatever they can salvage and get off his boat! Mad scramble ensues. At one point I thought I heard Probst actually say "If your asses aren't off this boat, I will start shooting!" Umm Jeff? I know you think you're cool and all, but you're not gonna pop a cap in someone's ass. So stop it.

Unless he would have pulled out a paintball gun or something, because that would have rocked!

The Survivors struggle ashore, and we get a series of interviews about what they think about the game so far. One girl (it's gonna take me a few episodes to learn names) wonders if this is "all kosher," which gets a giggle out of me. One of the Asians points out how silly it is to group people from different backgrounds together as generic "Asian," and I've got to agree with her. The African-American tribe is very concerned about "representing," and want people to know they can do more than run track. And Billy, on the Latino tribe, says they've got an advantage because they're used to tropical climates, or some such shit. Dude -- you're from New York. When's the last time you were in a tropical climate?

One girl says "social experiment." Excuse me for a second -- I gotta go brush my teeth and get a breath mint.

We get a pretty good introduction to each of the tribes, which I'm going to break down by tribe instead of scene by scene.

Hiki (African-American) -- Sekoe, the older jazz musician thinks he's the leader. Apparently being a leader means "being a bossy ass and taking a lot of breaks." Rebecca and Sundra have similar backgrounds and bond quickly, and the two guys bond, leaving Stephannie on the outs. They make a shelter that looks like a palm-covered cube with a lot of cracks about low-rent housing and "this is so ghetto" but they're hopeless at fire -- maybe because Sekoe boasts about how good he is at making one, rubs two sticks together twice, and then wanders off to take a nap on the beach.

Rebecca and Sundra get way too excited at finding water ... with a map. Hello? You're not Magellan here. You had a map. Get over yourselves.

Puka (Asian) -- Maybe it's just my fondness for anime, but there is some eye candy on this team! Yul is hot -- and he's got hair!

Cao Boi (sounds like "cowboy") obviously isn't taking this whole race war thing seriously -- he was cracking Asian jokes on the raft ride to the island. There's a rift developing between him and the rest of this team, which is pretty yuppie -- they don't like his wisecracks, and he says he is the only "real Asian" of the bunch. (He's a refugee from Vietnam.) But he shows some skills in foraging and Eastern medicine -- there's this whole bit where he pulls the "bad wind" out of Brad, curing his headache but leaving a big red dot on his forehead.

I think Puka would be making a mistake to get rid of Cao Boi too early -- boy's got skills. And he reminds me of Billy Bob Thornton. Keep him until the merge, kids.

Aitu (Latino) -- Ozzy shimmies up a palm tree like a hot little monkey and there's coconuts for everyone!! Billy tries to take over the building of the shelter and fails miserably. Ozzy slides into a leadership spot without being an ass about it. Ozzy either has a shot at being a power player or he's deader than disco.

This is the team I felt we know the least about -- hope they get some more play in later episodes.

Raro (Caucasians) -- Team Whitey (don't blame me, they said it) is a bunch of rotten chicken stealers! Jonathan apparently snagged Puka's chicken in the chaos at the beginning because "the chickens were free, so I took them."

They've got a *pile* of supplies -- two machetes, a lantern, two Hawaiian slings for fishing, a lobster trap, food -- bunch of stuff. The chickens are placed in an overturned box for safekeeping.

Two minutes later one of the girls wanders by and picks up the box. Damn, those chickens can run! Raro chases chickens. This is hysterical -- every show should have stupid people chasing chickens!

The chickens win! Yea for the chickens! They stay in the jungle and make mocking chicken noises at the stupid people.

Jonathan is pissed he lost his chance to choke a chicken.

These jokers don't even *try* to build a shelter. They just curl up on the beach and complain about being cold. Himbo Adam is thinking about hooking up with Candice. Yeah ... wait five days without showers, toothpaste or deodorant and see if you still think that's a good idea.

Challenge time! This one is for reward and immunity, and it's a tough one. The teams have to put together a puzzle boat, row out to a barrel, get fire, row back, run to a stand with four more puzzles, put them together, use parts of the puzzle boat to build a ladder, put the four puzzles in a large compass, climb to a platform and light their torch. First three teams to finish get firestarters.

Aitu is the first to get their boat together. Take that, stereotypes! They're rocking this challenge, but lose some time when Billy falls behind on the run to the second puzzle. Puka is solid, Raro's boat starts to fall apart in the water and they have some trouble paddling, and Hiki ...

Hiki has issues. They can't get their boat together, and when they finally do, they can't paddle for shit. Probst, who has a kickin' new cowboy hat, is shouting at them to move their butts.

Puka pulls ahead to win, and gets a firestarter and a kit of kindling and other goodies. Aitu slides into the No. 2 spot. Raro forgets to put the puzzle pieces into the compass, and Probst has to yell at them. They still beat Hiki.

Hiki, full of "beautiful people with beautiful souls," is headed for Tribal. But they get to send someone else to Exile Island. Nate and Sekoe pull away from the women and pick chicken-stealer Jonathan. The Hiki women aren't happy they were cut out of the decision.

Stephannie is the swing vote. Sekoe tries to get her on the guy's side, saying that Rebecca and Sundra are leaving her out. But those two are already talking to her about booting Sekoe.

Sekoe then starts talking about how if Hiki boots him, there won't be anyone to take care of things. No one else will be able to make a fire. Decent tack to take -- if Hiki had a fire!!!

Bye-bye, Sekoe! Nate makes an "I'm so screwed" face.

Next week: Aitu considers throwing a challenge to get rid of some dead weight.

Tags: Survivor, TV, Reality TV