Dear "Lost"

I used to love you, you sun-and-sand drenched paragon of incomprehensible mysteries.

The first season I was hooked -- I laughed when you laughed, cried when you cried, and said "Finally, you idiots do something!" when the Oceanic Air castaways left the beach and found fresh water and a new set in the caves.

And when Sawyer, Michael, Walt and Jin set off on the little raft that could, I wished them the best -- even as I knew it would all go wrong.

I just didn't know how wrong the second season would go.

But I'd like to see you get back on track, my friend. And since the second season seemed to be a version of "Gilligan's Island" meets "Saved by the Bell," in which seemingly intelligent people split themselves into high school cliques and bickered all damn year, and not a whole lot happened, I'm going to offer some suggestions on how you can keep me watching this year.


1. How about a coconut radio? (Just kidding, "Lost," really)

2. Sawyer is hot. Jin is hot. Sayid is hot. Getting to see any of them reasonably clean and shirtless is entertaining enough that I'll accept 10 minutes of pseudo-philosophical babble without complaint.

3. Do something already. Solve a mystery, damnit! After two seasons, we know hardly anything about Rousseau. And you're wasting Mira Firlan's talents (one of my faves from Babylon 5) having her play the wide-eyed crazy all the time. You're so fond of flashbacks -- lets see some of hers!

And while we're at it, why do the Others kidnap kids? Why did so many of the castaways have life collisions before the flight? What the heck can Walt do? Why do canned goods fall from the sky? How was Locke paralyzed? What in the name of pie is up with the polar bear, the mechanical sharks and the smoke monster??

4. OK, I understand Jack is supposed to be cool. But does he have to do *everything* better than *everyone* else? Frankly, I'm sick of Super Jack -- next thing you know, he'll be breastfeeding Claire's baby.

5. Some constistency would be nice. Locke was a man's man, the cool guy with skills. Now he's a sniveling wimp. Michael -- OK, I never liked Michael, but did he have to swing from struggling dad to cold-hearted killer? And just get Kate some drugs, because she can move from "independent tough girl" to "whiny, spineless and useless" in the space of a single episode.

6. There are a lot of good characters on the Island. Not every episode should be the "Kate and Jack Show." It would be nice to see someone else for a change.

7. Be careful introducing new characters. Henry Gale is the shizzy. Ana-Lucia and the Tailies? Not so much. You won back a piece of my heart when Ana-Lunatic took a bullet in the gut, but I'm not yours again yet.

8. What's up with the horror movie rules? If every woman (Shannon, Ana-Lucia) who does the nasty dies horribly the next day, this Island is going to be a sausage-fest by sweeps. Don't be scared of a little s-e-x. Because lets face it. You're trapped on a deserted island -- what else is there to do? It's not like the Hatch gets HBO.

9. Put a main character in real danger. We pretty much know nothing's going to happen to Jack or Kate. If anyone dies, it's always a secondary character. It would be better if there was some actual suspense. Actually, you could kill one or both of them off, and I'd probably drop my knitting and do a little dance in my living room.

But if you are going to off someone, DON'T USE A GUN! There were more shootings on that Island than in Baltimore last season. Lay off the gunfights -- aren't they out of bullets yet?

10. Your plot twists should actually twist. Nothing happened last season that I didn't see coming -- except for poor Libby. She *thought* about sex and got shot. That's cold.

I'm giving you three episodes, "Lost." Get it together, or I'm tuning out.