Dancing with the Stars and Klosterman

In the last few days I've been churning through the latest book by one of my favorite writers, Chuck Klosterman IV:A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas. I'm through the midway point of this collection of celebrity intervews and pop culture essays and I'm really enjoying it, still, I've been shirking my reality-TV watching duties. So what the hell, I'm gonna watch the premiere of Dancing with the Stars while I enjoy my book. 'Cause that's how my leisure time rolls.


Aight, I missed the first two dancers and catch DWTS in the middle of Tucker Carlson's routine. Now, I haven't paid attention to him since the eve of Jesse the Body's Gubernatorial victory in Minnesota. Carlson was just starting out as an analyst on CNN and totally dismissed the win as a "Beer Vote" victory. I would have loved to have heard just ONE talking head admit that someone whose livihood depended on evoking emotions of the general public to the point they would pay money to see his ass get kicked in a pro wrestling ring, actually has better chance of relating to said public than your average politician. Anyway, I zoned out so much I totally missed the dancing part. Just picture your favorite political analyst doing ballroom dancing and there ya go.

In the book I'm going over Klosterman's essay on how everyone should have a nemesis and an arch-enemy in their lives and how to differentiate between the two. He explains this dichotomy by saying that a nemisis is someone close to you, even a friend, that you despise and internally measure yourself against, while an archenemy is someone you hate and seek to destroy. Now I'm pretty sure who my nemesises have been in life, but I don't think I have an arch-enemy. Still, I do remember a time that I HAD to be someone's arch-enemy. It was my senior year in college and I had swiped two women under this one guys nose several months apart. The first one, on a Saturday morning me and this guy were the only spectators of a womens college tennis match...I mean seriously who goes to those unless there's more than tennis and school pride at stake. Anyway, he got the "hey" while I got the dinner date...joke was on me though, since I was just in her attention-giver spot, still a win is a win, yo. The second girl turned out to be a longtime crush of his and I ended up dating her for a good while. Of course that just began a decade long on again off again tumultuous relationship, so I guess the joke was on me again...if that guy only had better game...now that I think about it, maybe I do have an arch-enemy.


The book is kicking Dancing with the Star's ass right now. I missed the girl from High School Musical, but really, she's from High School Musical, she's gonna be okay in the voting...you know who else was in High School Musical? Allison.


After the popularity of Jerry Rice last season, they bring back another Hall-of-Fame caliber football player to ballroom dance. This time it's former Dallas Cowboy and the NFL's all-time rushing leader Emmit Smith. I actually put the book down to watch this sequence and he's actually pretty good. Naturally, he would have good footwork, unfortunately he looks like a behemoth compared to his slender partner. His routine was really entertaining and he came off as really likeable. Now I don't if the producers realize this, but Emmit Smith is ten times more popular than Jerry Rice ever was and Rice rode his football fame all the way to the finals...I can't see Emmit not going as far in this competition.

A commercial for Talbott's comes on...I want to punch myself in the face for watching a show that matches a conservative women's clothing store's target demo.


Klosterman's essay discussing how there shouldn't be any "guilty pleasures" when it comes to pop cutlture is probably the most positive piece I've read where Road House is discussed extensively. I totally agree with Klosterman here. Tortilla Chips and Milk is filled with what most people would label "guilty pleasures". It's entertainment to me and what I seek out for my entertainment changes from piece to piece and it's not always quality or consistent, but it's my own. I make no apologies for it, therefore I feel no guilt...SUCKAS!

Willa Ford sang something once, but was more well known for stealing a famous boyfriend or something right? Why do I even sorta know this stuff?

Holy Crap!!! It's Mario Lopez, no, it's A.C. Slater!!! Now he may just be Saved by the Bell Guy to you, but to me he's also the drummer from the early days of Kids. Incorporated, yo! He used to kick it with Fergie Ferg back in the day. Shoot, I've seen this entire guys childhood years on TV. I say a small prayer to the TV gods. Damn, A.C. is all over the place in rehearsals. I didn't realize Albert Clifford was such a spaz. He does his dance routine. I was hoping he was gonna grow his Hispafro perm back for the show. He does a lot of hip shaking which elicits a bunch of screams. I'm kinda disappointed that he didn't rip off his suit to reveal a black leotard and do ballet moves in the middle of his routine. Waitaminit...that might have been the most unfortunate sentence ever typed on this blog. Really, yo, remember the episode where he describes his dream date with Jessie...nevermind. After the routine, they ask him if he's ever had any dance training and he said no. Um, excuse me? I can't prove for a fact he had any training but he was credited as a dancer on Kids Inc. so that must mean he'd have to have some training to get the job, right? Anyway, the segment ends without him saying the words "Preppie" or "Mamma". Why are the TV Gods such haters?

Back to the Klosterman book. His strength really is when he writes about music. His piece on the top ten most adequately "rated" musical acts of all time made total sense and I can say that i've never spent anytime thinking about bands with that criteria in mind. It was good to see Tone Loc on a list, other than Rappers who have name checked "Alex from Stroh's"and appeared in "The Adventures of Ford Fairlaine".

He also brings up the pirate phenomenon and how it mirrors the ninja phenomenon in the 80's. I've been trying to predict the next rouge culture to follow suit. I'm rooting for Huns.

I start singing along to a commercial. I'm singing the lyrics before I even realize it's "Big Country" by Big Country, only in its smoothed out made for a commercial form. Add Koehl's to the list of places I'll never shop because of their commercials.

A former Miss USA is going through a divorce and that's being discussed in the course of the critique of her dance performance. Seriously?

I don't care about L.A. Law, Harry Hamlin will always be Perseus, from Clash of the Titans to me. The hyperactive asshole judge makes my day to making a "you killed the kraken" comment. WORD 'em UP!!! Maybe this show isn't so bad.

Vivica A. Fox dances, but in my head she fighting Uma Thurman...in Jell-o.

Did I just hear a rapping penguin quote Grandmaster Flash's "The Message"? sigh. HATE!

9:47 P.M. My favorite article in the book is a running diary of 24 consecutive hours watching VH-1 Classic. His 2:29 P.M. entry about the Van Halen "Pretty Woman" video killed me. I love this article so much I wish I had kept time stamps all night so I could have properly ripped it off.

Jerry Springer dances to chants of "Jerry". I thought he was alot of fun. He'll probably stick around a few weeks. This night has been bizarre, but Dancing with the Stars might keep me interested. I didn't even get to make a Joey Lawrence "Whoa!" joke. I'll need at least one more night to finish the book too, dammit.

Tags: Dancing with the Stars, Chuck Klosterman