Survivor: Dire Straits and Dead Weight

I'm starting to feel some love for "Survivor: Race War."

But I'm not sure this was the social experiment Burnett and company had in mind.

Poor Hiki is the tribe in dire straits. Because despite having a flint (which was a gimmie gift from Probst at Tribal) and having the opportunity to bring home fire from Tribal (How hard would it have been to carry a lit torch back?) it's Day Four, and they *still* haven't made a fire.

And they're thirsty. So they need a fire. But they suck at making one. At one point, they get a spark, and they're all like "So what do we do now?"

At that point, I expected the producers to chuck a Boy Scout into their camp. But Hiki soldiers on, figures out how to make a little spark into a little fire and miracles of miracles, they have fire.

The tribe does a little dance to welcome their disco inferno. Burn baby burn!

Aitu is tearing it up in the food department. They've got fish (I'm pleased to see someone who actually knows how to use a Hawaiian sling) they've got crabs (snark) and they even catch a chicken with a net.

But all is not well at Aitu. Billy isn't pulling his weight in the work department, and bossy Ozzy and his buddy J.P. don't like that. Billy defends his laziness with the old "conserving my energy" cliche and says he's having trouble relating to the other members of his tribe because is culture is "metal," not Latino. Yeah, whatever. Cristina tells the tribe she is a cop who was shot in the line of duty and then returned to work, and for some reason, Ozzy doesn't like that either.

I don't think Ozzy likes anyone who's not Ozzy. Ozzy is an asshat.

Ozzy and J.P. want to throw the next immunity challenge and vote out Billy, because if they don't, they might ... lose an immunity challenge and have to vote out Billy. Yeah, I never see the logic in moves like this. Cristina and Cecilia aren't going for it. The tribe agrees to wait and see what happens.

The producers insert footage of a rat. Ozzy equals rat. Funny.

Puka sees Aitu's chicken and raises them one more, as Yul catches two in a classic box trap. Yul and Becky are bonding based on their similar background (they're both Korean) and education. Becky says Yul is like an older brother to her.

But Puka wants Cao Boi to can the ethnic jokes. Cao Boi chills in the shelter and tells jokes. He says they've got to be able to laugh at themselves. The rest of the tribe says he's just perpetuating they stereotypes he's laughing at and to shut up! They're trying to sleep!

Jenny's annoyed at Cao Boi, but still goes to him and his magic fingers when she's got a headache. Puka will either keep Cao Boi around, or offer to strip for peanut butter and Tylenol.

Over at Raro, Jonathan comes home from Exile Island without the immunity idol, and everyone's happy to see him. Raro has not done a damn thing since he left -- no food gathering, no shelter building. Perhaps they think they can pay Aitu to do the work for them.

My Friend Flicka and Jonathan are annoyed -- they want some work done. Specifically, they want to build a bamboo floor for the shelter so they don't have to sleep on the wet ground with the bugs.

But there's only one tool that himbo Adam is thinking about -- or with. He doesn't want anything that will possibly interfere with his cuddle puddle, and that includes a floor in the shelter. Hate, hate, hate. It's far too early in the game to be such an ass. Candace and Pavarti lose points with me for being so reluctant to disagree with the Alpha Dick.

Candace pulls Adam aside and warns him not to be a tool. He says he's got it under control. I hope Flicka and Jonathan beat him with a piece of bamboo.

Tree mail! The challenge will be for reward and immunity again. Ozzy brings up throwing the challenge again. Cristina doesn't want to do it, but control freak Ozzy says if Billy was really part of Aitu, he'd be reading the mail with them.

There's a lot of reasons to boot someone off the island, but I don't think missing tree mail is one of them.

The challenge is another multi-parter -- listen to Probst tell a story, go through a rope maze, untie clues in another maze, cross a rope bridge and then answer questions based on the story. Winner gets two tarps.

Probst still has his kicky cowboy hat.

Billy sees the rope bridge and wants to sit this one out. Ozzy and J.P. steamroll him and J.P. sits instead. Looks like Aitu is taking a dive.

And dive they do. Ozzy stops to read a book, wanders through the maze like he's got all the time in the world and takes his sweet time untying clues. Probst is yelling at them to pick up the pace. Cristina and Cecilia can't do much -- they're all tied together, and if Ozzy ain't moving, they can't, either.

Raro and Puka race to the finish, and then scramble when Probst tells them to get on the mat. He can't figure out who won.

Ozzy bounces on the rope bridge until Billy falls in the water. Ozzy is an asshat.

Hiki struggles to third and celebrate their thirdness. Sad thing is that if Aitu hadn't thrown this challenge, they would have lost again. Both Puka and Raro get tarps.

Billy is a dead metalhead walking, and he knows it. He says as much to Raro, and Candace offers a fake-sympathy "Oh, but we love you."

Billy gets this thunderstruck look on his face, and says "I love you." Creepy.

Aitu decides to send Yul to Exile Island.

Aitu is catching more fish. Ozzy's pretty proud of how good he is at losing, because now they can get rid of Billy. Stoner Billy may be lazy, but he isn't stupid -- he knows they threw the challenge. He tells Cristina that if Ozzy offs him, she's next. Since she's still not down with the Dump Billy movement, she agrees to talk to Cecilia.

Yul's on Exile Island. He's got a clue, and a little digging later, he's got an immunity idol! The strongest member of the strongest tribe just got stronger! Just promise me you won't wait 37 days to use it, please.

The distance shot of Yul on the shipwreck may be the hottest thing ever shown on "Survivor."

Cristina and Cecilia talk in Spanish. It's kind of cool that I can pretty much follow their conversation without the subtitles. Cristina wants to know if Cecilia is in an alliance with Ozzy. She says she's not.

Ozzy says if Aitu votes him off, he knows they're gonna suffer.

Billy says he's got a weak hand going into Tribal, but that he's got one queen -- Cristina.

At Tribal, Aitu bickers about who works and who doesn't, and who's trustworthy and who isn't. Cristina says she doesn't like all the backstabbing. She's calling Ozzy by his full name, Oscar -- a sure sign she doesn't trust him. J.P. is in full snit fit -- it's kinda annoying. Billy accuses Ozzy and J.P. of throwing the challenge and they freely admit they did. Probst wonders if that was a good idea this early in the game.

Ozzy gets accused of having to be in charge of everything the tribe does. He says "I had to make sure things were done my way or they would have been done wrong." Asshat.

Billy says its OK if he gets voted off, because he has his prize. He might not get a million dollars, but he's found love, true love. With Candace.

OMGWTFBBQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Probst's eyes bug right out of his head. Aitu is cracking up. Poor deluded Billy goes on to explain how he and his one-and-only confessed their love at the challenge. Probst manages to choke out something about how this may be the most unusual thing he's ever heard at Tribal.

Candace, I have four words of advice: Get A Restraining Order.

If Cristina and Cecilia had any thoughts of saving Billy, I think his true love sealed his fate. He's sent to Loser Lodge to write hair ballads for Candace.

Billy remarks that it's funny that a metalhead got offed by a guy named Ozzy. He thinks he should have had a "metal tribe." Uh-huh. Go away, lover boy.

Next week: Pavarti shakes her moneymaker.