Survivor: Flirtation and Frustration

I so called it -- before the season even started, I knew this was how it was gonna go down.

The grand social experiment? It's done. Finito. History.

In the immortal words of someone on the message boards at Television Without Pity, "Eat a dick, CBS."

We start our show with Aitu returning from Tribal, and a lot of "WTF was up with Billy? Is Candice really into him?" Yeah, I know -- it's kind of hard to accept, but true love knows no tribal boundaries.

Brad is fed up with Cao Boi's constant talking, and for some reason compares him to Jesus. He says Cao Boi is "not all there."

Yeah, but you're the one who just compared him to JESUS, so who's the crazy here?

The next morning, the tribes gather for what they think is a reward challenge, only to be told ...

"Drop your buffs."

And just like that, the race war is over. Sigh. A pathetic grab for ratings, and it didn't even last three episodes. And three weeks without a solo reward challenge -- that's just odd.

There's some fan service for the guys, as the camera lingers on Cecilia wriggling out of her buff and sliding it down her hips. CBS loves you, guys. Then Cecilia and Pavarti have to pick as racially mixed of a group as possible -- one of each ethnicity, and then the fifth is a freebie.

Cecilia's team ends up with her, Flicka, Sundra, Becky and Candice. Pavarti gets herself, Jenny, Cristina, Rebecca, and Stephannie.

It's a little harder for the guys to mix it up -- there's only one African-American male. Brad's team has him, J.P., Nate and Adam; Jonathan gets himself, Yul, Ozzy and Cao Boi. There could be an alpha male clash brewing.

The four "captains" smash paint filled eggs to form their new tribes: Cecilia and Jonathan's groups become the new Aitu and Brad and Pavarti's teams are the new Raro. The belongings of all four tribes will be pooled and divided equally.

There is much rejoicing. Nate says it's like he's been lifted out of the ghetto and sent to Bel-Air. OK, Nate, for the rest of the episode, you are the Fresh Prince. Pavarti says she's happy "We're back to America -- it's a melting pot." She's trying a little too hard to be cute.

Cecilia and Ozzy give their new tribemates a tour of Camp Aitu. "I'm definitely so happy about the transition in this game, I definitely feel a change of energy here," Flicka says.

If she pulls out a crystal or starts fire dancing, I'm gonna reach through the TV and slap her.

Cecilia and Ozzy also waste no time asking Candice about her love life. And she's all "yeah, it's cool -- I'm going to have Billy's skull babies."

OK -- she didn't say that, but wouldn't it have been cool if she did?

Candice is as clueless as the rest of us about why Billy luvs her. She's pretty embarrassed about the whole thing, and it would have to be hard -- first day in a new tribe, and everyone's like "Hey, are you hooking up with the freak in Loser Lodge?"

Yul, Becky, Jonathan and Candice are already talking alliance, but they want a fifth member. Jonathan says he can get Flicka to do whatever he wants.

Hey Jonathan -- can you get her to wash her funky hair?

But Flicka's already bonding with Cao Boi in a little outsider clique, and she says she gets better "vibrations" from Cecilia, Ozzy and Sundra than from Jonathan and his crew.

Flicka says that she's not sure she wants to stick to the original Raro alliance because she never fit in with them anyway. And besides -- she's just here to wear tall socks and make friends, not think about alliances and play games.

I hate this -- you want an experience, join Outward Bound. You want to play a game show for a million bucks, go on "Survivor." If you're there, you should be playing the game.

Yul tells Becky he's got the immunity idol, and says he'll give it to her if she needs it.

Over at Raro, Pavarti says she's going to flirt to get ahead, cause that's what she does best. She picks the Fresh Prince as her first new target (she's already been going after Adam), and proceeds to shake her not terribly impressive rack and flirt with all the subtlety of a drunken cheerleader.

The Fresh Prince goes spear fishing. (Yeah, give the black guy the spear -- guess the stereotyping isn't over yet.) He catches a big-ass octopus, and it's pulling on the spear and he's got to try to reel it in or lose the spear. He shouts for help, and gets a hand from Brad and J.P., who were chilling on the beach.

The octopus gets very friendly with Brad.

"Oooh, you've got so much meat," Pavarti coos to the Fresh Prince.

Why doesn't she just lie on her back and say "Hey Nate -- you want to do me and stuff?"

Immunity challenge time -- and it's a replay of the "Hot Pursuit" from Palau. The teams are clipped together and everyone is carrying 15 pounds of sand. They line up on opposite sides of an oval course in knee-deep water. The idea is to race around the course until you catch the other team and tackle someone. Anyone can quit the challenge at any time as long as another tribe member takes on the added weight of their sandbag.

Aitu's women drop like flies -- all of them leave at once except Flicka. The guys shoulder their sandbags. Flicka drops out. The Raro women start to drop out. Rebecca is the last woman to go.

This is pretty much a foregone conclusion -- Raro's got four buff young guys, Aitu has Cao Boi and Jonathan. Yul says to turn around and rumble 'em, but Raro just goes around him and tackles Cao Boi.

But both teams were pretty wussy. Bobby Jon and Tom rocked this challenge in Palau -- they were at it for hours.

Raro gets to pick a member of Aitu to send to Exile Island -- which protects that person from Tribal. They pick Candice.

Jonathan's five person alliance is down to three -- Candice is on Exile Island, and Flicka is a flake. Jonathan and Yul start working to win Flicka and Cao Boi over to their side.

They aren't buying it -- Cao Boi says Becky should go, because she's the weak link and a princess. Flicka tells Jonathan she's not thinking about how to get ahead in the game -- she just wants to "have a connection" with people.

Ozzy tells Cao Boi he "won't write his name down." Wow -- that line has never been used before! He agrees to talk to Sundra and Cecilia about voting out Becky.

Flicka tells Jonathan that Becky's on the way out. He grouses in confessional that Flicka's not doing what he tells her to. Damn independent thinkers!

Flicka and Cao Boi decide that neither of them trusts Jonathan, but his argument that it's a numbers game has merit.

Becky has her buff tied tight around her neck at Tribal -- I'd bet five bucks she has Yul's immunity idol hidden under it.

Probst is asking about the racial thing again. You know what Jeff? Nobody cares.

Yul very diplomatically says that people are on the island for different reasons -- some to play the game, and some to have a personally fufilling experience.

Is the fact that Flicka's hair makes her look like a tiki idol tonight part of her personally fufilling experience?

Jonathan points out that even if people aren't there to play the game, they're still playing the game. So suck it up.

Flicka says everything is confusing her. I think on-off switches could confuse Flicka.

Probst asks Ozzy what the vote will do to Aitu. He says the tribe will have one less person. Duh! Tell us some more, Brainiac!

Aitu votes, and at least three people use the "It's not personal" line. Did they plan this or something?

Cecilia gets her torch snuffed. Ozzy makes the "WTF?" face. Cecilia walks away hugging herself -- it's kind of sad.

Next week -- Cao Boi goes medieval on a baby birdie.

Tags: Survivor, Reality TV, TV